SMBC in early 40s?

[Anonymous]

Just need a gut check to see if I am crazy.

I am a divorced mom of an early elementary school aged kid. Never had a second kid due to ex's reluctance when our child was young. Ex cheated and I got out of the marriage.

Now I am 41 and considering if I have still have a window for a 2nd kid. I have a great income and local supportive family. I had an easy first pregnancy and got pregnant easily, however, that was almost a decade ago.

Am I crazy to consider having a 2nd baby on my own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just need a gut check to see if I am crazy.

I am a divorced mom of an early elementary school aged kid. Never had a second kid due to ex's reluctance when our child was young. Ex cheated and I got out of the marriage.

Now I am 41 and considering if I have still have a window for a 2nd kid. I have a great income and local supportive family. I had an easy first pregnancy and got pregnant easily, however, that was almost a decade ago.

Am I crazy to consider having a 2nd baby on my own?

Having another child might seem appealing, but it’s important to face reality. You haven’t mentioned having a stable environment for your first child, let alone a partner or relationship, which is essential for building a family. Being a single parent is already challenging enough, and thinking about adding another child at this point—especially after 35, when the window for safely having a second child has closed—is not only unrealistic but selfish.

Your focus should be on giving your first child the love, stability, and attention they deserve, not on chasing an ideal of “two kids.” Children aren’t trophies or achievements; they’re human beings who depend on you. Instead of dreaming of a second child, prioritize your first. Create a stable home, and only consider dating or other life changes when you’ve fully secured your current situation.

[Anonymous]

If your only is on board, why the h3ll not?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the responses, and am trying to be realistic.

I have a stable home, if you consider a single adult with zero debt and plenty of assets and a strong income to be stable.

I have no partner (or desire for one) but at 41, I definitely don't have fertility time to find a partner. I'd conceive with donor sperm. I'm starting to listen to the stories of donor-conceived people to educate myself. I recognize single parenting by choice is challenging in ways that are different than co-parenting an older kid with my ex.

Curious if the SMBC on here had prior or subsequent children with partners and what the dynamics of that looked like.

[Anonymous]

My motto has always been don't let anyone talk you into a child OR out of one. You know what you want.

I became a single mom by chice (via adoption) at 42 and I had a lot less money than you. My son is now in his first year of college. I cannot imagine my life without him nor could I ever love anyone this deeply.

Join your local SMC group -- start with Facebook -- and you will be with like-minded women.

[Anonymous]

You should schedule an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist to check your ovarian reserve. They might want you to do a physical w/ mammogram etc before conception, may as well get that ball rolling.

[Anonymous]

Go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My motto has always been don't let anyone talk you into a child OR out of one. You know what you want.

I became a single mom by chice (via adoption) at 42 and I had a lot less money than you. My son is now in his first year of college. I cannot imagine my life without him nor could I ever love anyone this deeply.

Join your local SMC group -- start with Facebook -- and you will be with like-minded women.

We adopted too. 2nd this. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My motto has always been don't let anyone talk you into a child OR out of one. You know what you want.

I became a single mom by chice (via adoption) at 42 and I had a lot less money than you. My son is now in his first year of college. I cannot imagine my life without him nor could I ever love anyone this deeply.

Join your local SMC group -- start with Facebook -- and you will be with like-minded women.

I have almost this exact scenario in terms of ages. I can’t imagine life without my child. I do often wish they had a sibling, but I just couldn’t manage adopting another kid on my own at that time.

How long have you been a single mom, OP? And how active is your ex in parenting your existing child? Answers to these questions would seem to factor into the equation.

[Anonymous]

Seems like the sense of "fairness" by each respective child is going to be off. If your ex is an ok or good dad the second child is going to feel cheated by not having an involved father. If your ex is a sh*tty father your first child is going to be bitter they have to go to ex's house. Option 3 is they both feel it is unfair for the reasons noted above.

Also kind of morbid but if you die the kids will likely be split up with #1 going to the father and #2 going to one of your relatives.

[Anonymous]

Single mom by choice. First and only child at 41.

If it was your first child, I’d say go for it. But you need to think about the fact that one of your children will have a father and the other won’t. That’s actually a pretty big deal. One child goes to the their dad’s house, the other doesn’t have a dad - but gets mom all the time. One gets Christmas presents from their dad, the other doesn’t. One has a second set of grandparents, the other doesn’t. And on and on.

My only is very well-adjusted to the no dad thing now because that just is the nature of our family versus other families. We are a “mom and kid” family. But navigating that difference within your family between two siblings is no small thing.

I’d discuss with a child or family therapist with experience with non-traditional families before proceeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single mom by choice. First and only child at 41.

If it was your first child, I’d say go for it. But you need to think about the fact that one of your children will have a father and the other won’t. That’s actually a pretty big deal. One child goes to the their dad’s house, the other doesn’t have a dad - but gets mom all the time. One gets Christmas presents from their dad, the other doesn’t. One has a second set of grandparents, the other doesn’t. And on and on.

My only is very well-adjusted to the no dad thing now because that just is the nature of our family versus other families. We are a “mom and kid” family. But navigating that difference within your family between two siblings is no small thing.

I’d discuss with a child or family therapist with experience with non-traditional families before proceeding.

Above is wise advice. Does your kid want a sibling?

[Anonymous]

You already have a child. You are at high risk of SN child, would you feel like you deprived your current child of your resources (time, attention, money) if you have an extremely high needs child? Or multiples?

I have 0 issue with smbc, and in fact think it's a great option for women. But you are already a mom! And the risks are high.

The issues pps brought up with one child having a father and one not are extremely valid too. How do you think this new child will feel about this? Will they feel cheated if their (half) sibling has a father/grandparents and they don't?

Bringing a child into the world is serious. Not because you want a new shiny play thing.

[Anonymous]

Smbc facebook group is your best first step!

[Anonymous]

In the professional world nearly every woman i know has had a Child in her 40s. None have special needs.