What now? Public or small private after being kicked out

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be the voice that disagrees. I would definitely send him to the small private where the teachers will have eyes on him. From what we've been told from other parents kids at small privates like that become really close and tolerate each other's quirks. They become like siblings in a sense.

It's medium sized privates where the social dynamics can be rougher but the really tiny ones with 10 to a class are nicer because people invite everyone to parties so no one is left out and they all go on field trips together and sit together.

I would not trust public to prepare him for high school. I would do private and supplement with tutors for the academics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice that disagrees. I would definitely send him to the small private where the teachers will have eyes on him. From what we've been told from other parents kids at small privates like that become really close and tolerate each other's quirks. They become like siblings in a sense.

It's medium sized privates where the social dynamics can be rougher but the really tiny ones with 10 to a class are nicer because people invite everyone to parties so no one is left out and they all go on field trips together and sit together.

I would not trust public to prepare him for high school. I would do private and supplement with tutors for the academics.

So PP, you have experience with small privates or not? My kid moved from public to a smallish private and did not fit in. Kids accept each other at small privates if they have been together since K. They are not going to welcome someone who has social difficulties who comes in mid year with behavioral problems. Plus, the most important thing for kids with autism is to find kids that have similar interests or are also neurodivergent. You are not going to find a lot of options at a small school. Not to mention that there will probably be the same behavioral issues there as the current school. This is literally a no brainer for me. Send the kid to public. Parent of AuADHD teen who has been at public and privates (including kid who joined a K-8 starting in MS)

[Anonymous]

You should find out all you can about the supports available at your public school. Study the special ed page for both the school and the district and dig for info on any programs or supports that might be available. I found that archived school board presentations had a lot of information.

Talk to the district special ed staff. If they have an autism specialist at the district level, try to talk to them. They won’t say anything that might possibly commit the district to doing anything (nor should they outside an IEP meeting) so emphasize you are just gathering information.

There might be more support than you think for social skills. My middle schooler had a social skills focused homeroom and later a social skills class. We tried counseling at school but he didn’t want to participate, so we dropped it. But he did visit the counseling suite when he needed a quiet place.

[Anonymous]

The poster above nailed it. I also have firsthand small private school experience and it was rough—and my child did not have behavior issues AND had been at the school since he was small. The social dynamics of a small class are difficult. Plus the school will not have the staffing or resources to support him, beyond being small, which will not be enough.

Op, I know it’s hard but hire an advocate and try to get a strong IEP and do public. There are tons of social and behavioral interventions that can be included in an IEP. My son’s IEP had no academic goals (he didn’t need them), only social-emotional ones. I want to be supportive of you as I know it is hard but it d sounds like you don’t have a good sense of what supports he needs and are entertaining this wishful idea he is going to pull it together on his own. The challenges are going to keep increasing over the next few years. Kids get more socially sophisticated and academic and behavioral expectations increase.

[Anonymous]

Op, what are you doing to address these concerns. A small private cannot handle him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to examine several of your ideas here.

1) What makes you think there won't be kids with behavioral needs at the small private schools? If they're accepting your kid, that means they're in general accepting kids with behavioral needs. It's not like your kid is going to be the only one with behaviors and the other 9 kids are going to be typically behaved. That's not a thing.

2) He's not going to wake up. He's not able to control his behavior. I'm not expecting you to say any specifics, but it sounds like he's really impulsive, he doesn't perceive social cues, he's desperate for friends or at least attention, or it's something to do with anxiety or emotional reactiveness. I'm not sure. But getting kicked out of school isn't going to cure him of any of those things. He needs time to mature. He's probably less mature than his age-peers (common for ADHD) and waking up to how his actions affect his long-term plan requires maturity.

3) People are right to caution you about small privates. No, the other kids are not guaranteed to be understanding and close, especially of a new kid who behaves disruptively. 10 kids in the class, probably at least 3-4 are girls and girls that age are increasingly impatient with the lower maturity level and typical behavior of boys in general. So he's got like 5 potential friends, and they're already friends with each other-- this seems like a really low chance of success.

4) The other thing about small mainstream privates, the kind you're describing, is that they're really small schools and tend to run on a low budget. They might not have the staff or the training to meet his needs, even if they say they do. Also, why do these schools tend to be bigger for elementary than middle. Red flag-- it's because people are leaving! The people who stay tend to be those who feel their kid can't handle a larger setting. So you're going to be around other kids with this kind of needs.

5) Would the small privates even accept him? Maybe. Maybe if they're desperate for cash. But you're still sending him to a school that doesn't meet his academic needs (boredom=behavior), and doesn't prep him for high school, and they might counsel him out which will be really emotionally traumatic and will NOT cause him to "wake up". So you need to become knowledge about your public school option, because it might be your only option. I'm sorry, I know this is super hard, but that's the reality we parents live with sometimes.


It seems like overall, you don't have a schooling option that you're happy with, period. So maybe it's time to consider moving-- and maybe your current school would be content to have him stay if they knew you were moving.

[Anonymous]

My child is much younger than yours, but i think it’s possible that at a public school he might meet more kids like himself and they would be able to support his needs through an IEP.

It’s a tough call not sure what the right answer is. You need to do your homework on what the alternative schools offer for him and decide where you think he would be best off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to examine several of your ideas here.

1) What makes you think there won't be kids with behavioral needs at the small private schools? If they're accepting your kid, that means they're in general accepting kids with behavioral needs. It's not like your kid is going to be the only one with behaviors and the other 9 kids are going to be typically behaved. That's not a thing.

2) He's not going to wake up. He's not able to control his behavior. I'm not expecting you to say any specifics, but it sounds like he's really impulsive, he doesn't perceive social cues, he's desperate for friends or at least attention, or it's something to do with anxiety or emotional reactiveness. I'm not sure. But getting kicked out of school isn't going to cure him of any of those things. He needs time to mature. He's probably less mature than his age-peers (common for ADHD) and waking up to how his actions affect his long-term plan requires maturity.

3) People are right to caution you about small privates. No, the other kids are not guaranteed to be understanding and close, especially of a new kid who behaves disruptively. 10 kids in the class, probably at least 3-4 are girls and girls that age are increasingly impatient with the lower maturity level and typical behavior of boys in general. So he's got like 5 potential friends, and they're already friends with each other-- this seems like a really low chance of success.

4) The other thing about small mainstream privates, the kind you're describing, is that they're really small schools and tend to run on a low budget. They might not have the staff or the training to meet his needs, even if they say they do. Also, why do these schools tend to be bigger for elementary than middle. Red flag-- it's because people are leaving! The people who stay tend to be those who feel their kid can't handle a larger setting. So you're going to be around other kids with this kind of needs.

5) Would the small privates even accept him? Maybe. Maybe if they're desperate for cash. But you're still sending him to a school that doesn't meet his academic needs (boredom=behavior), and doesn't prep him for high school, and they might counsel him out which will be really emotionally traumatic and will NOT cause him to "wake up". So you need to become knowledge about your public school option, because it might be your only option. I'm sorry, I know this is super hard, but that's the reality we parents live with sometimes.


It seems like overall, you don't have a schooling option that you're happy with, period. So maybe it's time to consider moving-- and maybe your current school would be content to have him stay if they knew you were moving.

I just want to co-sign on this post. It exactly accords with my experience with a similar sounding kid and a small private middle school (including that pretty much every child on the middle school had adhd or autism or significant learning disabilities and the teachers, though very kind and great well meaning people, had zero special education training and no idea how to support the kids or handle a group with also many disparate needs.

I am not arguing public will be great. It may be a middling experience. But it’s probably the best option you have. There is rarely a perfect schooling situation for our kids.

[Anonymous]

If there was ever a kid who should be in their local public school, it's this one. He needs support from actual special education teachers. He needs an IEP that will be implemented by his gen ed teachers. He needs to be in an environment with lots of different kids so he has the best chance of finding "his people"

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're looking for a school with a high adult-child ratio (as distinct from student-teacher ratio), that might be your public. If in a private it's a teacher mostly alone with 10 kids, and in a public it's a teacher with 25-30 kids plus whatever other staffing they have (1:1 aides, any other kind of special needs-related adults), you might have better than 10:1 in the public. It really just depends. But my kid is in a public charter in NE DC and for 25 3rd graders there are 4 adults.

And +1 that you need actual special education teachers, not a well-meaning private school teacher with little support.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the food for thought. We are doing a number of things to address the situation with him and have been for several years. We thought he was in a good place to be able to handle himself at the school he's at now, but he clearly has struggled there. Without getting into specifics, I'll say that I agree it's impulsively, lack of social understanding, and anxiety about impressing peers. We had pretty high hopes for a new ADHD meds this year, and it's been fine but hasn't resolved anything on the social front.

I hear what your saying about adult-to-child ratio and that small privates can have nice but untrained teachers. I don't expect it would be a class without kids who have behavior issues, but based on the ones we've seen, I actually think they may have kids with challenges and are trying to support them. I'm not saying they are necessarily trained in this... But as I noted earlier, we have seen that the right personality and a hands-on approach while also giving freedom works pretty well. I'm not sure I see that being likely in a public. He will find any loophole and litigate it - "but there was a kid watching YouTube in class yesterday, why did I get in trouble for it today?" "Another kid eats candy during snacktime, so why didn't the teacher let me have my whole bag of Halloween candy?" Etc. we found that in public, there were just more kids getting away with little things because of the class sizes and school sizes, and then he felt he should be able to also (and could get angry and indignant when he couldn't because it felt unfair). He's older now, and we've worked on a lot of that response issue, but I see that as a recipe for a problem in public. That's my hesitation. But I agree with the critiques of private you have shared, too.

Anyone tried online schooling? Half kidding because I don't really want this for a range of reasons, but it might be an interim solution. Our district does offer it .

[Anonymous]

Public, but you need to call them and set up IEP meetings and get supports in place asap. See if you can negotiate to remain at his current school until the end of the semester or whatever a good transition point would be.

Public schools wont kick him out. It will give you space and time to treat his issues on your own in an environment where you dont have to worry about him being asked to leave.

[Anonymous]

I went to a small private, and no, if you don't fit in somehow, you will not "be like siblings." He is already going to be coming into a small environment where social groups are preformed.

Please send him to have a large public where he will be able to find friends, and keep an eye on him. Use that extra money to supplement if he needs it.

[Anonymous]

DH went to a small private and DS is at a small private and everyone is at a small private for a reason. Some of the kids are really artsy and needed a staff that understood that part of their brain. Others were traditionally SN quirky. It wasn't perfect but it was much better than at a big anonymous private. We tried the public. It was bad, really bad.

DS joined in MS. DH joined in late elementary. It's hard to tell how DS's friendships will turn out but DH is still friends with everyone in his graduating class and even some kids that left for public. The social dynamics seemed really nice. They hard parties many weekends with all invited and even sometimes had sleepovers. No one dated in the class. That was interesting. It was almost like they were too much like family.

[Anonymous]

It might depend on your kid's personality? DS is doing well at a small private and is on the more outgoing side. Kids do get annoyed when he gets distracted on group work but it has not prevented them from being friends.