What now? Public or small private after being kicked out

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier about my DS having issues in his private middle school. We won't know for sure until next week, but it looks like there's a not slim chance he could be asked to leave (or at the very least, we might be asked if we would like to leave).

I'm pretty devastated, and he will be, too. I think it may be a wakeup call for him to realize his $(#& will not be tolerated in middle school. It's too bad because I don't think he has done anything truly horrible, but he has made some bad choices. It's a combo of that and the school not really being able to support his social needs (he has ADHD and autism).

I don't know why he made the choices he did. His behavior at home has been quite good recently, and he has been happy there. He struggles with making friends and with needing to do provocative things to impress people. We've done a lot of work with him and us on things, but this one has been hard - not least of all because we aren't there at school. Do social skills classes help with this type of thing?

My real question is - do we send him to public or try to get him into one of the very small privated nearby? We are not in the DC area, so our options are limited, and he was going to a very good medium-sized private. There are two very small privates that go up to 8th grade but are mostly elementary kids. He would be in a class of just 10 kids or so, with maybe 30 in the whole middle school.

He would like to go to the big public, but I'm hesitant to give him what he wants as a sign that he can screw up at private and then just go ahead and go to the public (which he would have preferred originally but more or less forgot about). He will get into trouble at the public, although we won't hear about it until it's something major because it's a big school. It will mean he probably ends up flying under the radar and potentially getting into things he shouldn't before we can stop them. On the other hand, the very small privates would feel like a huge punishment to him, and I'm not really sure they're academically that great. I think they would probably be good for him socially, but they also wouldn't help prepare him for high school (for which there are very few options, all of them pretty large).

[Anonymous]

I think public would help his needs more.

I agree it is tough because he will feel he is being rewarded for his behavior.

Could you make a "deal" and say ok, we will do public but you will need to do community service (or some other social skills class)...

[Anonymous]

Send him to public where they can adequately deal with him.

[Anonymous]

Just send him to public where he can more easily make friends OP.

[Anonymous]

Do not send him to a small private. Usually, those kids have been together forever and will not be open to a new, disruptive peer. You need to realize that social skills change in MS. What was okay behavior wise for your son in elementary is no longer okay in MS - this 100% goes for peers as well as teachers. Put him in public where the large size will help him find friends that accept him for who he is. Signed parent of AuADHd teen

[Anonymous]

It's not about rewarding or not his behavior. It's about thinking where he will be supported. Does the other private school have a proven track record with kids like yours? If not, what do you see that makes you think he would be more successful there -- what specifically makes it different?

The public school has legal requirements, but implemention varies. What do you know about how they support IEPs generally and specifically kids like yours?

[Anonymous]

If you don't like your public middle and high school options, and you also don't like your private school options, why do you live there?

It sounds like the small privates are not appealing to you-- it would definitely be hard for me to pay tuition to a school I didn't think was good academically and wasn't preparing him for high school! And I wouldn't be so sure it would help him make friends. Small privates, especially really small ones, can be very hard for kids who struggles socially.

I think public may be your best bet in a tough situation. At least look into it. Maybe the team there is better than you think.

"Your @#$@# will not be tolerated" is basically the motto of all middle schools. It's SO common for middle schoolers to get into trouble as they do the developmentally appropriate testing of boundaries and learning to handle more freedom. I think you need to ask yourself if the things he might get up to are really problems that endanger or hurt anyone, or are they just annoyances. Because a certain amount of this comes with the package when you have a middle schooler regardless of diagnosis. And we parents have to accept that and adjust, hard as it may be!

[Anonymous]

If there is no private near you that deals with the SN your kid has then you should do public.
Has he faced any consequences for his actions at current school?

[Anonymous]

You’re talking a lot about his bad choices and hoping he smartens up, as if it’s all on him. This is a kid who has autism and adhd. Some kids with this profile are ok in elementary or ok enough, but he is almost certainly not going to be able to hang with typical kids in middle and high school. It only gets harder. He needs support. If public is your best option, work to get him appropriate supports there. The problem will not magically be solved by finding another private that will take him.

[Anonymous]

Pushing the wake-up call angle is only likely to lead to self-loathing and mental health issues. He can’t wake up and cope. He would if he could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pushing the wake-up call angle is only likely to lead to self-loathing and mental health issues. He can’t wake up and cope. He would if he could.

Sorry I’m posting again. Kids like this often make terrible choices to gain social approval / respect from peers because they lack the coolness, understanding and tools to gain it in socially healthy ways.

[Anonymous]

If you're asked if you would like to leave, can you try staying while agreeing on some consequences/behaviors that would make amends? Maybe it's worth one more try?

[Anonymous]

The thing about public is they'll have a much harder time kicking him out. If you do another private and they also can't meet his needs, that will be a hugely difficult experience for him.

[Anonymous]

Public has been GREAT for my similar kid. It’s actually a good thing that they have a lower threshold for “getting in trouble” because he will feel more accepted and his behavior could spiral upwards. That’s eventually what happened to my kid. And an IEP can get him meetings with the social worker, speech therapy and more behavioral support. He’ll also have more diversity of kids to find friends in.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all your views on this. I'm still a little in shock, to be honest.

You've all made good points. My concern about the public is that it will NOT be in a position to really meet his needs. Yes, they might be less surprised by misbehavior and unable to kick him out, but the types of supports he needs are not academic, and a large school with kids who themselves have behavioral challenges is not likely to result in him succeeding. So far, his choice of friends in all settings (elementary, camps, this school) has been less than helpful in promoting positive behavior.

We don't expect him to "shape up" all on his own, but we are also struggling with how to support that, when we can only do so much at home and schools aren't super engaged at the times he needs it most (ie lunch, recess, free time). My hope with the "maybe he'll get it now" concept is mostly that maybe he will finally realize that he really does need help. It is always someone else's fault or a rare situation because of x, y, x or a teacher who doesn't "get him." If he really is kicked out, he might have to face the music that he isn't on the trajectory he wants to be on. Now, that's my dream - not what I actually think will be his attitude, sadly.

FWIW, he was in a public in early elementary, and the IEP was not going to do much to address the challenges he had. What types of IEP supports have you seen to help with social and behavioral? It's frustrating because he displays as just a behavior problem, and most teachers can't see through that (some great ones have, and he excelled in their classes!).