What’s your stance on friend’s parents funerals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never fly for a funeral or expect others to. After my brother died, there was a friend that called me once a month for a year just to say that he was thinking of me. I’ll always be appreciative

One of my friends checked in with me 1 month and 6 months after my Dad died. I really appreciated that. I would not attend the funeral though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Always go to the funeral. It’s a rule my parents told me and that I try to follow.

What is the justification for this "rule"?

Pretty sure pp meant it as a personal “rule”, like if you’re on the fence about going, make the effort and go. I follow that rule too. In op’s case, I think it’s just too far to make sense, but I’ve driven up to NY from here in DC for funerals before and think that’s a reasonable distance to travel.

PP

I read "Always go to the funeral" as "always go to the funeral". Always make an effort is something else, of course.

Personally, I don't expect anything. I hold funerals to offer opportunity for closure, unless the deceased has specified otherwise. I don't expect anyone to attend. I don't get to dictate how people grieve.

[Anonymous]

It’s too far, OP. In your shoes I’d make sure to reach out, support from afar, and especially support once the funeral is over and your friend’s life gets back to its new normal. You are someone she can talk to about her dad. That’s invaluable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Always go to the funeral. It’s a rule my parents told me and that I try to follow.

What is the justification for this "rule"?

Pretty sure pp meant it as a personal “rule”, like if you’re on the fence about going, make the effort and go. I follow that rule too. In op’s case, I think it’s just too far to make sense, but I’ve driven up to NY from here in DC for funerals before and think that’s a reasonable distance to travel.

PP

I read "Always go to the funeral" as "always go to the funeral". Always make an effort is something else, of course.

Personally, I don't expect anything. I hold funerals to offer opportunity for closure, unless the deceased has specified otherwise. I don't expect anyone to attend. I don't get to dictate how people grieve.

My grandparents always said you show up for 'a hatch, a match and a dispatch' haha. I also try to always go however I think this situation is exactly on the line. It depends on the friend/situation. I recently went far out of my way to attend a friend's parents funeral, but the friend in question is not married and doesn't have a large support network and while it was an expense/difficulty to attend it was not a $1000 flight and hotel. More like a multi hour drive/couple nights in a hotel situation. I had a friend who lost a parent last year who is similarly close but was farther away and that friend had a much more robust support network around her and that one I did not go to. You have to look at your own needs/life as well when making these decisions.

[Anonymous]

I make an effort and will reschedule things as needed to be there for a friend, but you can only do so much. I moved a colonoscopy to attend a funeral recently (which sounds like a bonus since I got to put it off but really it was a hassle to find another time that wasn't too far in the future). It sounds like this would put you out a lot, so I would reach out to the friend and let her know that you're really sorry you can't be there and maybe there is a time you can go see her that's easier for you? If I were your friend, I would totally understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think flying is expected. Best friends + local friends is enough. But yes, do be attentive and caring. And set a calendar reminder for a year from the date.

I second all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Always go to the funeral. It’s a rule my parents told me and that I try to follow.

What is the justification for this "rule"?

Pretty sure pp meant it as a personal “rule”, like if you’re on the fence about going, make the effort and go. I follow that rule too. In op’s case, I think it’s just too far to make sense, but I’ve driven up to NY from here in DC for funerals before and think that’s a reasonable distance to travel.

PP

I read "Always go to the funeral" as "always go to the funeral". Always make an effort is something else, of course.

Personally, I don't expect anything. I hold funerals to offer opportunity for closure, unless the deceased has specified otherwise. I don't expect anyone to attend. I don't get to dictate how people grieve.

My grandparents always said you show up for 'a hatch, a match and a dispatch' haha. I also try to always go however I think this situation is exactly on the line. It depends on the friend/situation. I recently went far out of my way to attend a friend's parents funeral, but the friend in question is not married and doesn't have a large support network and while it was an expense/difficulty to attend it was not a $1000 flight and hotel. More like a multi hour drive/couple nights in a hotel situation. I had a friend who lost a parent last year who is similarly close but was farther away and that friend had a much more robust support network around her and that one I did not go to. You have to look at your own needs/life as well when making these decisions.

Right, I'd get on a plane and fly to CA for my best friend but I'd get in the car and drive to SC for a lesser friend. In OP's case, I think you can not go and feel ok about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. You don’t have the money or time to take off work. Send a heartfelt card with a sweet memory of the dad, send some food, and reach out to your friend once a week. Especially through the holidays.

+1

I would not travel for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly getting to the age where friends’ parents are dropping like flies. Most of my high school/college friends live across the country (where I grew up) and a good friend’s father passed away a couple days ago, whom I knew fairly well (20+ years ago). Debating on whether I go to the funeral, which is on Monday and would be pretty challenging for a couple reasons - tickets are over $1,000, I have family coming into town for Thanksgiving then (so I wouldn’t be there until the next day at best), and I don’t have any unused vacation days at work (would need to swap a day I was planning to use for my kids’ winter break which is not ideal).

I don’t want to be insensitive and would love to be there for this old friend (who I keep in touch with over text and see for a lunch or coffee once every other year at this point - trying to give context to our current relationship even though we were college roommates and very close many years ago).

What is your position on traveling for friends’ parents funerals. Do I need to suck it up and do it?

It's nice if you can do it, but not mandatory.

I missed my best friend's mother's funeral, which was hard. I was solo parenting and my kids were too young to leave alone and fly across the country and flying all three of us last minute was prohibitively expensive.

Send flowers or food, make time for a phone call. Apologize for your absence. But it's hard to make it sometimes even when you want to.

[Anonymous]

I'd only catch a flight for a very close friend's parent. For people that live in my area, I will make the effort to attend.

[Anonymous]

I regret not attending my friend’s mother’s funeral when she died suddenly (drowning accident) a number of years ago. But it was across the country and my children were young. Since then I’ve thought of the friends I was close enough to growing up that I’d want to be there for them / be willing to fly, and it’s really only one friend I’d fly for. My parents and local sibling (and his wife) attended my friend’s mom’s funeral (they were our neighbors) so I was glad the family was represented.

Although I regret not going( I also tend to have enough vacation time. I definitely wouldn’t go in your shoes, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’ll make the effort for my closest friends (two of them). One I know would want me there; the other may be indifferent but I will ask. I have fond memories of her parents so it would be meaningful to me personally.

[Anonymous]

Based on your description, this is one I would go to.

It’s the combo of two things - one, you knew the friend well when you were young, and thus know the dad and their relationship, plus you’re still in fairly close touch now.

That’s a rare combo. As we age, our friends don’t really meet or interact with our parents the way that high school and early adult friends did. I’m 40 - I don’t think any friend I’ve met in the past 15-20 years would really know my parents (maybe meet them once or twice, but not know them).

I have maybe 3-4 friends left that I’m close with who know my parents well (high school and early college friends) and I’m someone who holds on to friends more than most! I think for most people that number is 1 or 2, if any. If you’re this person’s 1-2 like that, I think you should go.

If you happen to know that they keep in touch with a large contingent of high school friends who live local, it’d be a different answer, but that’s pretty unusual.

If you were a friend (even a pretty close one) of more recent vintage, I wouldn’t fly for this.

[Anonymous]

I am still very close to my best high school friends, and a few of us flew to a different city for one of their parent's funeral recently. I think our friend really appreciated it, and it was a chance for those of us who came to catch up in person.

[Anonymous]

If it is within a 2 hour drive, I’d go. Otherwise, no.