What’s your stance on friend’s parents funerals?

[Anonymous]

Sadly getting to the age where friends’ parents are dropping like flies. Most of my high school/college friends live across the country (where I grew up) and a good friend’s father passed away a couple days ago, whom I knew fairly well (20+ years ago). Debating on whether I go to the funeral, which is on Monday and would be pretty challenging for a couple reasons - tickets are over $1,000, I have family coming into town for Thanksgiving then (so I wouldn’t be there until the next day at best), and I don’t have any unused vacation days at work (would need to swap a day I was planning to use for my kids’ winter break which is not ideal).

I don’t want to be insensitive and would love to be there for this old friend (who I keep in touch with over text and see for a lunch or coffee once every other year at this point - trying to give context to our current relationship even though we were college roommates and very close many years ago).

What is your position on traveling for friends’ parents funerals. Do I need to suck it up and do it?

[Anonymous]

Nope. You don’t have the money or time to take off work. Send a heartfelt card with a sweet memory of the dad, send some food, and reach out to your friend once a week. Especially through the holidays.

[Anonymous]

I only can share my experience now over 20 years ago. My father died fairly young so I was living 6 hours away from where I grew up.
Overall, the friends of my brother and I who came to his funeral were the local ones. Our friends from afar did not attend.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your current friendship with the deceased's child. I have a couple of good friends from HS (am in my mid-50s), and I would drop everything for their parent's funerals, others, I'd just send condolences

[Anonymous]

Always go to the funeral. It’s a rule my parents told me and that I try to follow.

[Anonymous]

If you were local or within a few hours drive, I would encourage you to go. But no, no one expects you to fly across the country for a friend’s parent’s funeral. That’s just not realistic.

Send a sympathy note instead. If you have an anecdote or special memory, or even an un-special memory of her dad, include that in the note. Knowing our loved ones are remembered by others is truly comforting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly getting to the age where friends’ parents are dropping like flies. Most of my high school/college friends live across the country (where I grew up) and a good friend’s father passed away a couple days ago, whom I knew fairly well (20+ years ago). Debating on whether I go to the funeral, which is on Monday and would be pretty challenging for a couple reasons - tickets are over $1,000, I have family coming into town for Thanksgiving then (so I wouldn’t be there until the next day at best), and I don’t have any unused vacation days at work (would need to swap a day I was planning to use for my kids’ winter break which is not ideal).

I don’t want to be insensitive and would love to be there for this old friend (who I keep in touch with over text and see for a lunch or coffee once every other year at this point - trying to give context to our current relationship even though we were college roommates and very close many years ago).

What is your position on traveling for friends’ parents funerals. Do I need to suck it up and do it?

No. You do not need to go to this funeral nor should you given all the parameters you have outlined. My rule is that I travel if I can for close friends. But that means that time and money do not factor into the consideration. If time/money are an issue I don't travel. Your friend will need you after the funeral. After the initial period of mourning and outpouring of support from others there comes a day where the phone stops ringing and everyone else has moved on. That's the time you need to be there for your friend. On some random day when no one else called to check in!

[Anonymous]

I don't think flying is expected. Best friends + local friends is enough. But yes, do be attentive and caring. And set a calendar reminder for a year from the date.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. It’s right thing to try to make it, but I don’t think it makes sense in this case.

The best thing you can do is be there for your friend in the months to come. Check in with her regularly and let her know you’re there to talk. If it makes sense after the holidays or in the spring, suggest a girls’ weekend away, or go visit her then.

[Anonymous]

I would never fly for a funeral or expect others to. After my brother died, there was a friend that called me once a month for a year just to say that he was thinking of me. I’ll always be appreciative

[Anonymous]

You go when you can, you don’t when you can’t. When you can’t, you send respects and if you can, a meaningful donation of their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always go to the funeral. It’s a rule my parents told me and that I try to follow.

What is the justification for this "rule"?

[Anonymous]

I go to funerals/memorials if they are within driving distance, which means back to the home town in Pennsylvania. Flying would be too much for me.

[Anonymous]

I would not fly or travel for a friend's parents funeral. Better to use your time connecting with your friend after the rush of the funeral is over. If a friend's parent is local to me I might try to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Always go to the funeral. It’s a rule my parents told me and that I try to follow.

What is the justification for this "rule"?

Pretty sure pp meant it as a personal “rule”, like if you’re on the fence about going, make the effort and go. I follow that rule too. In op’s case, I think it’s just too far to make sense, but I’ve driven up to NY from here in DC for funerals before and think that’s a reasonable distance to travel.