Romance Vs Ribbing

[Anonymous]

What is ribbing to one person is ridicule to another.

My dad always made fun of me growing up. It was cruel and not harmless at all (think race, intelligence, values, etc). I grew up feeling ugly and stupid. The working world has shown me that's certainly not the case at all.

As an adult, I understand it's because he's immature. He doesn't have the bandwidth to say something kind to someone's face. I don't know why that is - maybe kindness is a vulnerability in his mind and he can't show that. The sad thing is my mom now, probably after decades of being with him and never receiving kindness, does it too. So hanging out with both of them is painful and all they do is make fun of everyone around them. People don't like them at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is Middle Eastern & he and his friends are constantly teasing each other and ribbing each other in a group chat. He ended up doing that to me too, which initially was a bit of an issue, but then I pushed back and also ribbed in return. He just said that he and his friends aren’t serious and this is just how they’ve communicated all their lives. I am not one of the guys, but he can’t help but tease or rib me as well. I’ve come to accept it, but I see how you might not want this to continue.

My 14 year old son already figured this out in his approach to girls. Boys and men roast each other. Guys who want girlfriends or wives that actually want to sleep with them and stay with them quickly learn this is not a good strategy. Grown men who can't outgrow this maturity are morons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ribbing has to include loads of self deprecation, otherwise it is just meanness disguised as "jokes".

I watch my DH's family treat each other like this. Guess what? My MIL has alienated herself from almost every single extended family member. She doesn't know where the line of "oh haha this is a quirk we can joke about" becomes "wow I'm just an a-hole ragging on every tiny little thing about you". She also has ZERO self-awareness and ability to laugh at herself. If anyone says an even slightly pointed comment at her, she loses her mind and cries.

Thankfully my DH learned some social skills other places. But yes, we had many discussions about how kids don't always want to be "teased" and how I don't either. An occasion joke fine. But you have to also make fun of yourself. We also spent a lot of time talking about how you actually communicate needs and how passive aggressive comments don't get the job done. Say what you mean sometimes.

The idea that "this is the only way I can communicate" is nonsense. He can learn new ways. If he WANTS to. Only he can decide if it's worth it.

Start the conversations now, before kids.

Good points! I'd also say it has to go both ways. If it's one person always doing the ribbing and someone else is the target, it's just mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H comes from a family where ribbing is how family members interact with each other. I’ve brought up recently I wish we had more romance. I don’t need expensive candlelit dinners, but words of affirmation are my love language, and I’d love to hear more kind, loving words.

H responded that his form of ribbing is romantic and that’s how he shows affection. But it doesn’t feel loving to me, most of the time it just feels like I’m constantly being made fun of and I hate it. To the point I don’t even really want to talk to him because I know he’ll make fun of me. One time I asked him to name something he actually liked about me and he couldn’t think of anything.

I’m worried because if a guy did come along who said all the right things, I don’t think I’d be able to resist. I know it would be fake but it would be nice to hear SOMETHING affectionate about me.

These are the things for which we are supposed to date, get in a live in relationship, become engaged and then get married so we know what we are getting into. Love at first sight and rushed marriages come with surprises.

[Anonymous]

Wow I really was thinking ribbing meant something else in this context. I know the term, but is this really the term he/his family uses?

If he is this annoying/unfunny, or if you are, you may want to split before you have kids as this is kind of a communications impasse. Was this ever cool or is it life/hormones causing the sudden change in appreciating 'ribbing'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow I really was thinking ribbing meant something else in this context. I know the term, but is this really the term he/his family uses?

If he is this annoying/unfunny, or if you are, you may want to split before you have kids as this is kind of a communications impasse. Was this ever cool or is it life/hormones causing the sudden change in appreciating 'ribbing'?

You're thinking of rimming, lol.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman but also grew up in a family that teased each other all the time. We weren't a serious family. A lot of giving each other a hard time and sarcastic and witty comments. SInce we grew up with it, we knew how to give and take and we knew it was all in good fun.

I actually didn't realize while growing up that people who grow up in serious homes without a lot of humor would find it mean and offensive. When I was 17 or 18, someone told me I was mean after I joked with them and it caught me off guard. I asked them more about why they thought I was mean and we have a great conversation about it. I made adjustments after that and changed. My close friends tend to be those who can joke and laugh at themselves and others and I wouldn't have married someone who didn't get it either but if it isn't someone in my close circle, I am very careful what I say and I don't joke with them.

But it would be extremely hard for me if my husband only wanted serious conversations with no wit or humour or joking around. I wouldn't be able to be in that kind of marriage (but I wouldn't have married a serious person who doesn't joke or who is offended by joking).

[Anonymous]

I get hit. I have a similar sense of humor.

Ribbing is only romantic if he has earned your trust.

He doesn't need to stop ribbing, but he does need to make it worth your while via the rest of his actions and words building you up and supporting you.

[Anonymous]

I get it, not I get hit!

Not a Freudian slip!

[Anonymous]

OP how on earth did you end up married to this guy? Was it an arranged marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow I really was thinking ribbing meant something else in this context. I know the term, but is this really the term he/his family uses?

If he is this annoying/unfunny, or if you are, you may want to split before you have kids as this is kind of a communications impasse. Was this ever cool or is it life/hormones causing the sudden change in appreciating 'ribbing'?

Interesting way to say that you think OP lost her "sense of humor" due to "hormones"/menopause. Because that's what you really mean here. I guess you were trying to couch it in nicer terms, but PP, re-examine your assumptions, please. You may not realize it but you just exhibited a classic negative stereotype about how women always get irritable due to hormones. And it is a stereotype and an assumption. Try to be aware you think this way, and try to nip it.

[Anonymous]

Jocko has a. good video on this where he talks about how he was starting to treat his wife in the same was as his military friends and she stopped him and said to stop and that she was not a team guy. He had to realize it was a different relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman but also grew up in a family that teased each other all the time. We weren't a serious family. A lot of giving each other a hard time and sarcastic and witty comments. SInce we grew up with it, we knew how to give and take and we knew it was all in good fun.

I actually didn't realize while growing up that people who grow up in serious homes without a lot of humor would find it mean and offensive. When I was 17 or 18, someone told me I was mean after I joked with them and it caught me off guard. I asked them more about why they thought I was mean and we have a great conversation about it. I made adjustments after that and changed. My close friends tend to be those who can joke and laugh at themselves and others and I wouldn't have married someone who didn't get it either but if it isn't someone in my close circle, I am very careful what I say and I don't joke with them.

But it would be extremely hard for me if my husband only wanted serious conversations with no wit or humour or joking around. I wouldn't be able to be in that kind of marriage (but I wouldn't have married a serious person who doesn't joke or who is offended by joking).

Do you really think that people who don't want to be ribbed, roasted, and teased "grew up in serious homes without a lot of humor" and that they "only want serious conversations with no wit or humor"?

You don't understand the difference between shared, mutually fun humor and jokes, and unwelcome teasing that's aimed at another person, PP.

I'm glad to read that you actually listened to the person who called you out on being mean and you adjusted your behavior, but you still seem confidently judgemental about others who don't find ribbing funny like you were raised to do. People can have plenty of humor but still not want to be ribbed, which is pretty much a form of attack humor that's based on being negative about the other person, usually defended by the insistence "but it's only in fun!"

Not everyone who doesn't roast others, or like being roasted, is a "serious person" without any sense of humor. But you sure do assume that above.