Inlaws visiting and the decline is real

[Anonymous]

I missed the 18 month thing. Unless you have some really extenuating circumstances, why so long?

[Anonymous]

My mom died at 90. She was robust, strong, alert. One day she said she felt "funny" and 3 weeks later she was dead. Of nothing. just old age. Surprising, but not shocking.

On the other hand, my dad declined for 15 years and it was was awful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. And I mean this kindly, or not (take it how you wish), you do not know our relationship and the reasons for the gaps in time. We have a very good relationship but they live 10 hour away and they travel a lot. They have a lot of activities and friends still. They are very busy. Too busy to come visit us very much.

And fwiw, I forgot that my DH did see them briefly this summer (briefly b/c THEY were busy and didn't make a lot of time for him while he was there - which is FINE.) But to somehow imply that we are horrible for not seeing them more is not accurate or right. A large part of the reasons we dont see them more i they are very busy. And that's great. But it's also why we are so suprised about how his physical decline has accelerated.

And honestly, when someone comes asking about opinions like this, the judgmental responses are uncalled for, unappreciated, and just nasty. But, I guess I should know better on this site.

Oh well, as I'm not getting any helpful insights, I'm out. Flame away. It's what y'all do best, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I missed the 18 month thing. Unless you have some really extenuating circumstances, why so long?

Not your business.

[Anonymous]

My grandfather, who died in his sleep at 69, was full of life. One of his female friends said at his funeral, "death does not befit you."

Mortality is why I'm turning to religion, albeit Sufism (we are Muslims), despite my Western education, because what else is there? How else can we deal with the fact that we are here to die?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I mean this kindly, or not (take it how you wish), you do not know our relationship and the reasons for the gaps in time. We have a very good relationship but they live 10 hour away and they travel a lot. They have a lot of activities and friends still. They are very busy. Too busy to come visit us very much.

And fwiw, I forgot that my DH did see them briefly this summer (briefly b/c THEY were busy and didn't make a lot of time for him while he was there - which is FINE.) But to somehow imply that we are horrible for not seeing them more is not accurate or right. A large part of the reasons we dont see them more i they are very busy. And that's great. But it's also why we are so suprised about how his physical decline has accelerated.

And honestly, when someone comes asking about opinions like this, the judgmental responses are uncalled for, unappreciated, and just nasty. But, I guess I should know better on this site.

Oh well, as I'm not getting any helpful insights, I'm out. Flame away. It's what y'all do best, apparently.

You are contradicting yourself big-time. If they are so busy and traveling and engaging in so many activities that they don’t have time to see you then they’re obviously fine so what is your problem. You just don’t like the way they look?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think there are things you need to start planning for now before it's too late.

This is the right forum. Maybe some people on here can mention what they wish they had done earlier? Better?

Moved the parents closer? Found assistance with driving or other tasks? Managed aspects of health care or finances?

[Anonymous]

It's a huge blessing to live that long and to have traveled so much and lead a full life. I focus on that. I have worked with terminally kids so I don't see getting to live a full life cycle as tragic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to see them more often. Time is much shorter than you think.

BTDT

NP: it's not always feasible unless you live nearby. My parents live 2 flights and 3K miles away. I try to visit 2x per year. But it's really not feasible to just go there every month or two. It's time and money involved. I also have kids at home, who also need me around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to see them more often. Time is much shorter than you think.

BTDT

NP: it's not always feasible unless you live nearby. My parents live 2 flights and 3K miles away. I try to visit 2x per year. But it's really not feasible to just go there every month or two. It's time and money involved. I also have kids at home, who also need me around.

It had been over a year for OP

[Anonymous]

OP, it is a shock. Late 70s is still young IMO but once they hit mid 80s you are really old...

It is a sign that you need to visit them more.

[Anonymous]

Are they seeing their local doctor? How are they eating? How are they getting food? Maybe sign them up for Wheels for Meals. Many communities have that. Check their lab values. Would worry about low Vit D , cardiovascular disease , and or / low iron or anemia. I used to work in a hospital with a geriatric population. A lot of people would get admitted over the holidays as that is when family saw them and saw how ill they seemed. Would not just assume this is aging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re 85. Get a grip.

Feel free to scroll on by without being a prick. K?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I mean this kindly, or not (take it how you wish), you do not know our relationship and the reasons for the gaps in time. We have a very good relationship but they live 10 hour away and they travel a lot. They have a lot of activities and friends still. They are very busy. Too busy to come visit us very much.

And fwiw, I forgot that my DH did see them briefly this summer (briefly b/c THEY were busy and didn't make a lot of time for him while he was there - which is FINE.) But to somehow imply that we are horrible for not seeing them more is not accurate or right. A large part of the reasons we dont see them more i they are very busy. And that's great. But it's also why we are so suprised about how his physical decline has accelerated.

And honestly, when someone comes asking about opinions like this, the judgmental responses are uncalled for, unappreciated, and just nasty. But, I guess I should know better on this site.

Oh well, as I'm not getting any helpful insights, I'm out. Flame away. It's what y'all do best, apparently.

It was a relevant question and some asked politely. People gave you lots of helpful advice. If you post on DCUM you will likely get some mean responses. You must know that. Your “kindly” response here says a lot. I hope your ILs don’t have to rely on you.

[Anonymous]

I think you're lucky they haven't been a burden to you in all this time. It lloks like they still might not need any help for awhile. I wish my MIL lived 10 hours away.