Inlaws visiting and the decline is real

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. But this is the first time we've seen my inlaws in a year or so and they are 85. My FIL, in particular, has always been robust, healthy, walked a lot, they travel a lot, etc. But now he's def slower, his mobility isn't as great, very rigid/anxious (not being critical, it just is so it takes some patience, for sure). But, he's also getting a "corpse-y" look to him: stringy hair, bony, thin lips, drawn face, etc.

It was shocking to me and to my DH. How did you feel/cope with this? The knowledge that they'll likely be gone sooner rather than later? It's just so sad to see the end of your parents' lives when they were such healthy, formidable people in their younger years. And then knowing that is what is in store for all of us . . . ugh.

[Anonymous]

They’re 85. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

It just is what it is. I know what you mean about the skeleton look-- it's like death waving hello.

I tell myself that the alternative (dying young-elderly) is worse. But sometimes I wonder if that's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re 85. Get a grip.

Feel free to scroll on by without being a prick. K?

[Anonymous]

Losing a loved one is always painful. Whether they are 69 or 99, whether there’s a long decline or not, it still hurts and there’s still an element of shock.

Try not to let the death that will come steal from the now. FIL is changing. He can’t do what he did before. But he’s alive and so are all of you. Make the most of the time you have and accept that it means doing some different things.

[Anonymous]

If you saw them more than every 18 months, the change would seem more gradual.

[Anonymous]

My mom got very thin at what we later realized was the start of Alzheimer's disease. What you're seeing may be normal aging, or may be a sign that they need more in-home assistance with meals and more.

[Anonymous]

You need to see them more often. Time is much shorter than you think.

BTDT

[Anonymous]

My mom died last year at age 101. Losing a parent is tough. As long as they are able to enjoy their life despite the limitations, it’s a good thing. My mom was in good shape until the last 18 months. It’s hard to watch. My mantra was every party has to end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you saw them more than every 18 months, the change would seem more gradual.

This.

Aging always seems sped up when there are big gaps in between; even with the young. It’s just more depressing with the old because of death.

I’d try to see them more regularly and make more memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you saw them more than every 18 months, the change would seem more gradual.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

I feel so terrible to see them aging so much, yet I never bother to see them more than once a year.

Yawn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom got very thin at what we later realized was the start of Alzheimer's disease. What you're seeing may be normal aging, or may be a sign that they need more in-home assistance with meals and more.

This. Perhaps rather than using reactionary mental language like "corpse-y", you can reframe from a problem solving perspective. Maybe meals and haircuts are more difficult. Among other things. This is not a surprise at age 85. When was the last time your DH visited their home and saw how things operated? He may want to do that soon.

Aging doesn't have to be scary and undignified with the right assistance.

[Anonymous]

come on 85!

[Anonymous]

Old people look old. I'm not sure what you were expecting? People decline in all ways as they age. This is totally normal. Are these the first old people you've ever known?

I knew my great-grandma for the first 15 years of my life - I watched her get older and older and all the things that go with that. Oldness doesn't phase me.