Breadwinners moving back in with parents after divorce?

[Anonymous]

I find my parents annoying at times and see them multiple times a week and they provide a lot of childcare. Im married and the breadwinner. If we were to divorce (no such plans) i would consider moving in with them for a time mostly because having more adults that love my kids around them is a good thing. Even if my relationship with them is complicated.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a weirdly self-congratulatory post and it is 100 percent judgmental. Your so called “friend” (I hope she has more supportive friends in her orbit) is clearly doing what is in her best interest and the best interest of her kids.
You should try harder to be a better friend and human.
Have a good day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.

I wasn’t even the breadwinner, but immediately I found a one bedroom and made it work, just to maintain my independence. I was already used to paying part of a mortgage, and my rent was equivalent to my contribution to our mortgage. It was just a no-brainer. I maintained my personal routine, private life, and independence, just in a smaller space. But it was my OWN space.

I have a friend who has moved back in to her parent’s tiny three-bedroom bungalow with her parents. She brought her two kids. I can’t imagine how cramped it must be. More importantly, I can’t imagine trying to raise my kids with my parents underfoot. No privacy. Etc.

I have another friend who moved back in years ago, makes a damn good living, and still hasn’t moved out on her own again.

Do I just value my independence more?

Everyone is different, so are their parents, children and co-parenting ex. What works for you, isn't a universally guaranteed solution for everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP is a jerk. Very judgmental. Some people like their parents. And it has nothing to do with "independence". You can be independent and live with your parents, BTW.

[Anonymous]

It’s unlikely that their financial situation is as strong as you think.

[Anonymous]

Did you get cheated on or husband abandon you? I’m guessing not.
Mine did , and even though I’m a high income, very successful independent woman, I’m so shattered that all I want to do is go home to my mom’s (with my kids) and be safe and loved for a while.

[Anonymous]

No, you don't. You are a judgemental jerk and it comes out in your post very fast.

[Anonymous]

Yes, yes you are trying to be judgmental.
Try understanding that people do lots things differently than you do.
Things they enjoy, they are accountable for and manage quite well.
I don’t like beets but I know darn well there are people who do and it’s not a mystery to me why the their tastebuds don’t match mine.

[Anonymous]

I'll one up you OP, I know someone that moved in with their ex's parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming it is more for emotional support as well as having someone else to help with the kids.

I know married couples who live with one set of parents in a jointly owned home. It would not work for me but they do have so much more freedom and flexibility. No having to rush out of work to pick up kids.

This was my first thought. Especially if as a breadwinner they have an inflexible schedule, suddenly having to manage school pickups, extracurriculars, etc. on their own could be tricky. I’d much rather have grandparents involved than try to manage part time help, which is notoriously hard to find and flaky.

I know many families where grandparents stay with married children. And no, they are not care givers or home cleaners. They do pool resources in a normal manner and that also affords them cleaners, nanny, landscapers and part time cooks. Everyone benefits and the grandparents are there to keep an eye on the service providers. Everyone also saves money because of economy of scale.

In COVID, these households were able to handle the isolation and lack of support by everyone pitching in together.

[Anonymous]

She and her parents like each other more than you and your parents do, I suspect.

[Anonymous]

You sound very judgmental. Who knows what goes on in other people’s families? Maybe a kid has special needs or a parent recently got a diagnosis and will need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.

I wasn’t even the breadwinner, but immediately I found a one bedroom and made it work, just to maintain my independence. I was already used to paying part of a mortgage, and my rent was equivalent to my contribution to our mortgage. It was just a no-brainer. I maintained my personal routine, private life, and independence, just in a smaller space. But it was my OWN space.

I have a friend who has moved back in to her parent’s tiny three-bedroom bungalow with her parents. She brought her two kids. I can’t imagine how cramped it must be. More importantly, I can’t imagine trying to raise my kids with my parents underfoot. No privacy. Etc.

I have another friend who moved back in years ago, makes a damn good living, and still hasn’t moved out on her own again.

Do I just value my independence more?

Yeah, you do.

Easy answer.

I'm not divorced, I'm happily married. But if I lived in the same town as my parents and found myself divorced, for sure I would be happy to move in with them. I get along great with them. My son adores them and would love the company. It would make the whole thing more bearable. I have an older neighbor I was chatting with who was telling me how here husband passed away 10 years ago, and then her daughter divorced and moved in with her and brought her 2 teenage sons, and my neighbor was telling me how they all loved the arrangement, it was supposed to be for 6 months but they had been there for three years and none of them wanted to end things. Not sure why it would be hard to understand why someone would want to move in with their parents; esp when so many women consider their mothers their best friends.

It’s incredibly disruptive to children and the grandparents can help with childcare and lend some emotional support. And everyone is in a different place financially.

Ideally, most people with children want to get divorced and buy another house down the street and have everything stay the same for the kids and financially. But that’s rarely possible. Sacrifices are usually inevitable. Most people, most parents, are just trying to get through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.

I wasn’t even the breadwinner, but immediately I found a one bedroom and made it work, just to maintain my independence. I was already used to paying part of a mortgage, and my rent was equivalent to my contribution to our mortgage. It was just a no-brainer. I maintained my personal routine, private life, and independence, just in a smaller space. But it was my OWN space.

I have a friend who has moved back in to her parent’s tiny three-bedroom bungalow with her parents. She brought her two kids. I can’t imagine how cramped it must be. More importantly, I can’t imagine trying to raise my kids with my parents underfoot. No privacy. Etc.

I have another friend who moved back in years ago, makes a damn good living, and still hasn’t moved out on her own again.

Do I just value my independence more?

Breaking news! Person made different life decision than you. Story at 11

[Anonymous]

I’m very independent and my mom drives me absolutely crazy. (GAD) Even so, I really wish we had a multigenerational household. I think things would calm down between us. We’d find our rhythm in time.

If my partner and I were to board divorce, I would happily live with my family. If I could afford to, I would buy her home or buy a home that we could all start over in, so she was less burdened. (It’s not the house I grew up in so not attached)