Breadwinners moving back in with parents after divorce?

[Anonymous]

I’m not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.

I wasn’t even the breadwinner, but immediately I found a one bedroom and made it work, just to maintain my independence. I was already used to paying part of a mortgage, and my rent was equivalent to my contribution to our mortgage. It was just a no-brainer. I maintained my personal routine, private life, and independence, just in a smaller space. But it was my OWN space.

I have a friend who has moved back in to her parent’s tiny three-bedroom bungalow with her parents. She brought her two kids. I can’t imagine how cramped it must be. More importantly, I can’t imagine trying to raise my kids with my parents underfoot. No privacy. Etc.

I have another friend who moved back in years ago, makes a damn good living, and still hasn’t moved out on her own again.

Do I just value my independence more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.

I wasn’t even the breadwinner, but immediately I found a one bedroom and made it work, just to maintain my independence. I was already used to paying part of a mortgage, and my rent was equivalent to my contribution to our mortgage. It was just a no-brainer. I maintained my personal routine, private life, and independence, just in a smaller space. But it was my OWN space.

I have a friend who has moved back in to her parent’s tiny three-bedroom bungalow with her parents. She brought her two kids. I can’t imagine how cramped it must be. More importantly, I can’t imagine trying to raise my kids with my parents underfoot. No privacy. Etc.

I have another friend who moved back in years ago, makes a damn good living, and still hasn’t moved out on her own again.

Do I just value my independence more?

Yeah, you do.

Easy answer.

I'm not divorced, I'm happily married. But if I lived in the same town as my parents and found myself divorced, for sure I would be happy to move in with them. I get along great with them. My son adores them and would love the company. It would make the whole thing more bearable. I have an older neighbor I was chatting with who was telling me how here husband passed away 10 years ago, and then her daughter divorced and moved in with her and brought her 2 teenage sons, and my neighbor was telling me how they all loved the arrangement, it was supposed to be for 6 months but they had been there for three years and none of them wanted to end things. Not sure why it would be hard to understand why someone would want to move in with their parents; esp when so many women consider their mothers their best friends.

[Anonymous]

Maybe.
It also can be a period of struggle for many people, some who find comfort in being around loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe.
It also can be a period of struggle for many people, some who find comfort in being around loved ones.

This. My friend could easily have afforded a place on her own for her and the kids. But she really needed the comfort of her family after her awful divorce and she didn't want to be alone. Eventually she saved up enough by living with them to afford a bigger place for everyone to live together.

[Anonymous]

Different people are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.

I wasn’t even the breadwinner, but immediately I found a one bedroom and made it work, just to maintain my independence. I was already used to paying part of a mortgage, and my rent was equivalent to my contribution to our mortgage. It was just a no-brainer. I maintained my personal routine, private life, and independence, just in a smaller space. But it was my OWN space.

I have a friend who has moved back in to her parent’s tiny three-bedroom bungalow with her parents. She brought her two kids. I can’t imagine how cramped it must be. More importantly, I can’t imagine trying to raise my kids with my parents underfoot. No privacy. Etc.

I have another friend who moved back in years ago, makes a damn good living, and still hasn’t moved out on her own again.

Do I just value my independence more?

You are not trying to be judgmental, but "do I just value my independence more" is a pretty judgmental way "understand" why your way is better than their way. Maybe your friend wants to be with her parents. Maybe it wouldn't feel the way it would for you. Consider that if you actually want to understand why your friends are making these moves, asking them non-judgmentally, rather than making assumptions about how difficult it would be to be in a small space with your parents.

[Anonymous]

My Latino neighbors have many generations living together. I assume this is less expensive yet also provides a way to have the benefit of childcare and wisdom. If everyone gets along, this sounds great.

The above taught me that this idea of "independence" is culturally based. Maybe others can have independence even when living in a group.

[Anonymous]

I am assuming it is more for emotional support as well as having someone else to help with the kids.

I know married couples who live with one set of parents in a jointly owned home. It would not work for me but they do have so much more freedom and flexibility. No having to rush out of work to pick up kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming it is more for emotional support as well as having someone else to help with the kids.

I know married couples who live with one set of parents in a jointly owned home. It would not work for me but they do have so much more freedom and flexibility. No having to rush out of work to pick up kids.

This was my first thought. Especially if as a breadwinner they have an inflexible schedule, suddenly having to manage school pickups, extracurriculars, etc. on their own could be tricky. I’d much rather have grandparents involved than try to manage part time help, which is notoriously hard to find and flaky.

[Anonymous]

As parents age, it's easier to have everyone under one roof. You are blessed if your parents do not need extra supervision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.

I wasn’t even the breadwinner, but immediately I found a one bedroom and made it work, just to maintain my independence. I was already used to paying part of a mortgage, and my rent was equivalent to my contribution to our mortgage. It was just a no-brainer. I maintained my personal routine, private life, and independence, just in a smaller space. But it was my OWN space.

I have a friend who has moved back in to her parent’s tiny three-bedroom bungalow with her parents. She brought her two kids. I can’t imagine how cramped it must be. More importantly, I can’t imagine trying to raise my kids with my parents underfoot. No privacy. Etc.

I have another friend who moved back in years ago, makes a damn good living, and still hasn’t moved out on her own again.

Do I just value my independence more?

How were you able to make a one bedroom work with two children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be judgmental, just trying to understand.

I wasn’t even the breadwinner, but immediately I found a one bedroom and made it work, just to maintain my independence. I was already used to paying part of a mortgage, and my rent was equivalent to my contribution to our mortgage. It was just a no-brainer. I maintained my personal routine, private life, and independence, just in a smaller space. But it was my OWN space.

I have a friend who has moved back in to her parent’s tiny three-bedroom bungalow with her parents. She brought her two kids. I can’t imagine how cramped it must be. More importantly, I can’t imagine trying to raise my kids with my parents underfoot. No privacy. Etc.

I have another friend who moved back in years ago, makes a damn good living, and still hasn’t moved out on her own again.

Do I just value my independence more?

First there is dependence
Then there is independence
Then there is interdependence

Perhaps she moved on to interdependence or perhaps she slipped back into dependence. Difficult to tell from the outside looking in.

Some people never break out of dependence. Some make it to independence, but never make it to interdependence. Some make it to interdependence.

[Anonymous]

I would think it's for childcare logistics, or it's because they want to buy a place soon but need to finalize divorce and sell off their prior home before being able to do it.

My parents annoy me so I could never do it, but I don't care what other people do.

[Anonymous]

You are being judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Some parents are hugely helpful with kids and having more loving adults around kids who have gone through a traumatic experience (even the most amicable parental break-ups are traumatizing) the better. Sounds like your friend is doing the best thing possible for her kids, assuming her folks are loving.

And if she's the breadwinner... all the better - chances are she needs the help as she attempts to maintain her job, her sanity and optimize her parenting skills.

Yes, OP, you are judgmental and trying to give yourself a whooping congratulations for your version of adulting.