How to respond about the mean kid saying something mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my kids don't get mad, don't get sad. Don't let the bullies see that they got to DD.

She does need a couple one-liners in her back pocket. She needs to say something brief ( a few words at most) every single time. Don't take it silently and don't have an emotional outburst or cry. Just a calm response, not nasty but definitely pushing back.

Oh, and if this is volleyball then DD needs to leave. My DD wanted to go into volleyball but I said no because the culture so toxic and rife with mean girls, especially at our MS/HS. Plus there's very little chance of it turning into a college admit or scholarship, so it seemed like a ton of drama for no real upside.

Definitely sounds like volleyball!

[Anonymous]

Does the coach hear this? And is okay with this? Is it possible that this kid is being more of a leader on the team and your daughter is especially sensitive to criticism?

I don't agree with saying something mean back is the way to deal with a bully. I think staying calm and having her tell the bully any of the following could work.

"Are you doing the best you can? I am too."
"Geez, it's just a game."
"I'm allowed to make mistakes."

I don't know which would work with said bully, but I think sometimes just calmly responding with a truth is a quick way to shut them up.

At the same time, my kids play soccer and there are things that the kids say to each other on the field that could be construed as critical or mean, but it part of playing the game. It's okay to tell someone to move somewhere. Or pass the ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a mean girl on her sports team. She is always saying mean things, criticizing players, cutting people down. My DD regularly comes home crying about it. At some point I just feel like “Yes, we know Larla is mean and says mean things. That does not mean what she says about you is true, it just means she’s not a nice person.”

But my DD takes it so personally. Like if this girl tells her she’s not good at her position, or she needs to try harder, or that she is “a lot.”

Is there any way I can help my DD not give this girl so much power over her?

We have one of these and, to make it worse, the kid is related to the coach.

At first we tried to be "just ignore." But the kid really is not nice. Not a team player. And never takes accountability for their own failings but, instead, blames the other players. So, now we say it like it is:

Kid is an ahole (they are and at almost 18, at this point, that's fair game to say). But you have to either ignore her or push back (ours does a bit of both). Kid is not the coach so it doesn't really matter. And remember, this kid did X, Y, or Z wrong at the game last week so you can just ignore.

And FWIW, other than this kid's BFF, no one likes this kid. Other players OR parents.

[Anonymous]

You should tell her to try harder and help her up her game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are they?

Those don’t sound particularly mean to me. Perhaps not overly constructively critical but feedback in sports on things to improve on is normal and may be what this girl hears from her own parents / coach.

Does the coach give constructive feedback? Can you daughter take feedback from others?

We found the mean mom wuth the bossy daughter

[Anonymous]

Tell DD to give it back to her every time she makes a mistake. No one is perfect. Especially if DD isn’t involved in the play and the bully tries to blame someone else, DD should pipe up “that was your fault Larla.”

[Anonymous]

Tell your daughter to ignore. When the girl says something mean, have your daughter stare at her and then walk away. Teach your daughter that people are allowed to say whatever they want and she can not control that but she can control how she reacts. People tend to say mean things to get a reaction out of people so don’t give them a reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ Don’t you ever get tired of listening to yourself?”

“Do you ever shut up Brittany?”

“You again?”

All of these responses should be said quietly for her ears only.

These are the best comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for sharing, your highness. Then ignore.

Also good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a mean girl on her sports team. She is always saying mean things, criticizing players, cutting people down. My DD regularly comes home crying about it. At some point I just feel like “Yes, we know Larla is mean and says mean things. That does not mean what she says about you is true, it just means she’s not a nice person.”

But my DD takes it so personally. Like if this girl tells her she’s not good at her position, or she needs to try harder, or that she is “a lot.”

Is there any way I can help my DD not give this girl so much power over her?

Tell your kid to dish it back. Seriously, it will empower her. She doesn't have to say anything mean but something along the lines like:
"I'm surprised you feel comfortable saying that"
"That's an odd comment"
"That's a strange thing to say"
"Dang, didn't know you were such a hater"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a mean girl on her sports team. She is always saying mean things, criticizing players, cutting people down. My DD regularly comes home crying about it. At some point I just feel like “Yes, we know Larla is mean and says mean things. That does not mean what she says about you is true, it just means she’s not a nice person.”

But my DD takes it so personally. Like if this girl tells her she’s not good at her position, or she needs to try harder, or that she is “a lot.”

Is there any way I can help my DD not give this girl so much power over her?

Tell your kid to dish it back. Seriously, it will empower her. She doesn't have to say anything mean but something along the lines like:

"I'm surprised you feel comfortable saying that"
"That's an odd comment"
"That's a strange thing to say"
"Dang, didn't know you were such a hater"

With the exception of the last one those are things you’d say to your mother in law after a racist comment, not to a mean teenager

[Anonymous]

Two things: She can't take it personally. Sounds like the girl does this to a lot of the players. Even if the criticisms is directed at your DD, other players are getting similar criticism. At that point, it's not even about your DD--it's the other girl's issue. There is always at least one kid like this on every sports team.

Second: she has find a way of responding that fits her personality and ideally shuts down the comments (or at least minimizes them). Maybe she can ignore the first few and if it doesn't let up, respond with an exaggerated "Yeah, Ok, we KNOW!" or "Yep, thanks coach!" and shake her head or something. And then just continue playing.

[Anonymous]

Most of my kids inherited my dry,sarcastic humor, and they were capable of finding a way to flip it back to the bully with a subtext of, do it again and you will regret it for the rest of your life.

One of them is so sweet and kind that he just can’t summon that energy. I taught him to smile big and say things like, “Thanks! It’s cool that you’re so interested!”

They teach all of this social emotional learning but it only works when the other kids and parents buy in. There are always some nasty ones out there. I’d have a hard time with a coach allowing their authority to be undermined like that; teammates don’t coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are they?

Those don’t sound particularly mean to me. Perhaps not overly constructively critical but feedback in sports on things to improve on is normal and may be what this girl hears from her own parents / coach.

Does the coach give constructive feedback? Can you daughter take feedback from others?

Who is she to criticize? Your daughter doesn’t need to hear from her classmate who has her own weaknesses to work on telling her what to do. Tell her “ take care of yourself. I don’t need or want your criticism.”

lol. She’s going to sound like a dorky mom. Sports teams get really mean at this age. My daughter is naturally very kind and empathetic, but the spurts she plays does not attract nice girls, nor does it attract nice parents. I’ve told my daughter this comes with in it if she wants to play, this sport. I don’t wznt her to accept this treatment, but she has to put in a game face. Tell your daughter to keep a poker face (or rbf) and not be friendly to this girl. When she offers unsolicited feedback, your daughter either needs to act like she didn’t say anything or give it a few minutes and offer a similarly critical critique of her performance. Keep it business, don’t make it obviously mean, do the girl doesn’t have ammo to make mean girl behavior involving other teammates and your daughter. Just have your daughter make it very unattractive for this teammate to approach your daughter.

[Anonymous]

She should collect enough players on the team, go to the coach, and complain that this other girl is not a team player. It's got to be enough of them.

Or maybe just get 4 or 5 of them to yell, "shut-up, Mary!"