How to respond about the mean kid saying something mean

[Anonymous]

My DD has a mean girl on her sports team. She is always saying mean things, criticizing players, cutting people down. My DD regularly comes home crying about it. At some point I just feel like “Yes, we know Larla is mean and says mean things. That does not mean what she says about you is true, it just means she’s not a nice person.”

But my DD takes it so personally. Like if this girl tells her she’s not good at her position, or she needs to try harder, or that she is “a lot.”

Is there any way I can help my DD not give this girl so much power over her?

[Anonymous]

How old are they?

Those don’t sound particularly mean to me. Perhaps not overly constructively critical but feedback in sports on things to improve on is normal and may be what this girl hears from her own parents / coach.

Does the coach give constructive feedback? Can you daughter take feedback from others?

[Anonymous]

Agree with the person in an exaggerated manner. Or ignore. Or say, what did you say? Repeat. Have her practice / role play with you. She plays the bully, you play her and then flip it

[Anonymous]

Teens get pretty competitive in sports. They want to win. Is this a rec league or competitive league?

Comments about playing your position or putting in effort or focusing are pretty typical for teens in sports.

[Anonymous]

I had to teach some stinging replies to my 6th grade son when he was teased at the beginning of middle school. He then came up with zingers by himself and all the bullies left him alone.

My daughter is naturally acerbic when she wants to, and with her I had the opposite job: teach her that she can't just attack people for every perceived slight.

[Anonymous]

How old?

We ended up switching teams over something similar when my DS was 13. However, it was more directed at him and one other kid- and the “mean kid” was a ringleader who was also sucking other kids in to participate. So different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are they?

Those don’t sound particularly mean to me. Perhaps not overly constructively critical but feedback in sports on things to improve on is normal and may be what this girl hears from her own parents / coach.

Does the coach give constructive feedback? Can you daughter take feedback from others?

Who is she to criticize? Your daughter doesn’t need to hear from her classmate who has her own weaknesses to work on telling her what to do. Tell her “ take care of yourself. I don’t need or want your criticism.”

[Anonymous]

Your kid needs to dish it right back.

Seriously, teach your kid to say, “you’re disgusting” or “you’re the very worst” or “why don’t you shut up? Everyone hates you.”

I know that’s awful, but it will stop the bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs to dish it right back.

Seriously, teach your kid to say, “you’re disgusting” or “you’re the very worst” or “why don’t you shut up? Everyone hates you.”

I know that’s awful, but it will stop the bully.

If the bully is quicker and more socially adept, these retorts will backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are they?

Those don’t sound particularly mean to me. Perhaps not overly constructively critical but feedback in sports on things to improve on is normal and may be what this girl hears from her own parents / coach.

Does the coach give constructive feedback? Can you daughter take feedback from others?

Who is she to criticize? Your daughter doesn’t need to hear from her classmate who has her own weaknesses to work on telling her what to do. Tell her “ take care of yourself. I don’t need or want your criticism.”

It is a sports team not a classmate. And on a team, if one player isn't playing their position or isn't putting in effort or isn't focused on what they are doing and is fooling around - it messes up the game for everyone. I don't know how old they are or how competitiive this team is but it is 100% normal for teammates to tell each other to get it together or to stop fooling around or to play their position or to do x. The kid who is fooling around and not putting in effort is funny when they are 4 but not 14.

[Anonymous]

How old is your DD?

[Anonymous]

Coach shouldn’t allow this. It’s a negative environment. See if anything is being done. I’d pull my kid out if nothing is being done to address this. It’s just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

“ Don’t you ever get tired of listening to yourself?”

“Do you ever shut up Brittany?”

“You again?”

All of these responses should be said quietly for her ears only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs to dish it right back.

Seriously, teach your kid to say, “you’re disgusting” or “you’re the very worst” or “why don’t you shut up? Everyone hates you.”

I know that’s awful, but it will stop the bully.

Responding with, “you’re disgusting” to a team mate telling you to try harder is a huge over reaction and would make OP’s daughter look unhinged and psycho.

This is a team sport. This is part of a team sport: getting feedback and sometimes criticism from teammates. This can come of as negative, especially with teens. But expecting the coach to the only one that corrects or criticizes playing or offers feedback is unrealistic. Of course team mates are going to have comments for each other. I don’t think the girl has crossed into bully territory, she just sounds dominant and rude.

Your daughter needs to just ignore her. Perhaps pick up tennis or swimming or another individual sport.

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids don't get mad, don't get sad. Don't let the bullies see that they got to DD.

She does need a couple one-liners in her back pocket. She needs to say something brief ( a few words at most) every single time. Don't take it silently and don't have an emotional outburst or cry. Just a calm response, not nasty but definitely pushing back.

Oh, and if this is volleyball then DD needs to leave. My DD wanted to go into volleyball but I said no because the culture so toxic and rife with mean girls, especially at our MS/HS. Plus there's very little chance of it turning into a college admit or scholarship, so it seemed like a ton of drama for no real upside.