Helping DD face the loss of her sport

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy. You all will grieve. It is a major loss in your world.

+1 I was in a similar position with skating at a much younger age. It felt like a death. It felt like a loss of identity. I wish I’d had therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is a competitive figure skater. We previously lived in the DC area, she is now at a major training center elsewhere. She attends online school and trains all day. She has developed a medical issue that may not be fixable, at least to a degree that would allow her to continue to skate. Her whole world has been this sport, and now she is facing the loss of it. How do I help her deal with this? How do I avoid brining my own sadness into it?

A bunch of things came together at once to make my kid realize that he was ready to be done with his sport. He was at a loss for how to move forward because all of his friends and his identity were tied up in the sport, but it was SO much easier than he expected —- his athlete friends were still his friends, and he made a lot of other friends also. He found a LOT of other interests and took up a rec sport with friends for fun.

[Anonymous]

What is the medical issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is a competitive figure skater. We previously lived in the DC area, she is now at a major training center elsewhere. She attends online school and trains all day. She has developed a medical issue that may not be fixable, at least to a degree that would allow her to continue to skate. Her whole world has been this sport, and now she is facing the loss of it. How do I help her deal with this? How do I avoid brining my own sadness into it?

My daughter skates too (synchro) and first of all, I'm so sorry. You will all need time to grieve. Therapy seems to be a must in this situation for your athlete and for you. I am also a women's soccer fan so bear with me...my favorite soccer podcast is from Sam Mewis who was one of the best players in the U.S. until a career-ending knee injury took her off the field. She reflects on her injury a lot, with guests and in commentary, and my takeaway is that she's found some comfort and support from other players who have experienced career-ending injuries like her. I wonder if you might be able to find other young skaters who have successfully transitioned to a healthy, not-skating life for your daughter to connect with? Perhaps the sports psychologist at your training center can help you with those connections? I can only imagine that her whole social life is also at the rink.

As the parent, you aren't alone. So many parents make this transition when kids graduate high school, for instance, and our job as sports-parent comes to an abrupt end. Mine continued her sport in college but I still miss my local rink parent friends, I miss watching training, I miss it all.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your daughter. I also have a skater who broke her leg her senior year just after making sectionals; she was also at an online school and was not able to play her instrument and was so isolated and depressed.I had her talk with CAroline Silbey. She has become a judge and tech specialist for USFS and loves it! She is restarting her college team which is not as competitive as the NQS but is a great community for her. She is still competing the NQS series but has dropped her expectations and is just happy making sectionals. Good luck to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a tough transition for athletes under normal circumstances, like the end of a college career. It is absolutely heartbreaking for a situation like this and for a sport like figure skating or gymnastics that takes 100% commitment to the exclusion of everything else to be at an elite level. I agree that therapy is needed, and a lot of it.

This might sound silly, but there are a few athlete interviews on Armchair Expert, and they talk about this transition and how difficult it is (again, for elite professional athletes aging out of their successful careers and struggling with the loss of identity - so a situation like your daughter’s that is a traumatic and abrupt end to her identity really needs to be addressed with expert care)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the medical issue?

You don’t need to know.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine how tough that is for you and your DD. There is always a silver lining somewhere. Maybe she can try something new that she didn’t have time for before. Can she be a coach or instructor for younger kids? That would be a meaningful way to continue her skating in a different role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is a competitive figure skater. We previously lived in the DC area, she is now at a major training center elsewhere. She attends online school and trains all day. She has developed a medical issue that may not be fixable, at least to a degree that would allow her to continue to skate. Her whole world has been this sport, and now she is facing the loss of it. How do I help her deal with this? How do I avoid brining my own sadness into it?

Professional therapist or sports pscychologist to start.

How do you avoid bringing your own sadness into it? Why would you be sad? Here's a chance for your child to have normalcy in her life again. You should be happy.

[Anonymous]

I think I have an idea who your daughter is. There is another skater based in CO going through something similar; she probably knows who she is, maybe she can connect with her. There is another girl in the mid atlantic also going through it as well. Maybe they can start a support group.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation for a friend’s daughter who was an extremely talented gymnast. It was her life for years and my friend spent every day at the gym, and weekends at competitions. But as a teen, she suffered from health issues, anorexia, and ultimately stopped growing/very delayed puberty. Her parents made the ultimate decision to end her gymnastics career (despite the time and thousands $$ they spent). She switched to dance and cheer, and performed in high school on a large team.

Ultimately, my friend said her daughter was relieved once the pressure was off and she enjoyed a normal life, focused on school and excelled, went away to college (instead of plans to train), made a lot of new friends, pledged a sorority, etc. Now she works on Wall Street!

[Anonymous]

We are going through this now in a different team sport with a persistent injury that there just doesn't seem to be a fix for. If you did therapy, did you find a therapist with experience in sports, or will any therapist do? My kid is resilient and I think will come to terms with the loss and find other interests, but it's been the focus for the past 4 years for all of us and a big part of life for almost a decade before as well. Kid is going into junior year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a recruited athlete headed to college next year. He has an injury that could mean he’ll never actually play in college once he gets there. Luckily he likes the college for itself and not just for the sport.

We’ve encouraged another sport at the rec level, playing with friends, and that has helped him deal with the possibility of losing his sport with less desperation. We’ve also come to realize that it isn’t likely to be black and white. No one is going to tell him he’ll never play again. Instead it will be another round of PT, and a disappointing return to play, and then suggestion that if he really want to continue then surgery is an option, followed by a 9 month rehab…and suddenly he has been out for two years. At that point the decision may feel like a relief.

All of that to say I have no answers, but do get support for your daughter. She is going to grieve, as she’d grieve any loss. Support any spark of excitement about a new activity so she can build her interests and friendships outside of skating.

Both of my sons were recruited athletes, both in college and to their respective boarding schools. The best advice we got even before college was to make sure they liked the schools enough to be there without sports, because life is full of surprises both good and bad.

[Anonymous]

She can choose how much to stay involved, except she can’t choose the highest levels any more. That is OK…at least she didn’t lose that based on lack of talent like thousands of others. She can also coach/help others which is an entirely new and interesting universe of sport.

I have a lifetime sport (equestrian) but I have actually changed my goals quite a few times over the years. Mainly when I had kids I lost my nerve for the big jumps and switched my focus to dressage and lower level eventing, instead of show jumping. I also have changed my training program a lot depending on what else life has going on. I have been a pro and an amateur at different times too.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I would definitely get your daughter help from a therapist who has helped other people navigate this transition. I'd also keep in mind one of my favorite pieces of advice from Dr Lisa - never be happier or sadder about something that impacts your teen than your teen is. They are at an age when their emotions are heightened. Yours need to be less intense.