Helping DD face the loss of her sport

[Anonymous]

DD is a competitive figure skater. We previously lived in the DC area, she is now at a major training center elsewhere. She attends online school and trains all day. She has developed a medical issue that may not be fixable, at least to a degree that would allow her to continue to skate. Her whole world has been this sport, and now she is facing the loss of it. How do I help her deal with this? How do I avoid brining my own sadness into it?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. DD recently had to let go of her sport as well. She found a plan B, on her own, and realized she has a lot of other interests. She is at a public high school so there are many other activities, clubs, internships etc.

Now she sees that the girls in her sport really have nothing else and talk about nothing else. Kinda boring from her perspective.

There were a lot of tears over the loss. It is a grieving process. For us, the key is keeping busy.

DD has a friend who transitioned from skating to Cheer. That worked well. Another was an international level skater but really hasn’t found another serious activity.

[Anonymous]

I got some great advice from a college coach - everyone leaves their sport at some point. Some leave after 6th grade, some leave after being a pro for 20 years, but the vast majority leave between high school and college. The sooner a kid understand that everyone has a "next" the better off they will be when that day comes.

Take the time to mourn, but we should be preparing from day one that the sunset happens. It sucks when the day is given to us as opposed to being a choice, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

[Anonymous]

Try not to let her see your sadness. She shouldn’t feel responsible for that type of guilt. You have to close this chapter and be able to look back at all the good times and successes, but move on without bitterness.

You will cry, but do it privately.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it…but actually an injury ending a sport is easier to move on from then just falling behind better athletes and slowly, painfully ending because you don’t make the cut at some point.

It’s a very back and white decision and hopefully you can figure out other places to channel the competitive drive.

[Anonymous]

My kid had an injury that ended his sport. It was really hard and long. He was okay with the sports ending and took that better than DH and me, we kept our feelings to ourselves. Other issues came up that we never imagined and we had some really dark months where he had depression and got involved in things that were pretty bad. We all got counseling. Individual, family, some just for us. It was a long process and I don’t know if it helped. I think time helped the most. Looking back, I think he was filling the void with anything he could and lashing out in anyway possible.

It’s years later and he’s physically active again but not in an organized sport. He lifts weight and does cardio on his own. Most adults don’t continue with his former sport anyway.

He never went back to traditional school after his injury and we made sure after the sport stopped, if he didn’t want to go back to traditional school, he regularly was involved in things. He volunteered a lot and then got a job as soon as he was able to. That will be important for your daughter to have some structure. It will be isolating to stop the sport and stay in virtual school.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. You all will grieve. It is a major loss in your world.

[Anonymous]

My kid is a recruited athlete headed to college next year. He has an injury that could mean he’ll never actually play in college once he gets there. Luckily he likes the college for itself and not just for the sport.

We’ve encouraged another sport at the rec level, playing with friends, and that has helped him deal with the possibility of losing his sport with less desperation. We’ve also come to realize that it isn’t likely to be black and white. No one is going to tell him he’ll never play again. Instead it will be another round of PT, and a disappointing return to play, and then suggestion that if he really want to continue then surgery is an option, followed by a 9 month rehab…and suddenly he has been out for two years. At that point the decision may feel like a relief.

All of that to say I have no answers, but do get support for your daughter. She is going to grieve, as she’d grieve any loss. Support any spark of excitement about a new activity so she can build her interests and friendships outside of skating.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if injuries or getting cut is worse. I was cut from D3 soccer (not dedicated enough to put in enough time and effort in the off season) and husband was injured in D1.

Watching him go through that, I think the career ending injury is worse. It just seems so random. After getting cut, I found that I really was interested in other things and moved on really quickly. For me, it was freeing in a way and I’m sure the coaches could see my heart wasn’t in it any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy. You all will grieve. It is a major loss in your world.

This. And if she’s at a training facility, they should have someone there she should already be talking with who can then recommend a sports psychologist she can continue talking with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if injuries or getting cut is worse. I was cut from D3 soccer (not dedicated enough to put in enough time and effort in the off season) and husband was injured in D1.

Watching him go through that, I think the career ending injury is worse. It just seems so random. After getting cut, I found that I really was interested in other things and moved on really quickly. For me, it was freeing in a way and I’m sure the coaches could see my heart wasn’t in it any longer.

This is PP -

*to be fair to myself, I did have to work in the off season to help support myself.

[Anonymous]

I would frame this up as starting a new chapter. She might surprise you and want to be a regular kid at a traditional school.

[Anonymous]

Don’t put your eggs in one basket

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry, OP. I don't have specific advice other than to treat this as the serious loss that it is. Don't minimize her feelings or tell her the world is her oyster or she has to look on the bright side. Let her grieve and support her through those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is a competitive figure skater. We previously lived in the DC area, she is now at a major training center elsewhere. She attends online school and trains all day. She has developed a medical issue that may not be fixable, at least to a degree that would allow her to continue to skate. Her whole world has been this sport, and now she is facing the loss of it. How do I help her deal with this? How do I avoid brining my own sadness into it?

Lots of good advice so far.

For younger youth sports that have huge training time commitments like figure skating and gymnastics, the biggest issue can be the loss of structure that sport brought to their (and your) life. The kids start early and sometimes can’t even remember a time where they didn’t have a practice to go to or a competition to get ready for. It becomes more than an identify for the athlete, it becomes a key foundation of the life they are living.

Think about not just replacing the sport, but replacing that structure. See if you can find another foundation for them to build on. It doesn’t necessarily have to be as big a commitment, but try to find something that allows her to get up every day and realize that she has something to look forward to. Just going to school—especially online only—-probably won’t be enough.