Why are my parents distant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am giving a lot of space to my kids in college and beyond because DH and I have always been super involved, super protective, hyper-focussed, somewhat anxious hovering helicopter/snowplow parents. We have invested a lot in our kids to make them successful. And now that they are on a good path, we are making sure that we are removing the training wheels.

So, it may seem that we are distant but we have set them up for success and then given them space. Of course we have expectations from them too regarding their physical, mental, emotional, social, professional, personal, spiritual, financial health that is unspoken but very much understood.

We are letting them do as much adulting as they want and need.

WTF are your expectations? You have spiritual expectations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don’t really talk to us and are very involved in their own lives as we navigate adulthood. We don’t really have much in common. Is it normal for your parents to never call you? Nothing bad happened between us they just seem disinterested.

Are they typical American parents and would not pay for you after you are 18 or out of college?

We do not call our adult children very much but we have supported them in all ways. We have their college, grad school, car, wedding, down payment to first home etc covered. They know that they can stay at our house indefinitely without paying a dime for anything.

Of course, we do all of these things because we as parents have done the nurturing and put them first. Our children also have put in the work to have successful life and reach goals.

People may look at my adult kids and think that they have a very cushy life because parents have bankrolled a lot of their big costs, but the truth is that they are the kids who also have worked hard. If now we do not call them as often it is because we have the understanding that they will fill us in periodically. We do not want to cross the boundaries we feel that they would need as functioning adults.

So…you don’t call your kids if you don’t give them tons of $$&s and you don’t call them if you do give them tons of $$$s.

I don’t get your post.

[Anonymous]

It depends when and where you were born. If you were born in the 70s and not in the US—this is how they are. They’re just selfish and want their own life. Grandkids and large families are stressful for them, they had one kid….but really wanted to be child free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends when and where you were born. If you were born in the 70s and not in the US—this is how they are. They’re just selfish and want their own life. Grandkids and large families are stressful for them, they had one kid….but really wanted to be child free.

Yes, Americans are known for close-knit families who support each other. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Op, my parents don't call me much either. Nor do they visit or have wanted to help since I had kids. I can't make them want a relationship with me or my kids. I am also not the favorite child--they are very close to my sister and her children. I have accepted them for who they are.

I realized in having my own kids that parenting is a lifetime job. Just because my kids will be 20, 30, 40--they will always want a parent figure even if that support will change over the years. And I am looking forward to being there for my kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am giving a lot of space to my kids in college and beyond because DH and I have always been super involved, super protective, hyper-focussed, somewhat anxious hovering helicopter/snowplow parents. We have invested a lot in our kids to make them successful. And now that they are on a good path, we are making sure that we are removing the training wheels.

So, it may seem that we are distant but we have set them up for success and then given them space. Of course we have expectations from them too regarding their physical, mental, emotional, social, professional, personal, spiritual, financial health that is unspoken but very much understood.

We are letting them do as much adulting as they want and need.

WTF are your expectations? You have spiritual expectations?

My expectations from my kids are that they will take care of their physical and mental health, they will have a healthy routine at home to take care of their household, they will continue to learn domestic skills, they will keep in touch with family & friends, they will have hobbies and interests and keep expanding their friends circle, they will know how to be good hosts and reciprocate when others host them, they will have financial sense to save and invest their money, they will keep getting new certifications and skills so that they are progressing in their career, they will be dating good people with similar background, they will be giving back to the world and meditate daily so that they can remove negativity from their lives.

We have given them the foundation to do all of this through their childhood and now that they are on their own hopefully they are able to see the benefit of their upbringing. I don't want them to be depressed, sick, lonely, directionless, broke, estranged from family like many kids they encountered at college. It was an eye-opening experience for them.

[Anonymous]

My parents were very involved, they gave it all to parenting me and my younger sibling. When I was 17 I left for a year and came back when I was 18, and it was night and day - it’s like they cut me off or something, I suddenly had no curfew, I could spend days away from home without so much as a phone call, and o left the house when I was 19 and they’ve been very hands off ever since. I think they just got tired of such intense parenting plus they were going through their own personal and economic struggles. They somewhat resurfaced when I had a child of my own but then I moved away fairly soon. Then very little communication again and then bam! My mother died and I moved my father closer to me and it’s like I’ve never known him - he was a young man (as I perceived him as a teen) and suddenly he is an old man now, no in between.
This is all very weird.
Anyway I think some people just get tired of parenting and they pull away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am giving a lot of space to my kids in college and beyond because DH and I have always been super involved, super protective, hyper-focussed, somewhat anxious hovering helicopter/snowplow parents. We have invested a lot in our kids to make them successful. And now that they are on a good path, we are making sure that we are removing the training wheels.

So, it may seem that we are distant but we have set them up for success and then given them space. Of course we have expectations from them too regarding their physical, mental, emotional, social, professional, personal, spiritual, financial health that is unspoken but very much understood.

We are letting them do as much adulting as they want and need.

WTF are your expectations? You have spiritual expectations?

My expectations from my kids are that they will take care of their physical and mental health, they will have a healthy routine at home to take care of their household, they will continue to learn domestic skills, they will keep in touch with family & friends, they will have hobbies and interests and keep expanding their friends circle, they will know how to be good hosts and reciprocate when others host them, they will have financial sense to save and invest their money, they will keep getting new certifications and skills so that they are progressing in their career, they will be dating good people with similar background, they will be giving back to the world and meditate daily so that they can remove negativity from their lives.

We have given them the foundation to do all of this through their childhood and now that they are on their own hopefully they are able to see the benefit of their upbringing. I don't want them to be depressed, sick, lonely, directionless, broke, estranged from family like many kids they encountered at college. It was an eye-opening experience for them.

I can see having hopes and goals for my kids but "expectations" seems like some kind of demand that they turn out to be the kids you think you raised.

Just curious what you plan to say or do to them when they fail one or more of your "expectations".