Why are my parents distant

[Anonymous]

They don’t really talk to us and are very involved in their own lives as we navigate adulthood. We don’t really have much in common. Is it normal for your parents to never call you? Nothing bad happened between us they just seem disinterested.

[Anonymous]

They probably don't know how to connect with you as adults. Even though you're the kid, if you want a closer relationship you need to take initiative and find topics to talk about and activities to do together.

[Anonymous]

They are giving you space. If you want a tighter relationship, call them, make plans, let them know. My parents pull back because they had overbearing inlaws themself.

[Anonymous]

How often do you call them? Maybe you are an every week caller and they are more of an every other week caller - so they would call but you call sooner than they would.

[Anonymous]

Yeah my mom could give a ...i was always calling then she never called so i stopped now we haven't talked in years. She knew i was going through a hard time to could care less. Just try and move on.

[Anonymous]

Either they've something going on in their lives like marriage, money or health issues, or they are trying to preemptively respect boundaries and not offend adult children.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they’re afraid to step on your toes and waiting for you to reach out.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? This is quite normal for parents who had kids in the 70s where they often had one and they tagged along to adult events, rather than being the sole focus of the family who arrange kid events to entertain their children.

[Anonymous]

My college kid is 19 and I'm "giving him space", which means sometimes I don't text him goodnight But I text a few times a week, sometimes Facetime and occasionally visit. I have a standing Facetime with my parents every Sunday morning.

I'm sorry your parents seem distant. The first thing you can do is ask them directly to call more often and ask why they don't seem to want to contact you. The tone and content of their answer will be illuminating.

[Anonymous]

A lot of adult kids seem to complain about meddlesome parents, it makes parents question how to do it right.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, communicate your feelings so they know you still want them in your life. Not as much but you do.

[Anonymous]

I am giving a lot of space to my kids in college and beyond because DH and I have always been super involved, super protective, hyper-focussed, somewhat anxious hovering helicopter/snowplow parents. We have invested a lot in our kids to make them successful. And now that they are on a good path, we are making sure that we are removing the training wheels.

So, it may seem that we are distant but we have set them up for success and then given them space. Of course we have expectations from them too regarding their physical, mental, emotional, social, professional, personal, spiritual, financial health that is unspoken but very much understood.

We are letting them do as much adulting as they want and need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t really talk to us and are very involved in their own lives as we navigate adulthood. We don’t really have much in common. Is it normal for your parents to never call you? Nothing bad happened between us they just seem disinterested.

Are they typical American parents and would not pay for you after you are 18 or out of college?

We do not call our adult children very much but we have supported them in all ways. We have their college, grad school, car, wedding, down payment to first home etc covered. They know that they can stay at our house indefinitely without paying a dime for anything.

Of course, we do all of these things because we as parents have done the nurturing and put them first. Our children also have put in the work to have successful life and reach goals.

People may look at my adult kids and think that they have a very cushy life because parents have bankrolled a lot of their big costs, but the truth is that they are the kids who also have worked hard. If now we do not call them as often it is because we have the understanding that they will fill us in periodically. We do not want to cross the boundaries we feel that they would need as functioning adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, communicate your feelings so they know you still want them in your life. Not as much but you do.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, do you show the same interest in their lives? or is it all about you.

From now on, this pretty. much needs to be a peer relationship.