What do you wish you had received after parents death

[Anonymous]

I wanted to clear understanding of what they wanted. I don’t know how a friend would help with this other than if I was struggling with amounts to give to charity - to say yes, your mom would have wanted that.

My mom had a will, but left sticky notes on it with amounts to give to charities so it was a bit unclear. I didn’t have to do that but I did and figuring out the amounts was hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen. Don’t tell her she’s “holding up beautifully,” or is “brave.” Let her cry or rant if she needs it. Just be willing to walk along side and validate whatever real emotions she is experiencing.

Practically, you’ll have a better idea when she arrives what you can take off her shoulders. You sound like a lovely friend.

Totally agree with this. Let your friend grieve however she needs to grieve. She may be angry, sad, or even perfectly fine. Go with it. And when her mood changes, be OK with that, too.

This is not about you. It's about her and her grief. Take care of yourself -- exit stage left if you need to -- but be basically a blank, unjudgmental slate when you're with her. She will contradict herself many times, and you need to let that slide off your back.

You have no real idea what she's losing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer to help do things. Or better yet, just do them if you can see what needs to be done.

+1, company and an extra pair of hands

[Anonymous]

I would make yourself available for errands in the hometown while she is there and after she leaves, and to fill out forms. There's a lot of paperwork involved, a lot of boring phone calls to cancel this and that, all kinds of little tasks that consume time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Someone that knew my dad, that I didn’t know, wrote a letter all about my dad and his beautiful smile and sense of humor. I treasure it. Food and gift cards. And also grief has no expiration date so she will need after the dust settling and everyone else moves on with life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone that knew my dad, that I didn’t know, wrote a letter all about my dad and his beautiful smile and sense of humor. I treasure it. Food and gift cards. And also grief has no expiration date so she will need after the dust settling and everyone else moves on with life.

This. I will forever cherish the friends who sent cards, some food, made a donation. The ones who couldn’t be bothered to do anything but send a text? They are all being moved to the back burner as friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is the right forum but my best friends parent just passed very suddenly and I’m seeking advice.

She is on her way into town. Of course I will physically accompany her, but what are some material things you wish you had or found comfort in immediately after parents passing? I would like to bring things too. Will prepare food. Thank you.

My mother passed a couple of months ago. "Material things" other than food would not have helped...I actually had to start a process of getting rid of a lot of things so adding to it is working backwards. Things that did help:

* Food so I didn't have to figure out what I would eat
* Sharing a glass of wine or some alcohol with my friend and just talking...happy conversations and sad
* Not saying "let me know if you need help with anything." This is an empty gesture. Figure out something that could be done whether it's getting quotes from junk removal, contacting a church/pastor about funeral planning, providing a list of things that need to be done and handling the tasks (forwarding mail, putting together a schedule for when bills are due, arranging to get grass cut, etc.)
* The biggest thing though was just being present. I had a friend that would just stop by to check on me. I normally hate people popping by unannounced, but it was always perfectly timed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A family friend told me people would converge right after my mom's death and be there through the funeral and then never talk to me about it again. She was right, and she also never talked to me again. I wish people had kept reaching out.

My mom and I didn't have the best relationship but there were some things I only talked with her about and since she died I've had nobody to talk about Simone Biles with, or the new flower place I found around the corner from work, or .... and on and on.

Fwiw, I’ve simply kept talking to my dead mom. It’s obviously one-sided, but I think she’s listening…from heaven. It helps.

[Anonymous]

Maybe agree on a signal she can give you if she wants you to run interference with any inquisitive friends, neighbors, etc.

For some reason, with an unexpected death (as you indicated it was), some people want details, and don’t realize having to tell “the story” over and over can be traumatic to some. It’s like you have to help them process their shock and grief, while reliving your own, over and over.

The people who I remember most fondly after my parent’s unexpected death expressed their condolences, said I could reach out anytime, and then left it at that. The ones who asked what activity my parent was doing before they collapsed, what medications they’d been on, and whether there’d been an attempt to revive them — well, I wish I’d designated a good friend to redirect them to the refreshments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A memory that you have of your friends parents is the most precious thing you can give.

This. When my parent died I wasn’t totally grief stricken because he’d been sick for a long time so it was expected and I’d don’t most of my grieving.

[Anonymous]

Just be there. And give them a quiet place to grieve away from everyone, if possible, without you, without anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is the right forum but my best friends parent just passed very suddenly and I’m seeking advice.

She is on her way into town. Of course I will physically accompany her, but what are some material things you wish you had or found comfort in immediately after parents passing? I would like to bring things too. Will prepare food. Thank you.

If you knew your friend's parent, send your friend some happy memories you have of the parent. After my mom passed away, I got some emails from her friends telling me things I didn't know about her, and I really appreciated that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A family friend told me people would converge right after my mom's death and be there through the funeral and then never talk to me about it again. She was right, and she also never talked to me again. I wish people had kept reaching out.

My mom and I didn't have the best relationship but there were some things I only talked with her about and since she died I've had nobody to talk about Simone Biles with, or the new flower place I found around the corner from work, or .... and on and on.

This

[Anonymous]

Nothing substantial. I was promised the photos of our lives together in CT in the 80s but my sister (who wasn't born yet) has kept them. I have the mental images and memories of that time, at least.

[Anonymous]

If you have photos of her mom, especially old ones, bring them and give them to her. These will be treasured. She may chose to display them at the funeral.