Is marriage counseling worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did years of marriage therapy with multiple therapists. It did zero good - H would say the right words in therapy, then revert right back to his ways at home.

The only thing that worked was “if you treat me like that, I’m leaving” and then sticking to it. I saw an attorney, started packing my stuff up, etc.

Honestly I think with men, you have to put the fear of god in them.

This does not sound like a healthy or happy relationship at all. I'm sorry your therapists were not good. An experienced couples therapist would not have been manipulated that way.

[Anonymous]

Many good comments above. Both people have to want to be married, at least on some level, for counseling to work — even if you feel quite disconnected at this moment. I felt it was important to see a male therapist to reach my DH and this really helped. Otherwise I knew he would feel ganged up on. I remember the moment when the counselor was able to get us both to articulate that we still loved one another even though we had grown apart through child-rearing and other issues. It was such a turning point for me because I felt so alone and unloved at that point. As a trained therapist myself, I knew about Gottman’s principles and could see what was happening to us, but it took a skillful 3rd party to help us reconnect, begin communicating better, and also break us out of bad patterns. It was expensive and time-consuming to make our appointments — and we even had to take a toddler with us — but I credit the experience for saving our marriage and helping me to understand that my husband still loved and cared about me even if he was no longer showing it. And much of this was related to how I was relating to him. Best wishes. If you have kids, it is always worth trying for a better, more loving partnership!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many good comments above. Both people have to want to be married, at least on some level, for counseling to work — even if you feel quite disconnected at this moment. I felt it was important to see a male therapist to reach my DH and this really helped. Otherwise I knew he would feel ganged up on. I remember the moment when the counselor was able to get us both to articulate that we still loved one another even though we had grown apart through child-rearing and other issues. It was such a turning point for me because I felt so alone and unloved at that point. As a trained therapist myself, I knew about Gottman’s principles and could see what was happening to us, but it took a skillful 3rd party to help us reconnect, begin communicating better, and also break us out of bad patterns. It was expensive and time-consuming to make our appointments — and we even had to take a toddler with us — but I credit the experience for saving our marriage and helping me to understand that my husband still loved and cared about me even if he was no longer showing it. And much of this was related to how I was relating to him. Best wishes. If you have kids, it is always worth trying for a better, more loving partnership!

+100 very helpful post

Sometimes no matter how obvious the problem a third person needs to say it for whatever reason.