Is marriage counseling worth it?

[Anonymous]

Dh and I are having some serious problems with communication and how he treat me and dc. He’s not abusive, but he’s curt and rude and avoidant. I am so sick of it, I am ready to leave. Considering marriage counseling but I know so many people who say it’s worthless or even harmful in some cases? Has anyone here had experience with marriage counseling? I’m afraid to waste my time or make things worse.

[Anonymous]

You really want to end your marriage before trying to save it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really want to end your marriage before trying to save it?

The concern is that there are crappy marriage counselors who can do more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I are having some serious problems with communication and how he treat me and dc. He’s not abusive, but he’s curt and rude and avoidant. I am so sick of it, I am ready to leave. Considering marriage counseling but I know so many people who say it’s worthless or even harmful in some cases? Has anyone here had experience with marriage counseling? I’m afraid to waste my time or make things worse.

Its cheaper and less likely to lead to a divorce than a divorce lawyer so better try it before calling 1-800-Shark.

[Anonymous]

If there’s anything worth saving it’s worth a shot. Don’t you want to say you tried hard?

[Anonymous]

If a child is involved and there is no threat to your lives, you have an obligation to try therapy before calling it quits.

[Anonymous]

Counseling is worth it if both parties are willing to listen and do the work. Start with the Gottman Institute’s book, the Seven Principles to Making marriage work. See if DH will read it/engage in conversation. if so, then use the Gottman website to find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a child is involved and there is no threat to your lives, you have an obligation to try therapy before calling it quits.

NP. I tried to convince XH of this, but he said his decision was final and would not discuss it. I begged, because he had never previously suggested he was unhappy. He wouldn’t budge. If the other spouse flat out refuses to engage, I think you can check the “I tried” box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a child is involved and there is no threat to your lives, you have an obligation to try therapy before calling it quits.

NP. I tried to convince XH of this, but he said his decision was final and would not discuss it. I begged, because he had never previously suggested he was unhappy. He wouldn’t budge. If the other spouse flat out refuses to engage, I think you can check the “I tried” box.

It takes both people working in good faith. If one isn't willing, it can't be salvaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I are having some serious problems with communication and how he treat me and dc. He’s not abusive, but he’s curt and rude and avoidant. I am so sick of it, I am ready to leave. Considering marriage counseling but I know so many people who say it’s worthless or even harmful in some cases? Has anyone here had experience with marriage counseling? I’m afraid to waste my time or make things worse.

Reading your post makes me think marriage counseling is a waste of time for you. It requires both parties to have an open and honest dialog. If you go into it holding the gun against his head it’s a waste of money and time

[Anonymous]

Our marriage counselor was brilliant and a main reason we stayed together another 7+ years before splitting. I still use the things he taught me to have a better relationship (though not with my ex).

[Anonymous]

Look up marriage helpers, it brings you back to fundamentals and helps you repair the broken code lines. Counseling was just jousting in front of a lady in an outfit from Chico’s.

[Anonymous]

I'm a marriage counselor and if he's willing to go and work on things, I think it can help. I'm Gottman-trained, so I'm partial to that approach but a lot of people like EFT as well.

Use Psychology Today to find people and then you can set up a free 15-min phone consultation with a few to see if you like their approach. Make sure to ask them about their training. You want a therapist who has done specific couples training. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I did years of marriage therapy with multiple therapists. It did zero good - H would say the right words in therapy, then revert right back to his ways at home.

The only thing that worked was “if you treat me like that, I’m leaving” and then sticking to it. I saw an attorney, started packing my stuff up, etc.

Honestly I think with men, you have to put the fear of god in them.

[Anonymous]

Most therapy programs do not teach you how to treat couples, and many "couples therapists" are not good. If you see someone who is trained in an evidence-based modality, which almost always means paying out of pocket, it can be really helpful. I recommend EFT, which has ~75% success rate.