Friend's child was murdered by a family member: how should I interact with friend?
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Anonymous
| OP here. The person I met in the dating app is real and the loss of the child is real. I asked for advice about people who lost children in a variety of ways because I thought doing that might increase the range or useful advice I'd be given. I met the person on a dating app but have not advanced past the early stages of dating. We are not a couple. |
Anonymous
| Get off the dating apps |
Anonymous
| Don’t date someone in an active grief period. This is nuts and it sounds like you barely know them. |
Anonymous
| I would guess that the "active grief period" lasts forever. So i guess people who lose their children should never be able to start a new relationship? |
Anonymous
Seriously. Steer clear. |
Anonymous
So this is a person you are casually not dating? Your relationship seems strange. Are you acquaintances? I would say that you are sorry for the loss, same way if a friend lost a parent or dog died. I’m not sure it is your place to do or say anything. One of my child’s closest friends died in a traffic accident. We were close family friends. Even then it is hard to know what they want and need. Nothing you say or do will make a dent in their sorrow. |
Anonymous
When did this happen, OP? If this is a very recent loss, this person should not be on the dating apps at all. If this is something that happened many years ago, asking gentle questions about their experience, including if they want to talk about it, would give you a sense of how it's affecting them. I have friends who have lost children and it's a really different conversation when someone loses a child to pediatric cancer vs. heroin vs. murder. It also matters pretty significantly whether this was last month or 10 years ago - not in terms of the significance of the loss, but in terms of the grief process. Either way, one thing I know about grief and death is that thinking about "a normal life" after something earth-shattering happens to you is probably inaccurate. Things normalize, but they include grief. It's never not going to be part of this person's experience. It might not be overwhelming all day every day forever, but it will always be around. |
Anonymous
Because it’s a totally different situation. NP |
Anonymous
+1 Op, have you met this person irl? |
Anonymous
|
I had a good friend whose only sibling, his brother, was murdered by a random stranger. (The only person I've known like this). They had a trial, the murderer went to prison. The trial in itself was super difficult.
This event destroyed their family and colored everything in their lives. The parents broke up. I've heard that this often happens. Family is driven apart, not closer. The father got into a new relationship. The mother became a part of Parents of Murdered Chikdren and that was her life focus until she died. I don't think many other people can even relate to what they experience. My friend was traumatized and was able to have a long-term relationship but it was not easy. His relationships with his parents suffered too. My point is that this is a very huge, rare trauma and it may not be a good thing to get involved in. I think they never really move on. |
Anonymous
| Troll |
Anonymous
| Honestly if I met someone new on a dating app and they told me that they have been very depressed regardless of the reason I would not continue the relationship. I know that might make me an ass. But it takes a lot emotionally to support someone through that and I’m not willing to commit to that emotional level for someone I just met. |
Anonymous
Because dating apps are full of dishonest people and strange situations. |
Anonymous
|
I wouldn’t mind about the grieving.
I would not want a murderer in my extended family and would not want that anywhere near myself or my own family. |
Anonymous
You have a point. My exH served in the army as a sniper. He was ruthless during divorce |