Anyone feel like they just can’t win with men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you point this out to him?

I have a similar husband problem: all he wants to hear is agreement with his views. He denies this, of course. He has a high IQ and is often right... and I think this has played into his inflated sense of self. He just cannot accept when he's objectively wrong. And when it's merely a question of opinion, he still wants to somehow "win".

He's gotten worse with age and frankly it makes him unlikeable these days.

He’s said “yea you’re right, I’m trying to get better about it” when I’ve pointed it out.

I’m just sort of bitter about the whole thing because for so long he made it seem like he settled for me because I couldn’t have these discussions, and I genuinely thought he was so much smarter than me. Now that I’ve had the time to learn these things, I see he’s actually not that smart. Anyone can learn these things and repeat them back in a conversation.

Which doesn’t make me love him any less. I still love him and think he’s incredible. I’m just bitter because I thought learning these things would make him hold me in higher esteem, and instead it just makes him mad.

He. is a man. Society has bred him for decades to believe he is smarter than any woman, that women should be deferential to him and that he should make all decisions and no one should challenge his authority.

You, however, were bred to think you are lesser. You believed so when your husband told you so.

Now you have figured out that you are not lesser. But, your DH has not figured out that you are not lesser, because it would mean that he is not more.

Welcome to the patriarchy.

You can spend time "educating" DH to get him to see you as an equally competent person, but TBH IME very few men are willing to see their own privilege and the faulty foundation that has built it. If you choose this path, you will spend a lot of time and energy on him which can better be spent on yourself.

So, the other option is to just engage superficially on these subjects and let him pontificate and be superior. Invest your time and attention on yourself and things that are of genuine interest and value to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you point this out to him?

I have a similar husband problem: all he wants to hear is agreement with his views. He denies this, of course. He has a high IQ and is often right... and I think this has played into his inflated sense of self. He just cannot accept when he's objectively wrong. And when it's merely a question of opinion, he still wants to somehow "win".

He's gotten worse with age and frankly it makes him unlikeable these days.

Me again. The ironic thing is that the things we argue most about are on topics where I'm the expert, not him. I don't fight him on his areas of expertise, I defer to his superior knowledge. But mine? He will still try to win. I'm offended!

He doesn't respect you.

Oh, that much is made very clear to me! I am going to leave him. I’d rather live alone than be continually disrespected like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you point this out to him?

I have a similar husband problem: all he wants to hear is agreement with his views. He denies this, of course. He has a high IQ and is often right... and I think this has played into his inflated sense of self. He just cannot accept when he's objectively wrong. And when it's merely a question of opinion, he still wants to somehow "win".

He's gotten worse with age and frankly it makes him unlikeable these days.

He’s said “yea you’re right, I’m trying to get better about it” when I’ve pointed it out.

I’m just sort of bitter about the whole thing because for so long he made it seem like he settled for me because I couldn’t have these discussions, and I genuinely thought he was so much smarter than me. Now that I’ve had the time to learn these things, I see he’s actually not that smart. Anyone can learn these things and repeat them back in a conversation.

Which doesn’t make me love him any less. I still love him and think he’s incredible. I’m just bitter because I thought learning these things would make him hold me in higher esteem, and instead it just makes him mad.

Um.. what is truly incredible is that you still love and look up to your DH after being disrespected for years!!

[Anonymous]

Over the last 8 or 9 years I think we have all become so bludgeoned by the Trump MAGA crowd on the far right and the flaming liberals on the far left that arguing over nothing has become part of everyday life. When all you are exposed to is lies and anger it’s easy for it to seep into everyday behavior. Fifty years ago there was no way for an individual to be bombarded every day with the anger we now see a hundred times a day on all of our various screens. When you get pummeled over and over again with that anger it’s easy for it to seep into each of us. The attitude “If I don’t win, I’m a loser” is slowly infecting so many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H kept complaining that I couldn’t talk about the things he’s interested in (art, literature, cinema) because I’m so busy with kids and work I don’t have the time to spend learning about these things for hours.

I ended up teaching myself these things so we could talk about them, and actually became pretty knowledgeable about them. But now he’s mad because often my opinions differ from his. We went out to dinner for date night tonight, and when my opinion on a movie differed from his, he got mad.

I feel like I can’t win. Either I’m too stupid and he resents me, or I’m too smart and he resents me.[/quote]
or he is an ahole.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is comparing you to someone else in his head or in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H kept complaining that I couldn’t talk about the things he’s interested in (art, literature, cinema) because I’m so busy with kids and work I don’t have the time to spend learning about these things for hours.

I ended up teaching myself these things so we could talk about them, and actually became pretty knowledgeable about them. But now he’s mad because often my opinions differ from his. We went out to dinner for date night tonight, and when my opinion on a movie differed from his, he got mad.

I feel like I can’t win. Either I’m too stupid and he resents me, or I’m too smart and he resents me.

You are crazy. It is not a competition where you have to win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is comparing you to someone else in his head or in real life.

Ha! in my case, DH is comparing me to his mother, whose only response to anything he says is fawning admiration.

[Anonymous]

Were you trying to argue that apocalypse now is terrible?

[Anonymous]

Yes. I'm not married but it seems impossible to find a man that is kind , respectful, takes initiative that doesn't expect me to be his mommy.

It's either kind but too much of a man child.
Or capable of being an adult but misogynistic.

And that's before I figure in attraction.

Strongly considering forgetting the dating scene and maybe just focusing on SMBC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H kept complaining that I couldn’t talk about the things he’s interested in (art, literature, cinema) because I’m so busy with kids and work I don’t have the time to spend learning about these things for hours.

I ended up teaching myself these things so we could talk about them, and actually became pretty knowledgeable about them. But now he’s mad because often my opinions differ from his. We went out to dinner for date night tonight, and when my opinion on a movie differed from his, he got mad.

I feel like I can’t win. Either I’m too stupid and he resents me, or I’m too smart and he resents me.

Hey boo, call me.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of an interview Mindy Kaling once gave where she admitted she had never seen the move The Artist.

For those unaware, it was a 2011 french "comedy" silent movie nominated for best picture.

She even said she purchased the ticket...was on her way into the theatre...and then she kept walking and saw Grown Ups for the second time.

Not sure why this post triggered this...other than what I gather someone has to do to get educated on cinema. That, and probably watch a bunch of Fellnni movies and claim to love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you point this out to him?

I have a similar husband problem: all he wants to hear is agreement with his views. He denies this, of course. He has a high IQ and is often right... and I think this has played into his inflated sense of self. He just cannot accept when he's objectively wrong. And when it's merely a question of opinion, he still wants to somehow "win".

Well yeah I don't want to come home from work and have a giant battle, I want to have a pleasant and agreeable time.

"Pleasant and agreeable" is 90% of what men want in a wife and women often refuse to do it.