How to say no to recommendation letter request?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That's kind of you to ask, but we're truly not in a position at the school to write influential letters. From what I've been told, having her teacher write one is best, and then maybe a coach or a tutor since they are people who know her learning style best."

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admissions may ask who they know already at the school and they will name you, for better or worse.

Nobody in admissions has ever asked us this question over the years and we've had 15+ interviews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter attends a school that’s popular on this board. She moved from public two years ago. Yesterday the mom of a child that used to be in the same class with my daughter emailed me asking if I would write a recommendation letter for her daughter, who is applying to our school. Our kids were friendly, but not close friends, and actually the mom and dad rubbed me the wrong way on a few occasions. I also don’t really know their child, and it’s been over two years since we last spoke. Obviously I don’t feel comfortable writing a letter for their family, but how can I say that without there being hurt feelings?

This happened to us once, and it was truly obnoxious. It’s a grossly inappropriate request and it’s very hard to decline without coming across as a massive jerk. There is no chance this kind of letter would actually help them, I don’t think, unless you are a truly massive donor or a pretty important person, and had we been in that sort of position we would have had to say no, hurt feelings or not. We certainly would not use any real influence we had in this way. As it was, we sent a pretty vague and generalized email, because it’s all we could do, we didn’t know the people all that well anyway. Something like “we know that you get so many applications and want to make sure this one doesn’t fall through the cracks, they are a great family and their child Larlx would be a great addition to any school.” I’m sure it didn’t help at all, was likely ignored, and if it got any attention whatsoever it was a negative rather than a positive. But they made us do it so I didn’t care at that point. I suspect the admissions people know how this goes and hope they didn’t hold it against US, I assume not but one never knows.

[Anonymous]

They made you do it? How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That's kind of you to ask, but we're truly not in a position at the school to write influential letters. From what I've been told, having her teacher write one is best, and then maybe a coach or a tutor since they are people who know her learning style best."

I don’t know, having been on the other side, keep in mind that they must be pretty stressed to ask and also unfamiliar with how this “system” works, so don’t hold it against them either. I do think this is the best response. I’d add to your response how you are rooting for them and if they have specific questions about your experience at the school, you’d be happy to give your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That's kind of you to ask, but we're truly not in a position at the school to write influential letters. From what I've been told, having her teacher write one is best, and then maybe a coach or a tutor since they are people who know her learning style best."

I also second this response.

To the posters who are talking about gatekeeping and recommending to just write the letter - if these parents have rubbed OP the wrong way, their kid gets in, the parents are a PITA at school/with admin, this will reflect badly on OP. Don't recommend people who rub you the wrong way.

I'd write a letter of recommendation to parents I didn't know very well personally but understood them to be nice people/family before I'd write a letter for people who I know to be difficult. I wouldn't gatekeep a seemingly nice family who I may have said "hi", "bye" and "how was your summer?" at a previous school just because we weren't BFF's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That's kind of you to ask, but we're truly not in a position at the school to write influential letters. From what I've been told, having her teacher write one is best, and then maybe a coach or a tutor since they are people who know her learning style best."

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That's kind of you to ask, but we're truly not in a position at the school to write influential letters. From what I've been told, having her teacher write one is best, and then maybe a coach or a tutor since they are people who know her learning style best."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That's kind of you to ask, but we're truly not in a position at the school to write influential letters. From what I've been told, having her teacher write one is best, and then maybe a coach or a tutor since they are people who know her learning style best."

+1

[Anonymous]

The “kind of you to ask” is too much. And it’s not kind. It’s annoying.

Maybe for the opener, something like:
“Hi! It’s good to hear from you and I hope all is well!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"That's kind of you to ask, but we're truly not in a position at the school to write influential letters. From what I've been told, having her teacher write one is best, and then maybe a coach or a tutor since they are people who know her learning style best."

+1

I think the other response was better- the one saying they are already writing a letter for someone else. This sort of seems like you are blowing them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"That's kind of you to ask, but we're truly not in a position at the school to write influential letters. From what I've been told, having her teacher write one is best, and then maybe a coach or a tutor since they are people who know her learning style best."

+1

I think the other response was better- the one saying they are already writing a letter for someone else. This sort of seems like you are blowing them off.

I think saying you are already writing one sounds more like you are blowing them off - in fact - you are telling them someone else is above them in your pecking order.

Meanwhile, as a person who has been in private schools for years - I think this reply is more on target. Very few parents picked randomly would have any influence on an admissions decision at a highly competitive school. Maybe at a smaller school where you have been part of the community a long time AND happen to be close with current admissions committee. It's laughable that someone would ask me for a letter of recommendation at either of our highly competitive schools. Board member , yes. Huge donor, maybe. Typical family going to the school. No.

[Anonymous]

"Hey! So great to hear from you! I am so glad Larla is interested in <insert school name here>.
When <insert School name here> sends me forms for recommendations, they ask some pretty specific questions about class participation, extracurricular activities, and I suspect there could be someone in their life who knows them better and could write a stronger endorsement."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hey! So great to hear from you! I am so glad Larla is interested in <insert school name here>.
When <insert School name here> sends me forms for recommendations, they ask some pretty specific questions about class participation, extracurricular activities, and I suspect there could be someone in their life who knows them better and could write a stronger endorsement."

This is ridiculous - the person is not asking for the form filled out by teachers - they are asking for a personal letter.

Just say you sadly don't have that sort of "pull" with the admissions office and wish them luck. Maybe offer to have a phone call to answer any questions they might have about your family's experience with the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admissions may ask who they know already at the school and they will name you, for better or worse.

Well, they can't lie. They do know them.