Young Adult kid to begin gender transition

[Anonymous]

Dr Shapiro has Monday zooms and autism and gender dysphoria. Get on his email distribution list and try one. He is local too, silver spring MD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say you have taken time to learn more so I assume you have read Time to Think by Hannah Barnes. I am not in your situation but I read it to understand. And, the main takeaway was therapy. So, I think you are on the right track to do everything you can to encourage that.

Isn't that a book about children. Tavistock was a clinic for children. This is about an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Apparently a majority of gender-transitioning people are on the autism spectrum. Is it that they've always suffered from being misunderstood and not fitting in, and they feel they need to make this change because the people who accept trans are known to be very tolerant, and that therefore their autism will be accepted as well?

Valid questions. Autism creates a general confusion about life and social interactions so they may peg it as gender dysphoria.

Regardless, OP’s child is now an adult so old let them drive their college, career and gender or orientation issues themselves. Be supportive. The big goal is usually a healthy, positive and productive member of society. No obsessions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Apparently a majority of gender-transitioning people are on the autism spectrum. Is it that they've always suffered from being misunderstood and not fitting in, and they feel they need to make this change because the people who accept trans are known to be very tolerant, and that therefore their autism will be accepted as well?

Or is it that feeling like your body and how you are perceived doesn't match with who you believe yourself to be leads to sensory issues, social challenges, and withdrawal from interaction, leading to an autism diagnosis?

No, autism is there always; it’s executive functioning issues, communication issues, mindblindness, lack of theory of mind, social quietness/awkwardness, etc.

Autism is not gender dysphoria nor vice versa.

Dr Dan Shapiro in silver spring has a support group for this and some occasional zoom lectures.

[Anonymous]

So far there is no known causation between autism and gender dysphoria, but personally, I believe there is one that will eventually be discovered because the overlap is disproportionately high. I believe there is a study currently being done at one of the DC hospitals?

There have been a few other odd connections, like ehlers-danlos and hypermobility.

https://ehlersdanlosnews.com/news/high-rate-transgender-gender-diverse-identities-eds-clinic/

My kid is both on the spectrum and hypermobile (but no signs of painful ehlers-danlos....just extremely flexible).

Personally, I do not like the intimation that people who are on the spectrum are being trans as a "special interest." I think it is paternalistic and kind of insulting--and another way to just invalidate someone's feelings about themselves.

[Anonymous]

I thought the clinics that perform this type of therapy require therapy (and even a period of dressing as the preferred gender?), before they will take the permanent step of removing external sex organs?

[Anonymous]

My child let us know about this at 19 (12 years ago). We were completely surprised. She went back and forth for several years and finally decided to transition. My husband and I left it alone because we did not understand it and I didn't support it but we didn't want to be cruel because we love her so we left it up to her to decide and figure out. I didn't go the route of going to PGLAF meetings or anything. I did talk about it with a therapist but she was not that helpful because I don't think people understand the sadness, grief and loss one feels; I just lived with that. When I finally went to PFLAG I couldn't really relate because it was as if no one had problems with it and maybe none of them had. Good for them but for me it was not easy. There is and should be nuance to the discussion; the parents are usually depicted as completely rejecting or completely accepting. For instance, their dead name is a name you chose for them and you didn't choose it to make their life miserable. It was sad for me when she gave it up.

Anyway, it was a journey for me but I saw how much happier she is as a woman and how much she blossomed. I helped her change her birth records, SSN, license and name. I am 100% okay with it though I worry about politics and the future for trans people. But my point is that even if you don't think you can, you can be okay with it even if it's hard at first. There comes a day where you realize they're the same person with the same personality. Some days I wish this wasn't my life but I love my daughter and my husband and I get along well with her.

One parent's story; they will all be unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child let us know about this at 19 (12 years ago). We were completely surprised. She went back and forth for several years and finally decided to transition. My husband and I left it alone because we did not understand it and I didn't support it but we didn't want to be cruel because we love her so we left it up to her to decide and figure out. I didn't go the route of going to PGLAF meetings or anything. I did talk about it with a therapist but she was not that helpful because I don't think people understand the sadness, grief and loss one feels; I just lived with that. When I finally went to PFLAG I couldn't really relate because it was as if no one had problems with it and maybe none of them had. Good for them but for me it was not easy. There is and should be nuance to the discussion; the parents are usually depicted as completely rejecting or completely accepting. For instance, their dead name is a name you chose for them and you didn't choose it to make their life miserable. It was sad for me when she gave it up.

Anyway, it was a journey for me but I saw how much happier she is as a woman and how much she blossomed. I helped her change her birth records, SSN, license and name. I am 100% okay with it though I worry about politics and the future for trans people. But my point is that even if you don't think you can, you can be okay with it even if it's hard at first. There comes a day where you realize they're the same person with the same personality. Some days I wish this wasn't my life but I love my daughter and my husband and I get along well with her.

One parent's story; they will all be unique.

I think this is a really honest and ultimately very loving response. I did not feel any sense of grief when my child transitioned. However, I’d also had a stillborn baby so I think that has always kept things in perspective for me. But I’ve heard other parents say that. Mine also didn’t change her name (it’s not like John or Ted) so that made it easier. I would also probably have been sad if she’d chosen a name I didn’t like. I also think it probably would have felt harder to have had an AFAB child who was a trans man—I’m not even sure why I just know in my heart I would have struggled more. However—our relationship became harder as my expectations of her became those of a woman. It brought out a lot of my own issues with womanhood.

I think what you say at the end about her being the same person is the truest thing and what a lot of people don’t understand. It’s still your kid. They didn’t die, thank god. Hopefully they are happier. I really don’t wish my child had never transitioned because she is happier. I do wish trans people weren’t be used as a culture war issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So far there is no known causation between autism and gender dysphoria, but personally, I believe there is one that will eventually be discovered because the overlap is disproportionately high. I believe there is a study currently being done at one of the DC hospitals?

There have been a few other odd connections, like ehlers-danlos and hypermobility.

https://ehlersdanlosnews.com/news/high-rate-transgender-gender-diverse-identities-eds-clinic/

My kid is both on the spectrum and hypermobile (but no signs of painful ehlers-danlos....just extremely flexible).

Personally, I do not like the intimation that people who are on the spectrum are being trans as a "special interest." I think it is paternalistic and kind of insulting--and another way to just invalidate someone's feelings about themselves.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the clinics that perform this type of therapy require therapy (and even a period of dressing as the preferred gender?), before they will take the permanent step of removing external sex organs?

Previously, yes, but the current recommendations have moved on to an informed consent, affirmation only model. Those steps are no longer required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the clinics that perform this type of therapy require therapy (and even a period of dressing as the preferred gender?), before they will take the permanent step of removing external sex organs?

Previously, yes, but the current recommendations have moved on to an informed consent, affirmation only model. Those steps are no longer required.

Not true. There is no informed consent only model for surgery that removes "external sex organs".