Young Adult kid to begin gender transition

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here except that this is an anonymous forum so it's an easy place to post.

My 20 year old "son" is actually my 20 year old daughter, as she told spouse and I this past spring. There has been a bit of initial parental discomfort (mainly our generalized fears for her life and wellbeing) but we handled it very well from my daughter's perspective--we've been loving, supportive, and open minded. We've also taken the time to learn more about trans identity and struggle.

This child has always been a bit "quirky", definitely autism spectrum but very very low support needed. She never expressed herself as a girl but identified that she was queer in some way as early as middle school. She's been thinking about the various possibilities since then. She's always had a small close group of friends, and many of them are gender diverse in some way including a couple of transfems. She views her gender transition as "not really a big deal" in the scheme of life and she truly acts accordingly. She's exactly who she has always been, we're just now lucky enough to learn more about who is inside. She is a joyful human, thoughtful, kind, giving, forgiving, and with great passion for her interests. She is living at home this year and commuting to her second year of university in town and we are truly thrilled to have her here--she's such a lovely and delightful human being. We missed her so much while she was in the dorms.

She has never dated. She has never been into clothing or appearance. She is self-conscious about her body and has decided to start hormones before transitioning outwardly i.e. wearing women's clothing or makeup, etc. This was a bit shocking to us but apparently is more common than I thought due to a desire to not appear like "a man dressed as a woman". It is hard for me to imagine how this plays out but I guess sometimes you just wait and see.

The hardest thing has been to convince her that she should see a therapist. We've explained that we don't know enough to support her through this and that having someone who has been there done that would be a benefit. We'll pay for it, of course. We're also really encouraging her to form more relationships with other trans people, like at school, because she'll need the community. She's so content in life that it's hard to convince her that things might be beyond her ability to cope at some point.

Anyway....I guess I'm just throwing this out there because I appreciate hearing other stories from parents whose kids have transitioned at this age.

[Anonymous]

Posy it on LGBTQ section.

[Anonymous]

All of this is new and complex for you as a parent as well so please seek therapy for yourself too and may be as a family as well.

[Anonymous]

I am the parent of a trans middle school kid on the spectrum and can I tell you I’ve just been beaming since I read your post an hour ago? There’s such love and acceptance in your relationship with your kid. It’s beautiful to hear about even second hand through a weird internet message board.

Our kids get so misunderstood. I aspire to be like you as my kid grows up. And I hope my child finds the contentment it sounds like your child has found. Trying to beam some positive parenting vibes back at you. Well done.

[Anonymous]

Oh and you might look into the books of Devon Price - Unmasking Autism and Unlearning Shame. He’s a trans autistic author whose positive perspective may be useful to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. Apparently a majority of gender-transitioning people are on the autism spectrum. Is it that they've always suffered from being misunderstood and not fitting in, and they feel they need to make this change because the people who accept trans are known to be very tolerant, and that therefore their autism will be accepted as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Apparently a majority of gender-transitioning people are on the autism spectrum. Is it that they've always suffered from being misunderstood and not fitting in, and they feel they need to make this change because the people who accept trans are known to be very tolerant, and that therefore their autism will be accepted as well?

Or is it that feeling like your body and how you are perceived doesn't match with who you believe yourself to be leads to sensory issues, social challenges, and withdrawal from interaction, leading to an autism diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Apparently a majority of gender-transitioning people are on the autism spectrum. Is it that they've always suffered from being misunderstood and not fitting in, and they feel they need to make this change because the people who accept trans are known to be very tolerant, and that therefore their autism will be accepted as well?

Or is it that feeling like your body and how you are perceived doesn't match with who you believe yourself to be leads to sensory issues, social challenges, and withdrawal from interaction, leading to an autism diagnosis?

PP you replied to. I don't think so. Autism is there at birth, and develops into visible traits much earlier than sexual development, sexual interests and the stabilizing of one's own sexual identity. My young adult son is autistic and my husband, two nephews and other males in his family tree have autistic tendencies. None have ever showed any sign of wanting to be something other than a heterosexual male.

But autism manifests with a lifelong hyperfocus on one or more certain topics of interest: botany for my husband, war strategies for my son, roller coasters for one nephew, cooking for the other. They immerse themselves in their passion and it helps them fit into the world. It makes sense to me that one possible topic of interest would be adopting a specific sexual identity. And since that takes incredible fortitude in the face of public opprobrium, it makes sense that most of the people with enough socio-emotional disconnect to weather it would be people with autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Apparently a majority of gender-transitioning people are on the autism spectrum. Is it that they've always suffered from being misunderstood and not fitting in, and they feel they need to make this change because the people who accept trans are known to be very tolerant, and that therefore their autism will be accepted as well?

It's not the majority but it's higher than the general population. Probably because autistic people are less able to manage the gender dysphoria before coming to a breaking point.

[Anonymous]

I wish you luck and strongly suggest therapy. I didn't understand if you have a boy transitioning to a girl or the other way around, but be aware that there can also be a change of mind later on. So try to advise no drastic physical changes, at least not right away, because you cannot go back.

[Anonymous]

This smells like a repost from the Teens section, which was a Troll post.

If this is true, the. There are lots of lgbtqia2+ support groups for parents and just let them do whatever with their life.

Agree on therapy and focus should be on being a productive member of society, have a career/trade, give back, etc.

If you find your adult child spiraling into self-.absorption, then suggest therapy or nature or real hobbies. Lgbtqia2+ is an identity but you still need a life, hobbies, friends, work, family to be a healthy PERSON.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Apparently a majority of gender-transitioning people are on the autism spectrum. Is it that they've always suffered from being misunderstood and not fitting in, and they feel they need to make this change because the people who accept trans are known to be very tolerant, and that therefore their autism will be accepted as well?

It’a due to their constant state of confusion, driven by mindblindness, lack of theory of mind, poor communication and understanding of people, etc.

If you were confused by assignments, conversations, expectations, society, then maybe being confused about yourself is something to try out. Maybe it is the solution to something. Maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Apparently a majority of gender-transitioning people are on the autism spectrum. Is it that they've always suffered from being misunderstood and not fitting in, and they feel they need to make this change because the people who accept trans are known to be very tolerant, and that therefore their autism will be accepted as well?

Or is it that feeling like your body and how you are perceived doesn't match with who you believe yourself to be leads to sensory issues, social challenges, and withdrawal from interaction, leading to an autism diagnosis?

No

Autism symptoms and formal diagnoses are way more than social issues.

[Anonymous]

Especially executive functioning issues.

[Anonymous]

You say you have taken time to learn more so I assume you have read Time to Think by Hannah Barnes. I am not in your situation but I read it to understand. And, the main takeaway was therapy. So, I think you are on the right track to do everything you can to encourage that.