Cousin Relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My mom, for example, once invited my daughter to an evening event that revolved around an interest of daughters. Then, last minute, she invited the cousin. My daughter was originally going to spend the night with my mom afterwards. I made a last minute excuse that we would pick her up after the event. My mom was upset because she said the girls have such a good time together, why couldn’t I let them have a sleepover at her place.

Well, why couldn't you? Your concerns about what your niece gets up to are valid, but do you honestly think that she's going to get drunk and high at grandma's house? This would actually be a good way for them to hang out and be completely supervised. I would not let them have a sleepover at SIL's host or hang out alone, but this would be pretty safe.

Could it be that you are overprotective because your older child got into drugs? Do you think DD is going to think drugs are cool because she hangs out with cousin? But you let DD spend time with her older sibling and DD didn't get into drugs, right?

OP here. My daughter doesn’t want to do this. She’s 16. If she wanted additional social time in her schedule, she absolutely want it with her own friends. Any definitely would not want her mother arranging stuff like this!

You keep saying this, but you never say that you talked to your daughter about this and what her opinion is. Does she mind spending time with her cousin or not? If she doesn't want to spend time with her, then continue to keep them apart, but if she does, then there's no need to swoop in and cancel her overnight with grandma.

I do spend a lot of time with my mom. And, in fact, we do an annual girl's trip with mom, me, and my sister which is always a lot of fun. Like I said, no antipathy at all with my sister and I'd rather keep it that way!

So why don't you guys just invite your daughters to this? That would satisfy grandma and you'd be there to supervise. You already spend time as a family with your a-hole husbands, so wouldn't this be even better? All the women, with no fighting husbands around. And you already said the cousin is very sweet when your mom is around.

You bring up some really good points. My daughter doesn't want to spend additional social time with her cousin. Just last week, her cousin invited her, directly, to go out shopping, and she came to me asking the best way to politely decline. My kid isn't reserved about asking for what she wants. If she was just afraid I'd say no, and she wanted to, she'd ask.

Yes, I do think she's going to get drunk and high at grandma's house. I have literally seen her high at grandma's house. I didn't drug test her, but I know what high looks like. My daughter even mentioned it separately when we got home. The fact that her older brother really went through it about 5 years ago has actually made my daughter pretty anti-drug. We have also gone on trips (my mom loves to travel) with the three generations of girls, and my niece was tipsy almost every night with dinner as she was getting full alcoholic beverages. (We were in a different country where they serve down to age 18 and, I guess, don't really check ID). Yes, my mother noticed this, and mentioned to me that she thought it was odd, but seemed to think it was a one-off on a vacation.

As for what I'm realistically afraid will happen. I guess the most likely thing is really stupid internet stuff. I'm not detailing every single thing I've seen from my niece, but really stupid internet stuff (involving drinking, risky behavior, drugs, etc) is up there. She's also shown off her vape to my kid. I'm sure, at some point, my kid will try a vape, and they are certainly all over her high school, but why put her in a position where this stuff is likely to happen.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Sorry, other realistic thing that I'm nervous about happening is my niece driving someplace while intoxicated or high. I have no evidence she's done this, but she's a kid who is pretty open about her use (which makes me think it's pretty frequent if I'm seeing this much evidence as just an aunt). My mom seems to think it's great that they can now drive to places (in theory hasn't happened) together on their own, and I have no doubts she'd sent them off to spend time together at a mall or give them a credit card to have lunch together if they were spending the day at her place, as she's talked about how wonderful it is that they could do things like that.

[Anonymous]

You bring up some really good points. My daughter doesn't want to spend additional social time with her cousin. Just last week, her cousin invited her, directly, to go out shopping, and she came to me asking the best way to politely decline. My kid isn't reserved about asking for what she wants. If she was just afraid I'd say no, and she wanted to, she'd ask.

Yes, I do think she's going to get drunk and high at grandma's house. I have literally seen her high at grandma's house. I didn't drug test her, but I know what high looks like. My daughter even mentioned it separately when we got home. The fact that her older brother really went through it about 5 years ago has actually made my daughter pretty anti-drug. We have also gone on trips (my mom loves to travel) with the three generations of girls, and my niece was tipsy almost every night with dinner as she was getting full alcoholic beverages. (We were in a different country where they serve down to age 18 and, I guess, don't really check ID). Yes, my mother noticed this, and mentioned to me that she thought it was odd, but seemed to think it was a one-off on a vacation.

As for what I'm realistically afraid will happen. I guess the most likely thing is really stupid internet stuff. I'm not detailing every single thing I've seen from my niece, but really stupid internet stuff (involving drinking, risky behavior, drugs, etc) is up there. She's also shown off her vape to my kid. I'm sure, at some point, my kid will try a vape, and they are certainly all over her high school, but why put her in a position where this stuff is likely to happen.

PP. Thank you for clarifying. Then yeah, it sounds like it's best to avoid. The good thing is that your daughter is anti-drug and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. So, at least you don't have to worry a ton about her going down that path.

I feel sorry for your mom. She probably thinks your daughter would be a really good influence on your niece, and wants them be closer than you and your sister.

The problem probably solves itself in two years if one or both girls go away for college.

[Anonymous]

I also don't want to send my daughter over to spend the night or hang out on the weekends unsupervised.

Then don't!!! Be the parent.
Your Mom getting "pushier and pushier" is unimportant
No explanation needed. Do not give one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry, other realistic thing that I'm nervous about happening is my niece driving someplace while intoxicated or high. I have no evidence she's done this, but she's a kid who is pretty open about her use (which makes me think it's pretty frequent if I'm seeing this much evidence as just an aunt). My mom seems to think it's great that they can now drive to places (in theory hasn't happened) together on their own, and I have no doubts she'd sent them off to spend time together at a mall or give them a credit card to have lunch together if they were spending the day at her place, as she's talked about how wonderful it is that they could do things like that.

Well there, I think you need to set a hard line that you're not comfortable with that and insist they at least take ubers if that happens. Mom's rule. It can be that you don't allow her to drive with any new drivers, if you do not want to mention her substance problem directly. DD needs to straight up say she's not allowed to get in the car with cousin, ever. Don't let her be put into a situation where she ever has to gauge whether she thinks cousin is drunk or not and figure out whether it's safe.

I actually would probably just mention the substances though. Since your niece apparently drinks openly it's no secret, so I would just say "sorry, we are not comfortable with DD being driven by cousin because cousin drinks alcohol regularly."

[Anonymous]

Anything posted on social media is fair to mention. I don't think it's tattling IF it's a situation where you are being pressured to give reasons. But avoid reasons whenever you can.

[Anonymous]

People can just have blinders on about their relatives. I went to college with my cousin and our mothers were always hassling us to spend all our free time together. My moms mind was blown years later when I told her I had gotten high less than 6 times in my life (she thought it was much more) and every single time the drugs were supplied by cousin!! She refused to believe it.

[Anonymous]

Grandma is t going to supervise, so skip the overnights and trips. Can't you invite both girls to a manicure, lunch or a hike? Something where you are present.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure whether your most concerned with the bad influence issue or the daughter not wanting to do it issue. Then we have to factor in not creating antipathy with Sister, and Grandma’s feelings.

I think to avoid antipathy you don’t express anything about the bad influence. You just talk about her sport/extracurricular commitments, maybe relate it to college prep.

Acknowledge your mom’s desire for more extended family closeness. It’s really common as parents age. Just listen and validate her emotions while also letting her know that DD has commitments that preclude some of what your mom wants. If DD knows you have her back on the unsupervised/supervised by grandma stuff, she might be more willing to up the group activities a little.

[Anonymous]

You know you're doing the right thing. You don't need to justify it to your mom. Give her one explanation. after that just no, and change the subject. Or don't even bother with the no. She's coming from a good place, but she's wrong, and may not ever get why.

[Anonymous]

Why not tell your mom the truth?

[Anonymous]

Your mom needs to accept that her family isn’t close and will likely fracture as soon as she’s dead. With SILs who can’t stand each and sisters who don’t sound very close, there won’t be much getting together once grandma is gone. It’s too late to force the cousins to be besties.

[Anonymous]

Tl;dr

I think cousins relationships are really important. they’re not plagued with all the conflict that siblings and step/inlaw siblings might have.

I have six siblings, four sister-in-law’s.

None of the sister-in-law’s wanted to be involved with our family.

I was fine with that, but I worked really hard and making sure all the cousins knew each other.

Now that we are older, we are going to weddings and funerals, and the cousins know each other and love each other.

Many Cousins have moved to states and cities where they don’t have any immediate family, but they do have cousins… and those relationships have grown extremely close closer than Friends normally are.

I don’t know what to tell you about your specific situation but if you are in a position to grow relationships between cousins, do it.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom no. She needs to stop expecting people to play roles she imagines in her Hallmark movie fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom that the girls are so busy with their high school lives but you know they're connected on social media. Brag a little bit, "Oh yes, Larla was telling me how she saw some really nice pictures from Bitsy's homecoming game and some funny ones with her friends. As much as we knock social media, it's so nice that the girls have that to stay in touch until they're older and have more free time!" Let her believe that's their outlet.

And definitely add some girls' things. My friend does a Girls Brunch twice a year with her mother, sister, nieces, SIL, etc. They go somewhere fancy and maybe see a show. Anyone can get through something like that and the girls won't feel forced together.