Cousin Relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not tell your mom the truth?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious on folks thoughts on handling this.

We live very closer to my sister's family as well as my mother. My sister and I have never been close. No antipathy, but no real depth to our relationship. Our husbands, on the other hand, are like oil and water, and at this point, twenty years into the marriage, both can be pretty badly behaved as far as antagonizing the other. (Like bringing up political topics in conversation that they know they are polar opposites on, or making pointed comments about the other's religious belief under the guise of being "straightforward"). It's unpleasant, unlikely to change at this point, and just means neither of us really seek out any family time together.

This is just background.

This is all fairly distressing to my elderly mother, who, giving up on our generation, has now made it our mission that the cousins are close. Specifically, my daughter and my sister's daughter. I've known my sister's daughter since she was a baby. She's a smart, funny, lovely girl in a lot of ways. But, she's also not someone I'd be thrilled about my daughter spending a lot of unsupervised time with, especially now that she can drive. They are both 16. My daughter is pretty clean cut. She's home directly after school. She doesn't go out on weekends. She has plenty of friends, but does a very time-consuming sport, so she's busy. You can never be sure, but I see no sign she is taking drugs, and we went through that with an older child, so I don't think I'm missing anything. Her cousin is just much more of a partier. Her parents have always let her drink at home. (Like full glasses of wine with dinner) My daughter has shown me social media posts, for example, where the cousin says she's drunk, taking photos lounging against half-dressed guys, posting friends passed out at parties. I'm pretty sure she's been high at family events (again... been down this road with my own older kid).

I don't feel like it's my business to talk to my sister about this. But I also don't want to send my daughter over to spend the night or hang out on the weekends unsupervised. My mom is getting pushier and pushier about trying to set up situations where the girls get together. (Like inviting everyone over to dinner on a Friday and then contacting the girls separately about staying overnight so they can hang out... things like that)

It's difficult enough keeping the husbands civilized. I keep coming up with excuses (early practice the next day, etc) to not have the girls hanging out alone.

I can't see any alternative than to keep deferring. I'm not going to bring this up to my mom. I can't see anything good coming of basically telling my sister I don't trust her kid around mine.

I do spend a lot of time with my mom. And, in fact, we do an annual girl's trip with mom, me, and my sister which is always a lot of fun. Like I said, no antipathy at all with my sister and I'd rather keep it that way!

[Anonymous]

Oy.

No. Just no.

Your job as a mother is to protect your child. First, last and always.

When your child wants the same thing you want, for incredibly obvious good reasons, then you're lucky enough to have the job of protecting her be infinitely easier.

You just say no to your mother. Period.

You can say more if you want to, but you don't need to. You just need to stand firm in what is best for your child. Too bad if it's hard for you, too bad if it's upsetting for your mother - doesn't matter. It's what is right for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in to say "no way." Your sister allows your 16 year old niece to drink at home. It is not surprising what else she has gotten into. She has no rules at home (shame on your sister and BIL). All of this is disqualifying. I don't think there is a "best" way to handle it, just keep politely declining.