One member of friend group keeps taking group chats to specific members and I’m over it

[Anonymous]

My friend group does this often - because it's hard to plan with seven people. We ask who is interested, 2-3 of us plan, and then we come back to the group with the details. It works for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am part of a friend group where we use text to make plans with each other. On multiple occasions I have come to find out that one member of the group is spinning up side text threads with specific members of the group in a way that really looks like they’re trying to exclude one or more people from attending the event. I have no idea how to address this but it’s childish and getting old, and the other members that are getting invited to the spinoff chats are reaching back out to the others saying, hey the plan is still happening, do you want to come? Not sure why X person keeps doing this would love everyone to come.

Any thoughts welcome! This person is recognized as pretty sour and difficult by personality so need to find a way to get them to stop trying to be so exclusive.

This is normal. YOU sound like the one with sour grapes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not believe OP’s perspective for a second. That OP is offended on the behalf of another. That OP defending the system because someone else is being what she describes as “exclusive.” It just ain’t so.

I am always suspicious of people who do things like this in the name of someone else.

This is a really bizarre take. Being offended on behalf of a friend and being protective of a friend is called loyalty. It’s the best quality a friend can have. I’m not suspicious at all, I know many people who are protective over their friends and over others being excluded. Are you a sociopath who doesn’t care about others feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am part of a friend group where we use text to make plans with each other. On multiple occasions I have come to find out that one member of the group is spinning up side text threads with specific members of the group in a way that really looks like they’re trying to exclude one or more people from attending the event. I have no idea how to address this but it’s childish and getting old, and the other members that are getting invited to the spinoff chats are reaching back out to the others saying, hey the plan is still happening, do you want to come? Not sure why X person keeps doing this would love everyone to come.

Any thoughts welcome! This person is recognized as pretty sour and difficult by personality so need to find a way to get them to stop trying to be so exclusive.

This is normal. YOU sound like the one with sour grapes.

If you read my other responses you’d see this person is leaving literally one or two other people out on purpose, before they can even respond. This is just mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to address it directly, but non-emotively and non critically, if that makes sense. Try not to make it personal, though it very much is.

So I'd send a text to everyone saying something like "please remember to include everyone in text updates about group plans, it is discourteous to leave people out, even if it is unintentional. Thank you"

So people are never allowed to make their own plans??? Trying to control a voluntary means of communication never goes well.

Maybe this person is failing to read the room, but the “group” is not some kind of monolith. These are not “side texts” but completely independent relationships. Maybe the person initiating them doesn’t feel comfortable always being in a big group or wants to suggest activities that they know only a few are interested it.

But thanks OP for verifying why “friend groups” suck. Be an adult!

[Anonymous]

I do think it’s easier to nail things down with a core small group and then circle back to open up the details to everyone. Why choose to make it so adversarial op? Nothing to be gained by labeling one person surly. All groups need diverse personalities. You seem a bit too invested in this one.

[Anonymous]

Wow, some weird takes here. Is the original inviter (that initiated the group event request) included on all spin off threads or is that person left off?

I would think it’s up to the originator to ensure everyone is included. It’s odd to have another person take over an invite that wasn’t there’s to start. Also kind of up to the group to self police rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend group does this often - because it's hard to plan with seven people. We ask who is interested, 2-3 of us plan, and then we come back to the group with the details. It works for all.

We do this as well. The same woman always claims she will host or coordinate the event. She either doesn't plan it, plans it poorly, or cancels. Now three of us will finalize then go back with the plan including her. She still usually cancels but the rest of us are set.