One member of friend group keeps taking group chats to specific members and I’m over it

[Anonymous]

I am part of a friend group where we use text to make plans with each other. On multiple occasions I have come to find out that one member of the group is spinning up side text threads with specific members of the group in a way that really looks like they’re trying to exclude one or more people from attending the event. I have no idea how to address this but it’s childish and getting old, and the other members that are getting invited to the spinoff chats are reaching back out to the others saying, hey the plan is still happening, do you want to come? Not sure why X person keeps doing this would love everyone to come.

Any thoughts welcome! This person is recognized as pretty sour and difficult by personality so need to find a way to get them to stop trying to be so exclusive.

[Anonymous]

This is normal. Sometimes people want to do things in a smaller group. Your reaction to it is what is "childish." No one owes you an invite to absolutely everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is normal. Sometimes people want to do things in a smaller group. Your reaction to it is what is "childish." No one owes you an invite to absolutely everything.

It’s fine to want to do things in smaller groups but if person A reaches out saying I’d love to have all of you join me for event X and perso. B starts another thread leaving out person C but not persons D, E, F, and G, that is absolutely childish and cruel. Just because your mother never taught you how to treat people doesn’t mean it’s ok the do this kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is normal. Sometimes people want to do things in a smaller group. Your reaction to it is what is "childish." No one owes you an invite to absolutely everything.

It’s fine to want to do things in smaller groups but if person A reaches out saying I’d love to have all of you join me for event X and perso. B starts another thread leaving out person C but not persons D, E, F, and G, that is absolutely childish and cruel. Just because your mother never taught you how to treat people doesn’t mean it’s ok the do this kind of thing.

That's obnoxious. I'd just add people to the chats
"+Larla"
and keep discussing the main events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is normal. Sometimes people want to do things in a smaller group. Your reaction to it is what is "childish." No one owes you an invite to absolutely everything.

It’s fine to want to do things in smaller groups but if person A reaches out saying I’d love to have all of you join me for event X and perso. B starts another thread leaving out person C but not persons D, E, F, and G, that is absolutely childish and cruel. Just because your mother never taught you how to treat people doesn’t mean it’s ok the do this kind of thing.

Then stop including/inviting person B. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to address it directly, but non-emotively and non critically, if that makes sense. Try not to make it personal, though it very much is.

So I'd send a text to everyone saying something like "please remember to include everyone in text updates about group plans, it is discourteous to leave people out, even if it is unintentional. Thank you"

[Anonymous]

Is this a high school group chat?

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP. Sounds like this person just doesn’t like you. Time to find new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am part of a friend group where we use text to make plans with each other. On multiple occasions I have come to find out that one member of the group is spinning up side text threads with specific members of the group in a way that really looks like they’re trying to exclude one or more people from attending the event. I have no idea how to address this but it’s childish and getting old, and the other members that are getting invited to the spinoff chats are reaching back out to the others saying, hey the plan is still happening, do you want to come? Not sure why X person keeps doing this would love everyone to come.

Any thoughts welcome! This person is recognized as pretty sour and difficult by personality so need to find a way to get them to stop trying to be so exclusive.

I don’t think there is a way to address this directly without coming off as controlling especially since it sounds like you are not in the spin-off chats. If the people in the spin-off chats have an issue with it, they can address it indirectly via actions with a +Larla to add the folks back into the conversation or only respond about plans on the main thread and ignore the group spin-off chat from this person.

If the members of the spin-off chats are feeding into it, you need to take a closer look at those friendships. If the person creating the spin-offs isn’t getting the reaction they want they will either stop or be forced to say why they are intentionally spinning off the small groupie. You don’t change toxic behaviors by feeding into it, but rather by depriving it of fuel.

[Anonymous]

Don’t take this the wrong way but you sound “controlling. “ I have several women friends who are like this. Most find this to be the worst thing to say to them.

I have shared the observation before

It’s like they were told they were an “abusive parent” or a fraud” or something

[Anonymous]

OP,

The other things (feedback) you might’ve heard — or will hear — in your life is that people think they are

-“walking on eggshells”
-afraid of offending you

Controlling people are actually successful. They are exhausting to be around an many will rebel. You may be experiencing that right here, who knows ?

[Anonymous]

I was in a friend group like this and slowly backed out over the course of about a year. This is totally toxic and not worth it at our age.

[Anonymous]

I do not believe OP’s perspective for a second. That OP is offended on the behalf of another. That OP defending the system because someone else is being what she describes as “exclusive.” It just ain’t so.

I am always suspicious of people who do things like this in the name of someone else.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe you pp. I believe Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a friend group like this and slowly backed out over the course of about a year. This is totally toxic and not worth it at our age.

+1.