Guardian Ad Litem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex has more to lose. Just not sure if it'll ease or create more tension in the process.

Got it, you are desperate to find a way to stick it to him. Go for it. Don’t worry if you hurt the kids.

Jeff I’m not sure what has happened to DCUM. This used to be a place I could come to for advice. Now it’s full of mentally ill trolls. I’ve been using DCUM for 15 years and user experience seems to be drastically declining in quality.


Fwiw, my ex refused to budge in mediation even though I bent over backwards to compromise. He wanted to go to court even though we proposed a parent coordinator in mediation. We told him court would mean a CE or GAL, and that they would most likely recommend joint custody (ex has manipulated situation and lied to the point kids don’t want to cross him and I can’t get them on my time). Perhaps he didn’t understand that once it got to court it would no longer be his decision, but a judge’s.

Are you abusive? Current advice for people in abusive relationships is to just go straight to court.

I don’t know if OP is abusive but she seems to have a fundamental misunderstanding of the court system. She posted before asking about how to get a mediator to convince her ex about joint custody. She seems to think that someone short of a judge can make her DH understand & do what she wants. Maybe what she wants is justified but at this point a judge is going to have to order it. This isn’t about OP being entitled to make her DH listen to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex has more to lose. Just not sure if it'll ease or create more tension in the process.

Don't you both have the same kids to lose? Or does he currently have full custody or something?

We had a custody evaluation, and a GAL but my case abruptly became open and shut part way through.

Open and shut?

Yes, unfortunately something happened that was significant enough that CPS testified in court and there is now a restraining order that means he can't be within 50 feet of the children. As a result, I now have 100% physical and legal custody.

Can you share?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t request a GAL or a parenting coordinator at all. And I’m a lawyer. Just because you think you are right OP doesn’t mean thay the GAL or parenting coordinator will agree with you. And now you’ve let a basically untrained and unaccountable person into your life and given them power over you. It’s bad enough to have to have a judge decide, but with a judge, at least everything happens out in the open with your lawyer there and a trained professional deciding.

+1 Some GALs are good and basically do it as a form of pro bono hours. But the majority of them are GALs because it's the only way they can earn a living. They can't make it otherwise as private attorneys. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t request a GAL or a parenting coordinator at all. And I’m a lawyer. Just because you think you are right OP doesn’t mean thay the GAL or parenting coordinator will agree with you. And now you’ve let a basically untrained and unaccountable person into your life and given them power over you. It’s bad enough to have to have a judge decide, but with a judge, at least everything happens out in the open with your lawyer there and a trained professional deciding.

+1 Some GALs are good and basically do it as a form of pro bono hours. But the majority of them are GALs because it's the only way they can earn a living. They can't make it otherwise as private attorneys. Be careful.

Yep. There’s zero way I would be a GAL. *shudder*. The lawyers who do it must either be unqualified for anything else, or have weird crusaderish views about kids and families. Or even worse, both. I’d honestly rather give my ex 75% time and forgo all child support than let a GAL anywhere near my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex has more to lose. Just not sure if it'll ease or create more tension in the process.

Don't you both have the same kids to lose? Or does he currently have full custody or something?

We had a custody evaluation, and a GAL but my case abruptly became open and shut part way through.

Open and shut?

Yes, unfortunately something happened that was significant enough that CPS testified in court and there is now a restraining order that means he can't be within 50 feet of the children. As a result, I now have 100% physical and legal custody.

Can you share?

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t request a GAL or a parenting coordinator at all. And I’m a lawyer. Just because you think you are right OP doesn’t mean thay the GAL or parenting coordinator will agree with you. And now you’ve let a basically untrained and unaccountable person into your life and given them power over you. It’s bad enough to have to have a judge decide, but with a judge, at least everything happens out in the open with your lawyer there and a trained professional deciding.

Agree. Do not get any divorce para professionals. They are mostly hacks. It doesn’t end well. You then have to learn to do it yourself later, but on a delayed timetable.

[Anonymous]

I also feel this way when the kids are “asked “ to see the therapist in the middle of a battle
Parents send emails and court orders to the medical provider.

It’s … not … therapeutic. It’s mean for the kids and then they get a weird relationship with talk therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t request a GAL or a parenting coordinator at all. And I’m a lawyer. Just because you think you are right OP doesn’t mean thay the GAL or parenting coordinator will agree with you. And now you’ve let a basically untrained and unaccountable person into your life and given them power over you. It’s bad enough to have to have a judge decide, but with a judge, at least everything happens out in the open with your lawyer there and a trained professional deciding.

Agree. Do not get any divorce para professionals. They are mostly hacks. It doesn’t end well. You then have to learn to do it yourself later, but on a delayed timetable.

+100. One “divorce coordinator” we worked with was useful in walking us through the elements of a parenting plan to consider but the other we worked with was worse than useless (tried to question aspects of the plan my DH and I had already agreed to.) At the end of the day it would have been better (faster & cheaper) to just exchange drafts through lawyers then do a one-time mediation marathon to hammer out any details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also feel this way when the kids are “asked “ to see the therapist in the middle of a battle
Parents send emails and court orders to the medical provider.

It’s … not … therapeutic. It’s mean for the kids and then they get a weird relationship with talk therapy.

Yep. And talk therapists are not really equipped generally to do diagnoses. They just get a very limited perspective. An actual psychological evaluation to diagnose any severe issues might be appropriate, including a review of all previous records. For example if you had a SN kid and there was a question about legal custody or physical custody, understanding the best interests would include digging into the history. But sending run of the mill kids to a LCSW in the middle of a divorce to assess them is pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t request a GAL or a parenting coordinator at all. And I’m a lawyer. Just because you think you are right OP doesn’t mean thay the GAL or parenting coordinator will agree with you. And now you’ve let a basically untrained and unaccountable person into your life and given them power over you. It’s bad enough to have to have a judge decide, but with a judge, at least everything happens out in the open with your lawyer there and a trained professional deciding.

I could have written this. I’m a lawyer too and I now do pro bono work in family law because I was so disgusted by what I see pass for justice and protecting families in our court system. It is an extremely dysfunctional system and you should NEVER EVER EVER step into it thinking that these professionals- who make tons of money off your family’s dysfunction and often encourage it bc of that- will see what is fair or right and help you.

Sure, push him in mediation by using whatever levers you can, but do not bring these extra people into your family’s lives. Btdt and it can quickly cycle out of control. Next you’ll be paying for a court referred ‘forensic’ psychiatrist to assess your parenting skills and if you think that ever goes well for women, you will be sorely disappointed

And fyi- your lawyer is not a reliable narrator so don’t tell me ‘my lawyer recommends blah blah’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also feel this way when the kids are “asked “ to see the therapist in the middle of a battle
Parents send emails and court orders to the medical provider.

It’s … not … therapeutic. It’s mean for the kids and then they get a weird relationship with talk therapy.

I’m poster above, the lawyer. Yes. My kids were forced to talk to a PC and therapists as part of the custody battle process and it has scarred them and one in particular no longer trusts anyone in the ‘helping’ professions bc of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t request a GAL or a parenting coordinator at all. And I’m a lawyer. Just because you think you are right OP doesn’t mean thay the GAL or parenting coordinator will agree with you. And now you’ve let a basically untrained and unaccountable person into your life and given them power over you. It’s bad enough to have to have a judge decide, but with a judge, at least everything happens out in the open with your lawyer there and a trained professional deciding.

I could have written this. I’m a lawyer too and I now do pro bono work in family law because I was so disgusted by what I see pass for justice and protecting families in our court system. It is an extremely dysfunctional system and you should NEVER EVER EVER step into it thinking that these professionals- who make tons of money off your family’s dysfunction and often encourage it bc of that- will see what is fair or right and help you.

Sure, push him in mediation by using whatever levers you can, but do not bring these extra people into your family’s lives. Btdt and it can quickly cycle out of control. Next you’ll be paying for a court referred ‘forensic’ psychiatrist to assess your parenting skills and if you think that ever goes well for women, you will be sorely disappointed

And fyi- your lawyer is not a reliable narrator so don’t tell me ‘my lawyer recommends blah blah’.

+100. I do love my lawyer though- she believes me when I tell her I’d rather set my hair on fire than go to court and has helped me drop overly contentious stances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex has more to lose. Just not sure if it'll ease or create more tension in the process.

Got it, you are desperate to find a way to stick it to him. Go for it. Don’t worry if you hurt the kids.

Jeff I’m not sure what has happened to DCUM. This used to be a place I could come to for advice. Now it’s full of mentally ill trolls. I’ve been using DCUM for 15 years and user experience seems to be drastically declining in quality.


Fwiw, my ex refused to budge in mediation even though I bent over backwards to compromise. He wanted to go to court even though we proposed a parent coordinator in mediation. We told him court would mean a CE or GAL, and that they would most likely recommend joint custody (ex has manipulated situation and lied to the point kids don’t want to cross him and I can’t get them on my time). Perhaps he didn’t understand that once it got to court it would no longer be his decision, but a judge’s.

So, basically, you are bullying him by threatening him if he doesn't do what you want, you will get a GAL. I can understand why he'd rather go to court than keep negotiating with you if you wish to call it that. He is better off taking his chances with a judge depending on hwhat youa re offering. If you could agree on things, you wouldn't need a mediator. He doesn't feel your offer is fair.

You have major issues wow.

The GAL is because exDH refuses joint custody. He only wants full. No compromise in mediation at all.

What do you think the GAL will do?

Recommend joint custody of course. There’s no reason not to, ex doesn’t want to pay child support so is attempting to have full and has repeatedly kept kids from me during my time with them. Fwiw ex was the one who wanted to go to court for some reason rather than settle in mediation. Delusional maybe?

First, there is physical custody which is what I assume you mean here. Time with the kids. And then where is legal custody which is what is meant by ‘joint’. The right to make decisions together. I’m going to break this to you, OP, but joint custody will never ever work with you two. You are pushing for something that will be a disaster for your kids. You will be trapped with having to agree on arguably everything for your kids for years to come, and if you are not able to agree now, this won’t work.

One or the other of you needs to make final decisions for your kids. Even if you choose ‘zones’ where you decide one thing and he decides another. If your lawyer is recommending you push for ‘joint custody’ it is because they are thrilled to sign up what they know will soon become a repeat customer.

I can only assume you and DH have some money, right? You are a prime target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex has more to lose. Just not sure if it'll ease or create more tension in the process.

You do realize that now your dc will be forced to meet and talk to lawyers, right? You want that for them? And the end result if you push this - and trust me, once a GAL is attached, they won’t mind at all if your case drags out for years as they get paid the entire time- is that your dc will have to do an ‘in camera’ with the judge, right? Such a nice childhood memory for them…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t request a GAL or a parenting coordinator at all. And I’m a lawyer. Just because you think you are right OP doesn’t mean thay the GAL or parenting coordinator will agree with you. And now you’ve let a basically untrained and unaccountable person into your life and given them power over you. It’s bad enough to have to have a judge decide, but with a judge, at least everything happens out in the open with your lawyer there and a trained professional deciding.

I could have written this. I’m a lawyer too and I now do pro bono work in family law because I was so disgusted by what I see pass for justice and protecting families in our court system. It is an extremely dysfunctional system and you should NEVER EVER EVER step into it thinking that these professionals- who make tons of money off your family’s dysfunction and often encourage it bc of that- will see what is fair or right and help you.

Sure, push him in mediation by using whatever levers you can, but do not bring these extra people into your family’s lives. Btdt and it can quickly cycle out of control. Next you’ll be paying for a court referred ‘forensic’ psychiatrist to assess your parenting skills and if you think that ever goes well for women, you will be sorely disappointed

And fyi- your lawyer is not a reliable narrator so don’t tell me ‘my lawyer recommends blah blah’.

+100. I do love my lawyer though- she believes me when I tell her I’d rather set my hair on fire than go to court and has helped me drop overly contentious stances.

Please don’t tell me you ‘love’ your lawyer. You are fundamentally misunderstanding the relationship and their role and how at the end of the day, they are making money off you, and when push comes to shove, they care more about the ongoing relationships they need to have with the GAL and the judge who will be assigned and even opposing counsel than you. You can think they are decent, or even better than others, but viewing them as your friend and fully trusting them is a mistake.