Why does my DD feel so much pressure to be perfect right away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's some combo of genes and birth order. My mom has this trait, which she thinks came from having a very critical mother. But my mom was carefully non-critical of us and I still have this trait. I'm also consciously non-critical of my own kids and my oldest is just like your daughter.

We're working on it!

This seems to be a really common issue. As far as the self-criticism/ pressure, do any of you believe this might be the result of the child’s dissatisfaction with their assigned gender?

Not in our case.

[Anonymous]

She's watching how you respond to the world and acting accordingly.

I watched how my sister passed on her fear of heights to her daughter. I told her what she was doing and how. She still labeled her kid as having a fear of heights. Just like you labeled you kid as a perfectionist. When her kid is with me there is not a fear of heights. When she's with her family she has that fear - it's like she gets rewarded for it in a way. My guess is your kid is being rewarded by you for behaving this way. Don't worry though, you will have loads of mental health problems in 10 years because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's watching how you respond to the world and acting accordingly.

I watched how my sister passed on her fear of heights to her daughter. I told her what she was doing and how. She still labeled her kid as having a fear of heights. Just like you labeled you kid as a perfectionist. When her kid is with me there is not a fear of heights. When she's with her family she has that fear - it's like she gets rewarded for it in a way. My guess is your kid is being rewarded by you for behaving this way. Don't worry though, you will have loads of mental health problems in 10 years because of this.

What happens when your kids take on your judgmental, condescending, know-it-all behaviors? Do you need a rec for a good family therapist to help you guys address this family dysfunction? Maybe the rest of us could help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's watching how you respond to the world and acting accordingly.

I watched how my sister passed on her fear of heights to her daughter. I told her what she was doing and how. She still labeled her kid as having a fear of heights. Just like you labeled you kid as a perfectionist. When her kid is with me there is not a fear of heights. When she's with her family she has that fear - it's like she gets rewarded for it in a way. My guess is your kid is being rewarded by you for behaving this way. Don't worry though, you will have loads of mental health problems in 10 years because of this.

What happens when your kids take on your judgmental, condescending, know-it-all behaviors? Do you need a rec for a good family therapist to help you guys address this family dysfunction? Maybe the rest of us could help.

Some families enjoy dysfunction. Dont assume that PP wants her children to be different from herself.

[Anonymous]

What you’re describing isn’t perfectionism. Perfectionist are critical of everyone around them and won’t stop until they succeed. An exhausting way to live.

Her behavior is not unusual at all. It’s tough, especially at her age, to keep going when you think that you will never be able to do it. It’s actually logical thinking. She has to be shown that isn’t true.

Maybe if she has a skill that she’s close to mastering you can keep her going until she gets it to prove that it can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would model what you want to her to do. What activity do you do that you are bad at? Can she see you get better or not get better? We often avoid things we're bad at, but I think it's really important for our kids to see us do things poorly, enjoy them, and that doing them can be fun, even if we never get better. Life doesn't have to be about progress.

Parents don't have a ton of extra time, especially if you work, so it'll have to be small doses. I'm bad at baking. My kids have seen me burn cookies and muffins, but we still do it because it's fun. I'm bad at singing, but we still sing because it's fun. I'm super slow at sprinting, but it's fun to run races with in the front yard and know that I'll be last. Show them what things you are bad at and how they are fun anyway!
I'm motivated to get better at some things, so they get to see me do that as well. But I think it's more important for kids to see adults enjoy things, even if we're bad at them.

This. I got more parenting mileage out of starting to take ice skating lessons alongside the kid than out of all words I could have said on this topic combined. Also it turns out I actually like ice skating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re already explaining that life is about learning, and she doesn’t need to be perfect, then I would leave things alone and stop worrying. It sounds like you may be overly worried about perfectionism because you struggled with it yourself, so you might be projecting this or seeing your daughter through a faulty lens.

I completely agree with this comment