Why does my DD feel so much pressure to be perfect right away

[Anonymous]

I can see how much pressure she puts on herself to be perfect at everything right away. At school and in activities and just with friends. She's 7. She has this idea that if she doesn't catch onto something immediately whether it's a gymnastics move or a math concept then she is "bad" at it and doesn't want to do it anymore. We spend a lot of time explaining to her that life is about learning and that she doesn't need to be good at anything right away. We give examples of stuff we were bad at initially and then worked at and became good at. We encourage her to see that many of her peers struggle with the exact same stuff and not to just focus on the one or two people who might have an instant ability with something. We try to be encouraging and not critical.

The thing is that I actually struggled with this a lot as well. As a kid and well into adulthood. But I had extremely critical and judgmental parents and olders siblings. Consistently when I was a kid my successes were ignored and my struggles were pointed at. I was regularly told things like "you're just not an athlete" or "I guess math just isn't your thing." I still struggle with self esteem issues over this and I vowed that if I ever had a kid I'd be supportive and encouraging and not become the voice in her head that tells her she's not good enough.

But she's like this anyway. Is it genetic. Or maybe I'm conveying the same criticism and pressure my parents gave me but in ways I just can't see. I don't know. I'm sad for my kid because this has been such a hard way to live and I want better for her. And she's NOT bad at things. She's a child and is learning and has great capacity for learning and can already do things I couldn't do at her age. But she's so hard on herself.

Is there anything I can do to break this cycle.

[Anonymous]

If you’re already explaining that life is about learning, and she doesn’t need to be perfect, then I would leave things alone and stop worrying. It sounds like you may be overly worried about perfectionism because you struggled with it yourself, so you might be projecting this or seeing your daughter through a faulty lens.

[Anonymous]

I'd do some research on the growth mindset concept, and rephrase things to her like, "you can't do it *yet*".

There are lots of books for kids on this. I like "Your Fantastic Elastic Brain", "Bubble Gum Brain", and "I Can Do Hard Things".

[Anonymous]

I am not a perfectionist and do not have anxiety. When my son was a toddler I saw that he was a perfectionist. I did everything you're currently doing. I always said "you can't do it *yet*" like the pp mentioned. There's no way to know how effective the things I did were. He was able to try new things and be bad at them and he had things he was good at. But I sense this deep undercurrent of anxiety that keeps him from really trying. If I could go back I would try to find him a really good therapist. He did try therapy a few times but I never found the right one.

Anxiety runs in the family. I have another child with anxiety but it presents differently. She has had many many years of therapy and medication which has helped enormously.

[Anonymous]

Genetic

[Anonymous]

Yep- genetics. I am not wired that way but DH is. I have one DC who is like this and she puts a lot of pressure on herself. I teach her to give grace to herself and if she works at it she will be better and better.
my only advice is to start that feedback and emphasize it when she is young. It only gets harder in the tween and teen years.

[Anonymous]

OP, is there a way you can get her into an activity that takes time to master, but doesn't make her think less of herself? To kind of show the process and be able to refer to it?

[Anonymous]

I would model what you want to her to do. What activity do you do that you are bad at? Can she see you get better or not get better? We often avoid things we're bad at, but I think it's really important for our kids to see us do things poorly, enjoy them, and that doing them can be fun, even if we never get better. Life doesn't have to be about progress.

Parents don't have a ton of extra time, especially if you work, so it'll have to be small doses. I'm bad at baking. My kids have seen me burn cookies and muffins, but we still do it because it's fun. I'm bad at singing, but we still sing because it's fun. I'm super slow at sprinting, but it's fun to run races with in the front yard and know that I'll be last. Show them what things you are bad at and how they are fun anyway!
I'm motivated to get better at some things, so they get to see me do that as well. But I think it's more important for kids to see adults enjoy things, even if we're bad at them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you were not a perfectionist because of highly critical parents, but rather you were perfectionist and they were highly critical because of anxiety. You may not be able to “fix” your child’s underlying temperamental tendency towards anxiety and perfectionism. But being less critical and voicing alternative views might still have some benefit.

[Anonymous]

My DD is the same. My son, who has special needs, has had no choice in life but to learn that nothing beats work ethic to overcome obstacles. My daughter, to whom everything comes easy, has a harder time learning that. That's why I signed up her for a really difficult instrument so she can actually learn to struggle.

[Anonymous]

I have a son like this. Something that’s been incredibly helpful has been playing a lot of games with him. We play games nightly with him and he has learned how to win, but mostly how to lose. He loses a lot, shakes hands and we talk about how fun it was to just play. It makes him less rigid.

Similarly he had trouble telling the truth when it would put him in a bad light. We forced him over and over to tell the truth (and lose basically) and then he saw it really wasn’t as big of a deal as he thought.

It’s okay to want to be a perfectionist, but you just can’t be as rigid and you have to be able to be a graceful loser and a graceful winner.

[Anonymous]

^ and yes, perfectionism is caused by anxiety and insecurity.

[Anonymous]

I think it's some combo of genes and birth order. My mom has this trait, which she thinks came from having a very critical mother. But my mom was carefully non-critical of us and I still have this trait. I'm also consciously non-critical of my own kids and my oldest is just like your daughter.

We're working on it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's some combo of genes and birth order. My mom has this trait, which she thinks came from having a very critical mother. But my mom was carefully non-critical of us and I still have this trait. I'm also consciously non-critical of my own kids and my oldest is just like your daughter.

We're working on it!

This seems to be a really common issue. As far as the self-criticism/ pressure, do any of you believe this might be the result of the child’s dissatisfaction with their assigned gender?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see how much pressure she puts on herself to be perfect at everything right away. At school and in activities and just with friends. She's 7. She has this idea that if she doesn't catch onto something immediately whether it's a gymnastics move or a math concept then she is "bad" at it and doesn't want to do it anymore. We spend a lot of time explaining to her that life is about learning and that she doesn't need to be good at anything right away. We give examples of stuff we were bad at initially and then worked at and became good at. We encourage her to see that many of her peers struggle with the exact same stuff and not to just focus on the one or two people who might have an instant ability with something. We try to be encouraging and not critical.

The thing is that I actually struggled with this a lot as well. As a kid and well into adulthood. But I had extremely critical and judgmental parents and olders siblings. Consistently when I was a kid my successes were ignored and my struggles were pointed at. I was regularly told things like "you're just not an athlete" or "I guess math just isn't your thing." I still struggle with self esteem issues over this and I vowed that if I ever had a kid I'd be supportive and encouraging and not become the voice in her head that tells her she's not good enough.

But she's like this anyway. Is it genetic. Or maybe I'm conveying the same criticism and pressure my parents gave me but in ways I just can't see. I don't know. I'm sad for my kid because this has been such a hard way to live and I want better for her. And she's NOT bad at things. She's a child and is learning and has great capacity for learning and can already do things I couldn't do at her age. But she's so hard on herself.

Is there anything I can do to break this cycle.

I had a father who expected perfection in my everything and I finally quit trying because I knew I could never be perfect. It took me a long time to finally understand that no one is perfect. I made it a point to let my children know that I just wanted them to do their best and to be prepared. Perfection is boring and we learn from our mistakes.