Do I allow my kid to crash and burn or intervene

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a high schooler? You can give them advice but absent developmental delays, they probably need to make the final decision themselves.

I was like that and still thrive the busier I am. I did hit an overachiever wall in college, though, in trying to take more than the recommended number of courses frosh year including organic chemistry and high level physics and a few other classes. But I bounced back next semester with a smaller course load and one retake. I don't think anyone could have convinced me not to do it.

You might feel reassured reading "the self driven child."

Thanks for your perspective. I get what you are saying - but isn’t it a little too early to go with “you’re an adult now” for a freshman in HS?

That's why you talk it through with him to see the different perspectives. Hold his hand, but let him make the ultimate call within reasonable parameters of what you're willing to put in, like whether there are costs involved with the sports or if they need a parent to drive. It may indeed be too much, but it's better if he comes to that realization himself.

That may involve asking if he can share with you a plan and show you the schedules on a calendar. Once he lays out the sports dates, he may see that they overlap and can't all work with each other or with a job. You can teach him other decision making techniques like a pro/con chart. You also can talk about family values that may come into play, like the importance of keeping a commitment (if you have to miss x practices and games, are you being fair to your coach and teammates?) and a healthy lifestyle (where is sleep fitting into the schedule? What about healthy meals and time to spend with family and friends?).

He may overshoot, but it's a good lesson to try to manage time and set personal boundaries and goals.

[Anonymous]

DS had almost the exact same list on his plate junior and senior years (but only 2 sports- one rec sport and one travel). He was was fine and enjoyed all of it. His job had a lot of downtime that he could use to do homework, so that helped. He did take breaks from the job when things got busy with AP tests, etc. The school leadership + volunteering helped him interact with kids outside his circle. All of it was good for his college applications. All of this was completely his choice, and he juggled it well.

[Anonymous]

My rising 9th grader is like this, although the specifics are different.

He's enough of a perfectionist, I imagine the point at which he finds his grades unacceptable will come before the point when I do, so I'm letting him lead.

We will see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it helps, I have a bright but not an over-achiever rising 9th grade son. He'll be doing his club sport and take high level classes. I imagine he'll join a club or two at his high school and will do volunteer work, which is required by his school.
He's a little worried about having time for his sport (6/7 days per week) and homework, so I can't imagine trying to do that and juggle a part-time job as well.

Agree. This is ridiculous. I’m dreading the day we have to tell this kid to quit his job. At least you son has the self awareness to be nervous about his schedule.

Have you thought about what your decision points will be? I haven’t figured it out yet. Is it the first bad score on a test, his grades after the first month? I don’t want the be in a situation where we’re having this fight after a bad report card.

Quitting a job is easy. Recovering a grade or several that have slipped come mid semester is the part that sometimes can’t be undone.

[Anonymous]

Can you walk him through writing out a weekly schedule of sports practice and games, how much time he spent on homework last year each weekday and weekend? I think that will quickly show there's no time for a job. I would be worried about sleep deprivation.

[Anonymous]

When does he work? It can’t be after school if he has sports everyday. Weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When does he work? It can’t be after school if he has sports everyday. Weekends?

Right now the plan would be all day Sunday and some Saturday nights. Which begs the question when does he do all of his volunteer hours? The answer is probably most holidays. I have no idea when studying or homework work will be done unless it’s after practice.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask him ... will you wish you did it differently when you don't get into your target school?

[Anonymous]

OP - you may not have to tell your DS that he has to quit his job. His sports will be every day and he won't be able to miss practice for work. So he really isn't going to be able to get hours/shifts at his job. After awhile he will either quit or his job will simply stop trying to schedule him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it helps, I have a bright but not an over-achiever rising 9th grade son. He'll be doing his club sport and take high level classes. I imagine he'll join a club or two at his high school and will do volunteer work, which is required by his school.
He's a little worried about having time for his sport (6/7 days per week) and homework, so I can't imagine trying to do that and juggle a part-time job as well.

Agree. This is ridiculous. I’m dreading the day we have to tell this kid to quit his job. At least you son has the self awareness to be nervous about his schedule.

Have you thought about what your decision points will be? I haven’t figured it out yet. Is it the first bad score on a test, his grades after the first month? I don’t want the be in a situation where we’re having this fight after a bad report card.

Quitting a job is easy. Recovering a grade or several that have slipped come mid semester is the part that sometimes can’t be undone.

+1 I'd insist that he quit the job while school is in session, absent a compelling financial reason for him to work. Academics come first, then extracurriculars, including sports. If finances are a factor, you could substitute the job for some of the extracurriculars.

I had a similarly driven kid in sports. DC managed ambitious and overlapping sports schedules. There was no work during the school year, though, and almost all volunteer work was focused on the sports. We also had to insist upon adequate rest and recovery time.

[Anonymous]

I would step back and let him figure it out. Monitor so you know what is going on and be there when he wants to talk about things.

It’s a real gift to have a kid who is ready to spread his wings while he’s in high school when there are tons of second chances and opportunities to try other approaches and get feedback from parents as needed. If this means he gets a B freshman year, that’s ok.

A lot of kids love to be busy and are also good at figuring out what thing needs to be done which day and what can be missed. My kid was often double booked but he always figured it out.

IMO colleges really do love the kids who have accomplished a lot in high school and have figured out how to contribute, create, and lead across multiple domains. (Not surprising as this is the way it is in real life too). If your kid enjoys it, that’s great.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have two DCs in college and one who has graduated. My oldest DC played three varsity sports, orchestra and leadership positions in several other clubs for all four years of HS (plus the most demanding schedule at their school for academics). They only had a summer job, but I never once considered dictating what they could or could not do. My youngest DC played two varsity sports and a club sport, took the highest academic load, was in leadership positions in student government plus several other orgs and sang in the school chorus and also was able to manage the schedule. My middle DC had a job in HS but not as many leadership type ECs. The job kept that DC organized and on task.

With all three, I made sure to lay out expectations regarding grades, but ultimately, if they don't get the grades, they don't get into the college they want. It sounds like your DC is excited about HS and that is amazing. Like the PPs above pointed out, the job may be impossible to maintain, but I'd let my DC figure that out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Why do you seem so sure he is likely to crash and burn? Maybe you are not aware with how much the typical college bound high school does and is expected to do.

I agree with monitoring grades and keeping an eye on the drop period. But honestly, one sport every season, an AP class and an extra science class don’t equal a ridiculously demanding school schedule. Volunteer work monthly is normal and to be encouraged. The job I would be iffy about depending on what it is, but it can be easily dropped if he hits Late September and cannot find his stride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When does he work? It can’t be after school if he has sports everyday. Weekends?

Right now the plan would be all day Sunday and some Saturday nights. Which begs the question when does he do all of his volunteer hours? The answer is probably most holidays. I have no idea when studying or homework work will be done unless it’s after practice.

If the work is at the library, he can likely do a lot of homework there. My local library is full of high school kids working the youth department. If he is bagging groceries or doing physically hard work without downtime to squeeze some homework time in, that’s different.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I would step back and let him figure it out. Monitor so you know what is going on and be there when he wants to talk about things.

It’s a real gift to have a kid who is ready to spread his wings while he’s in high school when there are tons of second chances and opportunities to try other approaches and get feedback from parents as needed. If this means he gets a B freshman year, that’s ok.

A lot of kids love to be busy and are also good at figuring out what thing needs to be done which day and what can be missed. My kid was often double booked but he always figured it out.

IMO colleges really do love the kids who have accomplished a lot in high school and have figured out how to contribute, create, and lead across multiple domains. (Not surprising as this is the way it is in real life too). If your kid enjoys it, that’s great.

Thanks. I get what you’re saying I just need help figuring out what are the decision points if things aren’t going well. I’m afraid that we’ll get to the end or the semester and he will have done damage to his gpa that we can’t fix. What I want to avoid is coming up with a standard on the fly. If I can give him a standard now (no tests below a B or whatever). I can get his agreement now.