Contributing to kid life events fairly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

Why does this work against you? Do you think they would give you more if your sibling also had need?

We are your sibling. My SIL could have written your post. The reality is that my ILs have a bias against her life choices, feeling she’s a bit lazy. She wouldn’t get more money even if we had the same situation.

Frankly, we’re glad SIL isn’t able to get handouts from ILs, because she discounts the many years of sacrifice involved in achieving what we have. I have literally worked every weekend since I’ve been 16 years old. We all make choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are struggling with this. They knew exactly how much they wanted to give me for my life events. But what about my sibling who doesn't want any of the life events? Sibling doesn't want to buy a home (parents offered a downpayment), doesn't want to marry, doesn't want kids. I think my parents give her double at Christmas and birthday what they give to me because I have a spouse and kids that they spend a lot on.

Your parents can still give your sibling the same money they gave you for downpayment and wedding. But if the sibling truly doesn't want it, not much they can do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

Why does this work against you? Do you think they would give you more if your sibling also had need?

We are your sibling. My SIL could have written your post. The reality is that my ILs have a bias against her life choices, feeling she’s a bit lazy. She wouldn’t get more money even if we had the same situation.

Frankly, we’re glad SIL isn’t able to get handouts from ILs, because she discounts the many years of sacrifice involved in achieving what we have. I have literally worked every weekend since I’ve been 16 years old. We all make choices.

Because unlike your SIL, I am an extremely hard worker who has a solid career at this point and makes double what my DH does, however I, unknowingly, married a man with a significant mental health disorder which at this point has slowed his career growth to a stop (or tiny crawl). I'm just thankful he HAS a job, any job. My mother has actually said to me, "I wish I could help you more but I can't because your father is fixated on keeping things even", and clearly my brother does not need anything and never will. I'm doing it, almost have my kids through college, have a great house in a wonderful area and a small 401k that will grow once the kids finish school, but there were times when it looked scary and it would have been nice to know they had my back. One such time was when my DH quit his job in a huff of anger and was unemployed for 4 months. So like I said, I will be more aware of the circumstances for my own kids, and offer help when it's needed, no matter how "fair" it is. That being said, both of my kids are doers and want to be successful, so they will not be mooching off me, and they wouldn't want to anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

Why does this work against you? Do you think they would give you more if your sibling also had need?

We are your sibling. My SIL could have written your post. The reality is that my ILs have a bias against her life choices, feeling she’s a bit lazy. She wouldn’t get more money even if we had the same situation.

Frankly, we’re glad SIL isn’t able to get handouts from ILs, because she discounts the many years of sacrifice involved in achieving what we have. I have literally worked every weekend since I’ve been 16 years old. We all make choices.

Because unlike your SIL, I am an extremely hard worker who has a solid career at this point and makes double what my DH does, however I, unknowingly, married a man with a significant mental health disorder which at this point has slowed his career growth to a stop (or tiny crawl). I'm just thankful he HAS a job, any job. My mother has actually said to me, "I wish I could help you more but I can't because your father is fixated on keeping things even", and clearly my brother does not need anything and never will. I'm doing it, almost have my kids through college, have a great house in a wonderful area and a small 401k that will grow once the kids finish school, but there were times when it looked scary and it would have been nice to know they had my back. One such time was when my DH quit his job in a huff of anger and was unemployed for 4 months. So like I said, I will be more aware of the circumstances for my own kids, and offer help when it's needed, no matter how "fair" it is. That being said, both of my kids are doers and want to be successful, so they will not be mooching off me, and they wouldn't want to anyway.

Your father isn’t helping you because he doesn’t want to. There is nothing stopping your father from giving you, say, $50,000 to get through a period of unemployment, and then turning around and doing the same for your brother, to keep it even, even though he doesn’t need it.

You should put down the hate towards your brother. Your brother has had struggles you don’t know about.

[Anonymous]

We give our kids lump sums at regular intervals-- college graduation (once they have a job lined up), certain birthdays.

They can save for retirement, invest, put it toward a house or a wedding. We don't pay for those -- it's sort of a universal income supplement that they can use according to their individual priorities

[Anonymous]

Also, I said my ILs feel SIL’s a bit lazy, not that she necessarily is.

The unwillingness to help is on your father’s shoulders and on the disempowered dynamic your mother has with your father. He clearly is preventing her from helping you, and she’s playing the victim and acting like the money is all his.

[Anonymous]

Your father also might not want to subsidize a continued marriage to a mentally ill guy. I know that I’ve seen my ILs withhold support from my SIL because they’re trying to force one issue or another with her (like her getting back to work). What they’re actually doing goes right over her head.

It is easy to dehumanize situations on message boards, but I will say that it sounds like you’ve done a very good job under difficult circumstances, so you should feel proud of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

Why does this work against you? Do you think they would give you more if your sibling also had need?

We are your sibling. My SIL could have written your post. The reality is that my ILs have a bias against her life choices, feeling she’s a bit lazy. She wouldn’t get more money even if we had the same situation.

Frankly, we’re glad SIL isn’t able to get handouts from ILs, because she discounts the many years of sacrifice involved in achieving what we have. I have literally worked every weekend since I’ve been 16 years old. We all make choices.

Because unlike your SIL, I am an extremely hard worker who has a solid career at this point and makes double what my DH does, however I, unknowingly, married a man with a significant mental health disorder which at this point has slowed his career growth to a stop (or tiny crawl). I'm just thankful he HAS a job, any job. My mother has actually said to me, "I wish I could help you more but I can't because your father is fixated on keeping things even", and clearly my brother does not need anything and never will. I'm doing it, almost have my kids through college, have a great house in a wonderful area and a small 401k that will grow once the kids finish school, but there were times when it looked scary and it would have been nice to know they had my back. One such time was when my DH quit his job in a huff of anger and was unemployed for 4 months. So like I said, I will be more aware of the circumstances for my own kids, and offer help when it's needed, no matter how "fair" it is. That being said, both of my kids are doers and want to be successful, so they will not be mooching off me, and they wouldn't want to anyway.

Your father isn’t helping you because he doesn’t want to. There is nothing stopping your father from giving you, say, $50,000 to get through a period of unemployment, and then turning around and doing the same for your brother, to keep it even, even though he doesn’t need it.

You should put down the hate towards your brother. Your brother has had struggles you don’t know about.

Leave it to DCUM to play arm chair psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father also might not want to subsidize a continued marriage to a mentally ill guy. I know that I’ve seen my ILs withhold support from my SIL because they’re trying to force one issue or another with her (like her getting back to work). What they’re actually doing goes right over her head.

It is easy to dehumanize situations on message boards, but I will say that it sounds like you’ve done a very good job under difficult circumstances, so you should feel proud of that.

Thank you. I am but I worry every single day that the house of cards I’ve built will fall. Now that the kids are older, it will be at least be easier to deal with if it does however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

Why does this work against you? Do you think they would give you more if your sibling also had need?

We are your sibling. My SIL could have written your post. The reality is that my ILs have a bias against her life choices, feeling she’s a bit lazy. She wouldn’t get more money even if we had the same situation.

Frankly, we’re glad SIL isn’t able to get handouts from ILs, because she discounts the many years of sacrifice involved in achieving what we have. I have literally worked every weekend since I’ve been 16 years old. We all make choices.

Because unlike your SIL, I am an extremely hard worker who has a solid career at this point and makes double what my DH does, however I, unknowingly, married a man with a significant mental health disorder which at this point has slowed his career growth to a stop (or tiny crawl). I'm just thankful he HAS a job, any job. My mother has actually said to me, "I wish I could help you more but I can't because your father is fixated on keeping things even", and clearly my brother does not need anything and never will. I'm doing it, almost have my kids through college, have a great house in a wonderful area and a small 401k that will grow once the kids finish school, but there were times when it looked scary and it would have been nice to know they had my back. One such time was when my DH quit his job in a huff of anger and was unemployed for 4 months. So like I said, I will be more aware of the circumstances for my own kids, and offer help when it's needed, no matter how "fair" it is. That being said, both of my kids are doers and want to be successful, so they will not be mooching off me, and they wouldn't want to anyway.

Good for your father. And how would you know what your sibling needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

Why does this work against you? Do you think they would give you more if your sibling also had need?

We are your sibling. My SIL could have written your post. The reality is that my ILs have a bias against her life choices, feeling she’s a bit lazy. She wouldn’t get more money even if we had the same situation.

Frankly, we’re glad SIL isn’t able to get handouts from ILs, because she discounts the many years of sacrifice involved in achieving what we have. I have literally worked every weekend since I’ve been 16 years old. We all make choices.

Because unlike your SIL, I am an extremely hard worker who has a solid career at this point and makes double what my DH does, however I, unknowingly, married a man with a significant mental health disorder which at this point has slowed his career growth to a stop (or tiny crawl). I'm just thankful he HAS a job, any job. My mother has actually said to me, "I wish I could help you more but I can't because your father is fixated on keeping things even", and clearly my brother does not need anything and never will. I'm doing it, almost have my kids through college, have a great house in a wonderful area and a small 401k that will grow once the kids finish school, but there were times when it looked scary and it would have been nice to know they had my back. One such time was when my DH quit his job in a huff of anger and was unemployed for 4 months. So like I said, I will be more aware of the circumstances for my own kids, and offer help when it's needed, no matter how "fair" it is. That being said, both of my kids are doers and want to be successful, so they will not be mooching off me, and they wouldn't want to anyway.

Good for your father. And how would you know what your sibling needs?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

Why does this work against you? Do you think they would give you more if your sibling also had need?

We are your sibling. My SIL could have written your post. The reality is that my ILs have a bias against her life choices, feeling she’s a bit lazy. She wouldn’t get more money even if we had the same situation.

Frankly, we’re glad SIL isn’t able to get handouts from ILs, because she discounts the many years of sacrifice involved in achieving what we have. I have literally worked every weekend since I’ve been 16 years old. We all make choices.

Because unlike your SIL, I am an extremely hard worker who has a solid career at this point and makes double what my DH does, however I, unknowingly, married a man with a significant mental health disorder which at this point has slowed his career growth to a stop (or tiny crawl). I'm just thankful he HAS a job, any job. My mother has actually said to me, "I wish I could help you more but I can't because your father is fixated on keeping things even", and clearly my brother does not need anything and never will. I'm doing it, almost have my kids through college, have a great house in a wonderful area and a small 401k that will grow once the kids finish school, but there were times when it looked scary and it would have been nice to know they had my back. One such time was when my DH quit his job in a huff of anger and was unemployed for 4 months. So like I said, I will be more aware of the circumstances for my own kids, and offer help when it's needed, no matter how "fair" it is. That being said, both of my kids are doers and want to be successful, so they will not be mooching off me, and they wouldn't want to anyway.

Your father isn’t helping you because he doesn’t want to. There is nothing stopping your father from giving you, say, $50,000 to get through a period of unemployment, and then turning around and doing the same for your brother, to keep it even, even though he doesn’t need it.

You should put down the hate towards your brother. Your brother has had struggles you don’t know about.

Leave it to DCUM to play arm chair psychologist.

Isn't that what DCUM is for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

So you think you are entitled to more than your sibling because you work part time and your sibling does not? Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

So you think you are entitled to more than your sibling because you work part time and your sibling does not? Seriously?

You’re on a site called Moms and you don’t know what a family is?

[Anonymous]

I think my parents give evenly but honestly they don’t do that much in the way of cash giving. I don’t think they contributed significantly to any of our weddings or down payments (financially) nor do they contribute to my children’s education (my niece is already through college and I don’t think they paid for any of her education either). But they give incredibly generously to all of us of their time and patience. They hosted one wedding reception in their back yard, personally created every flower arrangement for another, provide days of free childcare when I travel for work, took care of my sister’s cat for two years when her landlord refused to allowed her to have a pet, moved in with my other sister for a month when she had knee surgery and her husband was out of country, the list goes on. They don’t do the same things for each of us but we need different things.