Contributing to kid life events fairly

[Anonymous]

Question for parents of adult kids: what is your system for contributing to your kid’s big life events in a way that is fair (assuming you can afford to and would like to)? Example life events: wedding, showers, first home purchase, grandkids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Well, my parents just contributed to their favorite child and by comparison gave scraps to the others.

[Anonymous]

In my family the needier/less put together kids get more.

[Anonymous]

My parents gifted $30k to each kid for down payment help (which was amazing). They also gave us each the same lump sum towards education (one of us used it all for undergrad, the other took a scholarship and used it all on grad school).

No help with weddings/showers/kids.

[Anonymous]

We don't keep spreadsheets of who gets how much. This applies to things like weddings, showers, grandkid presents, etc. For example, if one grandkid wants an AG doll for her birthday and the other one wants a $15 stuffed animal, there is no truing up. However, for things like first car and first home, each child got approximately the same amount. We also contribute to the grandkids' 529s. So in a way, our son "get's more" because he has more children than our daughter.

[Anonymous]

My parents gave me nothing. First year we had house we miscalculated taxes and they loaned us $5K to be paid back at $500/ month. One month the mail was delayed and they became vengeful.

[Anonymous]

BTW I was an only child ^

[Anonymous]

Fair does not mean equal. One kid got married and money was given towards the wedding. One kid is pushing 50 and unmarried so hasn't been given wedding money since it's not needed.

[Anonymous]

I would not contribute to a wedding at all aside from maybe a dress. Our family does not do weddings for the most part. Would contribute evenly to a down payment for both kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fair does not mean equal. One kid got married and money was given towards the wedding. One kid is pushing 50 and unmarried so hasn't been given wedding money since it's not needed.

In that case, I would have given both kids $X towards first home and wedding. They can use it however they see fit
Similarly, if one kid wanted a huge wedding and other wanted a go to the courthouse wedding, I'd give both $Y and whatever they don't use they get to keep

[Anonymous]

Not there yet with kids, but my parents gave a lump sum (75k) to all kids when the first got engaged. You could use it all for a wedding (first opted for this and adding own funds), you could use it for a down-payment (second opted), you could invest it, use it for further education, use it for a smaller wedding and honeymoon (3rd kid), whatever. They didn't want anyone to feel like things were unfair or for money to be a point of contention between siblings. I think it's worked well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my parents just contributed to their favorite child and by comparison gave scraps to the others.

Same here. I got the scraps. Now I get nothing and they get everything.

[Anonymous]

Each of my daughter's have different needs so helping them has looked different for each.

For example my oldest daughter I buy my grandsons clothes, sneakers etc because I like to do that for them because the boys are becoming older and want Jordan's, nike etc, so it eases the burden on her.

My middle daughter we ask nothing of her financially, and she doesn't contribute at all to the house even though she still lives here, which allows her to save money to travel, etc.

My youngest is only 18, and she's benefited the most as we are now better off than when the older 2 was her age, so she gets much nicer items bought for her.

[Anonymous]

My parents paid for both of our college educations, though my siblings was less $ due to a scholarship. They have not given us anything else other then paying for my wedding as is traditional. They are very aware of being even, which works against because because my sibling is a multi millionaire and I stayed home and worked PT to raise my kids. They don’t give anything really to the grandkids other than normal presents and they did $500 per kid on HS graduation.

I personally will consider the circumstances before holding to such a strict evenness focus.

[Anonymous]

My parents are struggling with this. They knew exactly how much they wanted to give me for my life events. But what about my sibling who doesn't want any of the life events? Sibling doesn't want to buy a home (parents offered a downpayment), doesn't want to marry, doesn't want kids. I think my parents give her double at Christmas and birthday what they give to me because I have a spouse and kids that they spend a lot on.