Moving parent to the DMV for assisted living?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My now 82 year old mother moved from the middle of PA in the back of beyond to McLean, VA to a continuing care community in the fall of 2022. It was a giant pain to clean out her big house and deal with decades of crap, and it was also a giant pain to figure out finances, sell her house, do the application for the CCRC, etc.

That said, our only regret (my mom and my siblings and me) is that the move didn't happen sooner. She has a new lease on life with her new community and has made so many great friends. She's even dating! She was so isolated before, and now she is surrounded by people and has everything she needs on site (a clinic, a hairdresser, a gym, PT, a short-term rehab center, a library, several places to eat, and so many activities she can't keep up). She's actually less needy than before because she's getting her social needs met where she lives and not relying on me or my siblings to visit or spend time on the phone every day. There is assisted living and memory care onsite if the need arises. Her apartment is cute and gets cleaned as part of the resident services so she's only surrounded by the stuff she really loves and everything is so much cleaner than before in her big house.

Yes, her new friends die but that would happen no matter where she lives.

There are so many excellent health care providers and facilities to choose from (and she is diabetic and needed back surgery). Her medical care has improved 100%.

I'm in MD about 10 miles away and my siblings are both in NYC. It's so much easier for them to visit now because they don't have to drive -- they can fly or take the train.

I definitely agree that you should discuss with your dad, investigate CCRCs, and make any move that works out sooner rather than later.

+1 if you do make the move, consider a continuing care community. My grandparents moved from another area into one in their 80s and are now 95 and 97, made it until very recently in independent living there (probably rare, it was partially because they had each other) but they made friends, had the support they needed, had access to assisted living and nursing home care when needed (some big changes recently). I think we all think it was a great decision, though it is a very expensive one...

[Anonymous]

I should say, though it is expensive most elder care is expensive. it is kind of the name of the game. So, if able to afford it it seems pretty fantastic.

[Anonymous]

It will only get harder if he is further from you especially if there is a progressive illness.

[Anonymous]

From the other side of things: I moved my mom into an Assisted living facility where she lives in Florida and it's a PITA- I'm flying down there all the time and having to rent a car to do doctors appointments because she doesn't give correct information when she does them on her own and I'm managing all of her care from here. It seems like now it would be too overwhelming for her to move and change all of her doctors etc...but if i could go back in time I wish I had moved her to the DC area. She was insistent that she didn't want to leave where she is because of her friends but as her disease has progressed and she can't do the things her friends used to do with her, they aren't really there for her (I never expected them to be but I think she had different expectations) and now a LOT is on me to travel to Florida at the drop of a hat.

[Anonymous]

I did it and am glad I did. My parent was in a higher cost area so DC was actually cheaper. We have no complaints with where she lives and I like having her close by (most of the time). They have a doctor who visits her at assisted living and we are not taking her to the hospital because she does not want any steps taken to prolong her life so it is not a lot of extra work for me.

[Anonymous]

One plus - this separates their eventual passing from the need to clean out their home and put it on the market. So glad that's not in my future.

If there's money consider Virginia, which has the best estate tax situation of the three (I think, happy to be corrected.)

[Anonymous]

Men who move into elder housing are in the minority. And will not be isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's way too expensive to do that.

How do you know his financial situation? Plenty of people do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One plus - this separates their eventual passing from the need to clean out their home and put it on the market. So glad that's not in my future.

If there's money consider Virginia, which has the best estate tax situation of the three (I think, happy to be corrected.)

I can tell you that it makes the situation better but you still have to clean out their assisted living room(s) when the time comes. Took me a week, and it was harder doing it while I was sad.