Moving parent to the DMV for assisted living?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have any advice about moving a parent to the DMV for assisted living? My father is soon going to need some solution, and while staying in his rural town in the Midwest makes sense on some grounds (familiarity with the people, continued medical care from practitioners he knows, and a major cost difference), having him out here would have the advantage of him being nearer to us (he is 84, my youngest is a high school freshman).

I was just wondering how it has been with those who have been there and done that. Any advice or things to watch for?

[Anonymous]

It's way too expensive to do that.

[Anonymous]

Does your father want to move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your father want to move?

He is lonely. Whether that can be cured by being closer to us or being closer to others his age is unknown. He was doing fine with his own community of friends, but they are passing away month by month such that there really aren't that many of his close friends left anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your father want to move?

He is lonely. Whether that can be cured by being closer to us or being closer to others his age is unknown. He was doing fine with his own community of friends, but they are passing away month by month such that there really aren't that many of his close friends left anymore.

I should note he has never said he is lonely, but it is just something we sense.

[Anonymous]

I did it ten years ago. It was a huge PITA.

If the scenario is that dad doesn't want to do it, and will resist you, then it's going to be tough.

But if he wants to move closer, or has no choice in the matter, it's a different story.

Some points to consider:
- you will want an advance medical directive for him
- you will need a POA and control of his finances (which can really go off the rails when people are old) to include visibility into his bank accounts, retirement accounts, and credit cards
- you will need to declutter and sell his house which could take weeks, and you have to be there to do it
- the assisted living will have some kind of interview / assessment to determine what level of care he needs (which will determine how much he will pay)
- if he has pets then you need to find out the facility policy about them

[Anonymous]

In addition to the good points made by 15:29, here are my observations.
1. It is very expensive to move from a low cost of living area to the DMV. So financially it is challenging.
2. If he is lonely, moving him here will not fix that unless he is an extreme extrovert, and if he were already an extrovert, then he likely wouldn't be lonely. My MIL moved her 7 years ago and I question whether it was the right decision. She wasn't old enough, or in poor health, so she moved to a condo (as opposed to a seniors community) but she has never made any friends, joined a church or gotten involved in any of the activities she participated in back in her hometown, where she had an active group of friends and social life. We are essentially her social life but DH and I both work full time and our kids are all older teens/college. I feel badly about that and wonder now if she might have been better off moving into some type of seniors community back in her hometown.
3. My mother had no interest in moving here and, following a medical event, had to move to an seniors facility (has continuity of care---she is currently in her own apartment but could be moved to assisted living). She has developed a new friend group there since she no longer drives and is much happier remaining there than she would ever be up here. We have discussed what should be done if she becomes mentally incapacitated through dementia, e.g., and in that instance I probably would move her here and she is okay with that. The downside to her remaining there is that I travel a lot more frequently to visit her (which involves flying, renting a car, etc. so it is expensive and time-consuming for me) and holidays are hard.

It really depends on his personality and his finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it ten years ago. It was a huge PITA.

If the scenario is that dad doesn't want to do it, and will resist you, then it's going to be tough.

But if he wants to move closer, or has no choice in the matter, it's a different story.

Some points to consider:
- you will want an advance medical directive for him
- you will need a POA and control of his finances (which can really go off the rails when people are old) to include visibility into his bank accounts, retirement accounts, and credit cards
- you will need to declutter and sell his house which could take weeks, and you have to be there to do it
- the assisted living will have some kind of interview / assessment to determine what level of care he needs (which will determine how much he will pay)
- if he has pets then you need to find out the facility policy about them

For what it’s worth, the PITA part will be there at some point anyway when the house and all belongings have to go.

[Anonymous]

My MIL considered but the COL was just too high and she realized she didn’t want to leave what community she did have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your father want to move?

He is lonely. Whether that can be cured by being closer to us or being closer to others his age is unknown. He was doing fine with his own community of friends, but they are passing away month by month such that there really aren't that many of his close friends left anymore.

I should note he has never said he is lonely, but it is just something we sense.

np You should talk to him first

[Anonymous]

I've been looking into continuing care communities for my parents. They are already local so the increase in cost of living is not a factor. I would 100% go with one of these communities rather than a condo. I've been very impressed with some we've seen and I wish my parents had moved into one several years ago. They really have a lot going on and it seems like a good social outlet for someone new to the area (or in my parents case a lot of their friends have dies in the past year and they need some new ones).

[Anonymous]

My friend recently moved a parent to the area for the same reasons and it is working out well so far. Having family be able to visit easily now has outweighed the negatives of the move. The age 80s are rough dealing with their own health limitations and crises and with friends dying left and right. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your father want to move?

He is lonely. Whether that can be cured by being closer to us or being closer to others his age is unknown. He was doing fine with his own community of friends, but they are passing away month by month such that there really aren't that many of his close friends left anymore.

I should note he has never said he is lonely, but it is just something we sense.

np You should talk to him first

OP might be gathering information before bringing it up which isn’t a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Also, keep in mind he may expect you to be his entire life and the neediness can drain you. I say this as someone who had a very independent parent and didn't expect that. If you moving him to assistant living, visit, but not so frequently that you enable him to stay stuck. Allow him to have some discomfort so he will make new friends.Remind yourself that using social skills with new people (as opposed to your family where you don't have to be on your best) exercises his brain. New friends will contribute to good health and longevity. Don't be surprised if he tries to guilt and shame you even if that wasn't his thing before. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My now 82 year old mother moved from the middle of PA in the back of beyond to McLean, VA to a continuing care community in the fall of 2022. It was a giant pain to clean out her big house and deal with decades of crap, and it was also a giant pain to figure out finances, sell her house, do the application for the CCRC, etc.

That said, our only regret (my mom and my siblings and me) is that the move didn't happen sooner. She has a new lease on life with her new community and has made so many great friends. She's even dating! She was so isolated before, and now she is surrounded by people and has everything she needs on site (a clinic, a hairdresser, a gym, PT, a short-term rehab center, a library, several places to eat, and so many activities she can't keep up). She's actually less needy than before because she's getting her social needs met where she lives and not relying on me or my siblings to visit or spend time on the phone every day. There is assisted living and memory care onsite if the need arises. Her apartment is cute and gets cleaned as part of the resident services so she's only surrounded by the stuff she really loves and everything is so much cleaner than before in her big house.

Yes, her new friends die but that would happen no matter where she lives.

There are so many excellent health care providers and facilities to choose from (and she is diabetic and needed back surgery). Her medical care has improved 100%.

I'm in MD about 10 miles away and my siblings are both in NYC. It's so much easier for them to visit now because they don't have to drive -- they can fly or take the train.

I definitely agree that you should discuss with your dad, investigate CCRCs, and make any move that works out sooner rather than later.