Family friends stay friends as they grow up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, i think kids can grow apart.

My kids are ones who think fondly of their childhood friends so I have taken them to some group gatherings that happened recently only to have the other teens on their phones the whole time texting and snappng with their actual friends.

I didn't expect them to be best friends but I thought they could at least exchange a few words to show interest in someone they used to be close to.

I told my kids after that experience that they didn't have to come any more to these gatherings.

What is your definition of "growing apart?" In my experience friendships have only dissolved for a major reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My definition of family friend is different.

Our family friends are friends WE had before we had kids. When we all had kids, we continued those friendships, which were based on liking each other and commonalties totally outside of our kids. Our kids ended up spanning ages and they are more like cousins than anything else. We all live in this general area but they don't go to school together. Do they love each other every minute? Did you love all your cousins? Maybe not. But they are relationships they've had in their life the whole time and it ebbs and flows. Yes as they grow into teen years they don't always participate in everything we do as a group and that is also totally fine.

Yup, that's us too. Our closest, longtime friends are like family, and our kids are like cousins. They'll always be close, even if they go months without seeing one another. OTOH, we have good more recent friends who also have kids, and there's less of a bond amongst them, especially in the cases with big age gaps. They'll all hang together on the rare occasion when we plan, say, a holiday party-- but it wouldn't be their choice. And that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, i think kids can grow apart.

My kids are ones who think fondly of their childhood friends so I have taken them to some group gatherings that happened recently only to have the other teens on their phones the whole time texting and snappng with their actual friends.

I didn't expect them to be best friends but I thought they could at least exchange a few words to show interest in someone they used to be close to.

I told my kids after that experience that they didn't have to come any more to these gatherings.

Phones are terrible for this. I'm a PP who grew up with a lot of family friends and we all interacted even if we kids weren't BFFs. Playing games, even watching a movie together is a collective activity. Being in touch with people outside your physical ambit 24/7 is corrosive in so many ways and yours is just one example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, i think kids can grow apart.

My kids are ones who think fondly of their childhood friends so I have taken them to some group gatherings that happened recently only to have the other teens on their phones the whole time texting and snappng with their actual friends.

I didn't expect them to be best friends but I thought they could at least exchange a few words to show interest in someone they used to be close to.

I told my kids after that experience that they didn't have to come any more to these gatherings.

What is your definition of "growing apart?" In my experience friendships have only dissolved for a major reason.

Really, the other kids just aren't interested in anyone who is not constantly in their world (school, activities, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, i think kids can grow apart.

My kids are ones who think fondly of their childhood friends so I have taken them to some group gatherings that happened recently only to have the other teens on their phones the whole time texting and snappng with their actual friends.

I didn't expect them to be best friends but I thought they could at least exchange a few words to show interest in someone they used to be close to.

I told my kids after that experience that they didn't have to come any more to these gatherings.

What is your definition of "growing apart?" In my experience friendships have only dissolved for a major reason.

NP -- this definitely doesn't apply to childhood friendships unless you are talking about very close best friends. The vast majority of childhood friendships kind of come and go based on interests and whether you're in the same class or homeroom or whatever.

And this was true when I was a kid too. I had a friend group of three other friends all through middle school and I spent most of my free time at school and after school with those three girls. Then in high school two of them went out for cross country and track and one of them decided to attend a magnet art high school and I did theater and speech and debate. We literally never hung out as a foursome again. But there were zero bad feelings and in fact a few years ago we got back in touch via Instagram in part because two of us were pregnant at the same time and now we occasionally text or share memes via a group chat. I really like them as people but our lives just went in different directions and we stopped hanging out. No falling out.

Same thing for my kids. Friendship in childhood usually requires both commonality and proximity and sometimes you lose one or both of those things and you drift apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can happen. But it’s quite typical for the parents to stay friends as the kids move into different, new friend groups as they age.

This is very true. But, our kids are always happy to see their childhood friends even if they have moved on. That’s very normal.

[Anonymous]

No, all of the friendships, kids and adults, have totally fizzled. I will say that my mom and my best friend's mom from middle school are still very close to this day, and I consider her dd my forever friend, so it can happen. We just haven't see this for ourselves/our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My definition of family friend is different.

Our family friends are friends WE had before we had kids. When we all had kids, we continued those friendships, which were based on liking each other and commonalties totally outside of our kids. Our kids ended up spanning ages and they are more like cousins than anything else. We all live in this general area but they don't go to school together. Do they love each other every minute? Did you love all your cousins? Maybe not. But they are relationships they've had in their life the whole time and it ebbs and flows. Yes as they grow into teen years they don't always participate in everything we do as a group and that is also totally fine.

+1 exact same situation here. I think these friendships have more longevity in part because we never viewed our kids as needing to be close or to get most of their socializing from these friends. Again they are like cousins -- they hang out together when the adults get together and there's an age range but the kids are different and their differences are fine. Also we don't get together with these friends all the time. Though we're all local we live in different neighborhoods and our kids attend different schools. We see each of these sets of friends maybe 4-5x a year. Occasionally we travel together.

I think the problem with friends you make through your kids is that there is often this expectation that the families will be in lock step together in terms of schools and activities and holidays. I like that with these other families those expectations don't exist and I think it keep things more mellow and easier. I also think the fact that our kids are of various ages and in different schools and activities means there's less competition and direct comparison. It also gives the kids the opportunity to learn from each other because their varying ages and experiences mean they all bring something slightly different to the table. Again like cousins.

Yes this is also my definition of "family friend." Growing up we had a group of families we met with almost weekly. All fairly local but different schools, all had kids but ages were a spread. This wasn't parents getting together for a playdate but parents getting together as friends and we kids were expected to entertain ourselves or each other. My parents were immigrants and these families were from the same region.

We stayed in pretty close touch through HS/college - definitely got competitive at times. As adults we've gone to each other's weddings. I'm not in close touch with others but would happily socialize if local. A bunch of th "kids" live in NYC as adults and they do still get together.

This was definitely the Indian American experience of the 80s. Can't say I really liked it or am close to those "kids" now. Parents HAD to see each other all the time because they were each others' safety net in a new country, so after having been in a new world with white people all week at work, on the weekends it was time for Indian food and gossip with the friends they immigrated with and thus had known since HS/college age (or the people they invited weren't their original friends who may have been back in India but their friend's brother or cousin or whomever from back home who had ended up immigrating and living 20 miles away). Yeah it was competitive because well . . . Indians. So grades, college, etc. and then over time as the parents become well off it was all about who upgraded to a luxury home or luxury car. Can't say I ever once reached out to any of these "kids" on my own. I stayed the hell away. Not that they weren't nice kids, they were. Had I met them myself independently thru school, we may have been friends. But the overlay of knowing each other's parents made them not real friendships because ANYTHING you'd say to said friend was 100% gonna be repeated back to their parents and then their parents would ask your parents as if they deserved an answer. So Vishal told my boy Rohit that he hates biology or isn't going to med school or has a girlfriend or didn't get into an ivy or is gay - IS THAT TRUE??

I did get invited to all their weddings but that's only bc Indians throw 500+ person weddings and the invites were for my parents' family, not bc they independently wanted me there as a friend. There's literally 1 of these friends I text with occasionally as an adult and that's only bc she ended up in the same profession as me but is 5 yrs younger so she uses me as a sounding board.

[Anonymous]

We’re very fortunate; DH and I have family friends of almost 15 years and our DC’s have become best friends and college roommates.

My late mom had a lifelong best friend from early elementary school and we were rolled into the BFF’s family. Through them, I had an “aunt/uncle/cousins.” I just spent a weekend away attending the wedding of my “cousin’s cousin so this friendship is continuing into three generations and it’s the entire family including the BFF’s siblings.

[Anonymous]

We had three other families that were friends with growing up. It was mainly the moms that were close and drove the interactions. I think they met when the older kids started preschool. 8 of the 12 kids were in a 4 year age span. I remember spending time at each other’s houses and doing group outings, thru elementary school, but then the organized kid interaction faded off.

The moms still got together and some of the girls were friends thru high school, but I was mainly acquaintances with the other kids by then. It was no big deal. I’m fb friends with some of them and would meet up if we were in the same place. One of the moms had a bad divorce, moved and dropped contact, but the other 3 moms are still close 40+ years later.

I’d love to have made some similar friends when my kids were younger!

[Anonymous]

I stayed acquaintances with family friends, but not actual friends. As an adult my mom will fill me in on these peoples lives, and if we cross paths we are friendly. But I don't go out of my way to see them. I remember in my 20s my mom tried to push me to hang out with a few of her friends daughters that i grew up with and it was just awkward. We didnt have anything in common besides our parents being friends. And thats fine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed acquaintances with family friends, but not actual friends. As an adult my mom will fill me in on these peoples lives, and if we cross paths we are friendly. But I don't go out of my way to see them. I remember in my 20s my mom tried to push me to hang out with a few of her friends daughters that i grew up with and it was just awkward. We didnt have anything in common besides our parents being friends. And thats fine!

It is fine, imo, it's just a shame that so many of these friendships dissolve.