Family friends stay friends as they grow up?

[Anonymous]

When my kids were young, we made many family friends. The kids played together when they were toddlers, in preschool and early elementary. When Covid happened, my kids were in elementary and now they are in middle and high school. Their own friendships have shifted multiple times and still changing. They no longer want to see or hang out with our family friends. Our adult friends still want to get together but none of the teens are friends.

Do your kids stay friends with your family friends?

When I was a kid, I felt my parents were always comparing me to their family friends. The kids were not really friends but we grew up knowing one another. I recently saw an old family friend and thought both the mom and daughter were as annoying as I remember. The mom always boasted about her daughter.

[Anonymous]

I think that they can, we did with ours growing and we are actually still friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that they can, we did with ours growing and we are actually still friends.

Many of our friends who we befriended in our early thirties seem to have divorced or their marriages are rocky. Kids go to different schools, have different interests, etc. Everyone is busy with their own sports and activities. Whole family gatherings are basically impossible and no longer attempted since families have other commitments with dance, tennis, soccer, baseball, gymnastics, swim, basketball, travel, etc.

[Anonymous]

It can happen. But it’s quite typical for the parents to stay friends as the kids move into different, new friend groups as they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that they can, we did with ours growing and we are actually still friends.

Many of our friends who we befriended in our early thirties seem to have divorced or their marriages are rocky. Kids go to different schools, have different interests, etc. Everyone is busy with their own sports and activities. Whole family gatherings are basically impossible and no longer attempted since families have other commitments with dance, tennis, soccer, baseball, gymnastics, swim, basketball, travel, etc.

I understand that, but I don't think that different schools, interests, other friends automatically mean the death of a lifelong friendship, especially as young as middle school. I think I'd encourage my child to hang on to these friendships.

[Anonymous]

I think it happens more than you think op. I don't think it can be forced, but I always find it a bit odd when kids drop good friends that they've known for so long. But, maybe it's because I didn't experience this growing up.

[Anonymous]

My definition of family friend is different.

Our family friends are friends WE had before we had kids. When we all had kids, we continued those friendships, which were based on liking each other and commonalties totally outside of our kids. Our kids ended up spanning ages and they are more like cousins than anything else. We all live in this general area but they don't go to school together. Do they love each other every minute? Did you love all your cousins? Maybe not. But they are relationships they've had in their life the whole time and it ebbs and flows. Yes as they grow into teen years they don't always participate in everything we do as a group and that is also totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it happens more than you think op. I don't think it can be forced, but I always find it a bit odd when kids drop good friends that they've known for so long. But, maybe it's because I didn't experience this growing up.

I think the reality if they are in the same school is that they are different social status/groups at school and kids care a lot about that stuff in middle school and early high school in particular. It's easier if they don't see each other at school every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My definition of family friend is different.

Our family friends are friends WE had before we had kids. When we all had kids, we continued those friendships, which were based on liking each other and commonalties totally outside of our kids. Our kids ended up spanning ages and they are more like cousins than anything else. We all live in this general area but they don't go to school together. Do they love each other every minute? Did you love all your cousins? Maybe not. But they are relationships they've had in their life the whole time and it ebbs and flows. Yes as they grow into teen years they don't always participate in everything we do as a group and that is also totally fine.

+1 exact same situation here. I think these friendships have more longevity in part because we never viewed our kids as needing to be close or to get most of their socializing from these friends. Again they are like cousins -- they hang out together when the adults get together and there's an age range but the kids are different and their differences are fine. Also we don't get together with these friends all the time. Though we're all local we live in different neighborhoods and our kids attend different schools. We see each of these sets of friends maybe 4-5x a year. Occasionally we travel together.

I think the problem with friends you make through your kids is that there is often this expectation that the families will be in lock step together in terms of schools and activities and holidays. I like that with these other families those expectations don't exist and I think it keep things more mellow and easier. I also think the fact that our kids are of various ages and in different schools and activities means there's less competition and direct comparison. It also gives the kids the opportunity to learn from each other because their varying ages and experiences mean they all bring something slightly different to the table. Again like cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it happens more than you think op. I don't think it can be forced, but I always find it a bit odd when kids drop good friends that they've known for so long. But, maybe it's because I didn't experience this growing up.

I think the reality if they are in the same school is that they are different social status/groups at school and kids care a lot about that stuff in middle school and early high school in particular. It's easier if they don't see each other at school every day.

+1. We have actually stayed family friends with a family whose child left for a different school. Our kids aren’t always close, but they still hang out when the families get together.

[Anonymous]

My kids are still little but I will warn you that I HATED the kids that my parents FORCED me to be "friends" with when I was teen. They were horrible. Don't force your kids to be friends with your friends kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are still little but I will warn you that I HATED the kids that my parents FORCED me to be "friends" with when I was teen. They were horrible. Don't force your kids to be friends with your friends kids.

Wow, I'm so sorry that was your experience, but I don't think that's everyone's experience. Did you always hate those kids or just as a teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it happens more than you think op. I don't think it can be forced, but I always find it a bit odd when kids drop good friends that they've known for so long. But, maybe it's because I didn't experience this growing up.

I think the reality if they are in the same school is that they are different social status/groups at school and kids care a lot about that stuff in middle school and early high school in particular. It's easier if they don't see each other at school every day.

+1. We have actually stayed family friends with a family whose child left for a different school. Our kids aren’t always close, but they still hang out when the families get together.

I feel like that's great actually. As long as the friendships don't dissolve entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My definition of family friend is different.

Our family friends are friends WE had before we had kids. When we all had kids, we continued those friendships, which were based on liking each other and commonalties totally outside of our kids. Our kids ended up spanning ages and they are more like cousins than anything else. We all live in this general area but they don't go to school together. Do they love each other every minute? Did you love all your cousins? Maybe not. But they are relationships they've had in their life the whole time and it ebbs and flows. Yes as they grow into teen years they don't always participate in everything we do as a group and that is also totally fine.

+1 exact same situation here. I think these friendships have more longevity in part because we never viewed our kids as needing to be close or to get most of their socializing from these friends. Again they are like cousins -- they hang out together when the adults get together and there's an age range but the kids are different and their differences are fine. Also we don't get together with these friends all the time. Though we're all local we live in different neighborhoods and our kids attend different schools. We see each of these sets of friends maybe 4-5x a year. Occasionally we travel together.

I think the problem with friends you make through your kids is that there is often this expectation that the families will be in lock step together in terms of schools and activities and holidays. I like that with these other families those expectations don't exist and I think it keep things more mellow and easier. I also think the fact that our kids are of various ages and in different schools and activities means there's less competition and direct comparison. It also gives the kids the opportunity to learn from each other because their varying ages and experiences mean they all bring something slightly different to the table. Again like cousins.

Yes this is also my definition of "family friend." Growing up we had a group of families we met with almost weekly. All fairly local but different schools, all had kids but ages were a spread. This wasn't parents getting together for a playdate but parents getting together as friends and we kids were expected to entertain ourselves or each other. My parents were immigrants and these families were from the same region.

We stayed in pretty close touch through HS/college - definitely got competitive at times. As adults we've gone to each other's weddings. I'm not in close touch with others but would happily socialize if local. A bunch of th "kids" live in NYC as adults and they do still get together.

[Anonymous]

No, i think kids can grow apart.

My kids are ones who think fondly of their childhood friends so I have taken them to some group gatherings that happened recently only to have the other teens on their phones the whole time texting and snappng with their actual friends.

I didn't expect them to be best friends but I thought they could at least exchange a few words to show interest in someone they used to be close to.

I told my kids after that experience that they didn't have to come any more to these gatherings.