Adult Sibling with mental issues living with Elderly parent - Help

[Anonymous]

Yeah it's really hard to get someone hospitalized, especially beyond 24-72 hours. Give up on that.

Is your mom mentally competent?

[Anonymous]

It’s not for everyone but I would call the police and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello,
My mom lives in Georgia with my sibling (50 years old). My sister has mental illness and it is getting worse. A neighbor called me tonight saying that they can hear my sister screaming at my mom but also talking about things that are not real. The neighbor called the mental crisis line but when they called my mom back to let her know they were coming, my mom canceled the crisis unit from coming out. I live here.

I believe my sister needs to be hospitalized, get on medication and continued therapy. Does anyone know how I start this process because my sister will not do this willingly.

Do I need to find a family lawyer in Georgia?

Just trying to figure out what I need to do.

Do you know for sure that your sister has mental illness?

[Anonymous]

You have stated that your sister will not do this willingly. In that case the only way for this to occur is for her to be taken into custody by the police where she would be taken to the mental wing of hospital to be admitted against her will. This can only be done if she is clearly a threat to herself or others. In Ffx Co you can go to the magistrate to have police with special mental health training go to the house. Ffx also has a moblie crisis unit which is a big crapshoot as to whether they have any availability. You should google the county she lives in in GA to see what information is available. You can always call 911... but you are not in control of how they police engage with your sister and potentially escalate it into a less than desirable situation.

If you are trying to have her involuntarily committed so that she can get the help she needs, you need to be able to very clearly communicate the danger she poses to herself or others. Be steadfast and know that this could truly save your sisters life and set her on a much better path. But it is extraordinarily difficult when you are in the midst of it.

Because of the complexities, this is not something you can do from afar. You need to go down there, assess the situation, and forge a path forward.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this thread is my future. Not for my own parents but for my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law. DH agrees but we feel powerless. She has asked BIL to move out several times but he is basically squatting in her house at this point. She even got him an apartment elsewhere and told him she would pay for it if he paid utilities (housing is extremely cheap where they live and she has a pension which is why she can afford this BUT she shouldn't have to -- he has a job and is able to work he just doesn't like it and no one knows where his money goes). He will move into the apartment for a few days and then rebound back to his mom's claiming some issue that prevents him from staying in the apartment (we have been there and there is nothing wrong with it except the fact that he has never unpacked his boxes or procured any furniture beyond a bed and a chair).

He has mental health issue and has been in treatment for a while. However I think the diagnosis is either incorrect or that needs to be diagnosed. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and depression and anxiety though he claims his depression is resolved. Sometimes I do think he might be getting better but when we visited two weeks ago I really felt he had regressed. And even when his mood is more stable this thing with him refusing to move out of his mom's house is so stressful.

It is clear she is afraid to stand up to him but feels desperate for a resolution. We don't know how to help her. She asked my DH to speak to his brother recently but that went very poorly -- BIL gets very angry at the idea of his "little brother" telling or asking anything of him. BIL also has this idea of himself as the patriarch of the family since their dad died.

I feel like the entire family including extended family walk on eggshells around BIL. DH and I are hoping to move into a larger house in the next few years and our hope is that she will at least be able to come stay with us for longer periods at that point if not move in. But I still don't think we'll be able to get BIL out of the house peacefully. I think he believes it is his house. I also know MIL is reluctant to leave the area where she lives as she has other family and many friends there.

Sometimes I think it will all work itself out and sometimes I think everything will go terribly wrong and we'll wish we'd dont something else sooner. But what.

I wish we had better options for people with mental illness in this country. I also have resentment towards DH's family who I think enabled this behavior for decades but they will not be the ones who have to deal with it ultimately. I think for a long time people believed that BIL would eventually get married and his wife would take on these issues. But that didn't happen for obvious reasons.

[Anonymous]

You can’t do anything about the sibling. I think the best way forward is to try and either move your mom out if she can afford a senior living place (or if she can stay with you temporarily). If neither of those are possible, perhaps a caregiver in the home to help your mom so sister isn’t always managing things and getting angry. If mom doesn’t want to leave the home or have help in the house, then therapy for you to make peace with their chosen situation and strategies to draw boundaries. This will be hard and painful to deal with without support. I’m sorry, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t do anything about the sibling. I think the best way forward is to try and either move your mom out if she can afford a senior living place (or if she can stay with you temporarily). If neither of those are possible, perhaps a caregiver in the home to help your mom so sister isn’t always managing things and getting angry. If mom doesn’t want to leave the home or have help in the house, then therapy for you to make peace with their chosen situation and strategies to draw boundaries. This will be hard and painful to deal with without support. I’m sorry, OP

These are good suggestions.

[Anonymous]

My grandma lived in her home until she was 98. Her son, a schizophrenic, also lived on the property in a barn apartment.

Grandma thought the schizophrenic son was the best of the 3 children and that he was wrongly diagnosed.

It was a very challenging situation for the family and ultimately my Mom and my other Uncle had to step away from things and visit Grandma several times a year.

My schizophrenic uncle would rage at my Mom.

Ultimately grandma passed away and then schizophrenic uncle passed away 45 days later.

Sometimes you have to "Let go and Let God."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello,
My mom lives in Georgia with my sibling (50 years old). My sister has mental illness and it is getting worse. A neighbor called me tonight saying that they can hear my sister screaming at my mom but also talking about things that are not real. The neighbor called the mental crisis line but when they called my mom back to let her know they were coming, my mom canceled the crisis unit from coming out. I live here.

I believe my sister needs to be hospitalized, get on medication and continued therapy. Does anyone know how I start this process because my sister will not do this willingly.

Do I need to find a family lawyer in Georgia?

Just trying to figure out what I need to do.

Only a doctor's "belief" regarding whether or not your sister needs to be hospitalized is relevant to that point, and that is only going to be the case against her will if she is found to be an immediate danger to herself or others. And as for the "on medication" or in "continued therapy" stuff -- well, that is up to your sister. This is the US, we don't force that on people.

If you think elder abuse is going on, you need to deal with that via the appropriate channels. If it does not rise to that level -- they are adults. And adults choose to live together in dysfunctional situations all the time. So ... you would be getting "a family lawyer" to what end exactly?

You can talk to your family, try to figure out how you can help and/or support. But I'm guessing from your post you either don't want to do that or are incapable, hence your desire to jump to "a family lawyer."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not for everyone but I would call the police and let the chips fall where they may.

And ... tell them what, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello,
My mom lives in Georgia with my sibling (50 years old). My sister has mental illness and it is getting worse. A neighbor called me tonight saying that they can hear my sister screaming at my mom but also talking about things that are not real. The neighbor called the mental crisis line but when they called my mom back to let her know they were coming, my mom canceled the crisis unit from coming out. I live here.

I believe my sister needs to be hospitalized, get on medication and continued therapy. Does anyone know how I start this process because my sister will not do this willingly.

Do I need to find a family lawyer in Georgia?

Just trying to figure out what I need to do.

Only a doctor's "belief" regarding whether or not your sister needs to be hospitalized is relevant to that point, and that is only going to be the case against her will if she is found to be an immediate danger to herself or others. And as for the "on medication" or in "continued therapy" stuff -- well, that is up to your sister. This is the US, we don't force that on people.

If you think elder abuse is going on, you need to deal with that via the appropriate channels. If it does not rise to that level -- they are adults. And adults choose to live together in dysfunctional situations all the time. So ... you would be getting "a family lawyer" to what end exactly?

You can talk to your family, try to figure out how you can help and/or support. But I'm guessing from your post you either don't want to do that or are incapable, hence your desire to jump to "a family lawyer."

+1

I’m the “BTDT multiple times” poster from the first page. This poster is spot on.

[Anonymous]

In those situations where the parent is interested in moving the adult child out but can’t, can they sell the house and force it that way? Or does the child have squatters rights or something that complicates the issue?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, Op. My DH and I are in the same situation. SIL moved in to MIL’s place in Canada after getting fired and/or put in inpatient a few too many times and losing her work visa in the US. DH and I know that SIL will get the condo one day and that will be good for her to not be on the street. What we really wish is that MIL would find a way to move out to her own place. She can afford it and so can we. She’s really healthy so we can’t make the excuse of needing assisted living or something like that, and I know she is reluctant to leave SIL no matter how bad it is.

I wish we had a neighbor like yours who could give us a little bit of information about what’s really going on. We get bits and pieces based on my SIL’s occasional crises that are directed at us, but since she does stuff across borders/jurisdictions, it’s really hard to take legal action. I worry so much about MIL because she is covering for SIL but so well that we don’t know the extent of it.

Unfortunately, it’s really hard to get an adult to seek treatment and it’s equally hard to find legal ways to put boundaries around their behavior unless they’ve resorted to violence. Of course by then it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Everything people said is spot on. If your parent is competent, parents makes own decisions. If you think there is elder abuse, call adult protective services to investigate. Likely they won't be that helpful, but that is one avenue.

My mother and father had an unhealthy relationship full of screaming and threats, but it worked for them. When my dad passed away, my mom fell apart and missed him so much. Now she is in a very dysfunctional relationship with one of siblings, but it works for her and she is more herself complaining about sibling, but functioning more in general.

[Anonymous]

Tell your neighbor to call the police not some BS mental health crisis line. She's abusing your mom do you want to wait until she actually harms her?