Reply to Adult Sibling with mental issues living with Elderly parent

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[quote=Anonymous]I feel like this thread is my future. Not for my own parents but for my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law. DH agrees but we feel powerless. She has asked BIL to move out several times but he is basically squatting in her house at this point. She even got him an apartment elsewhere and told him she would pay for it if he paid utilities (housing is extremely cheap where they live and she has a pension which is why she can afford this BUT she shouldn't have to -- he has a job and is able to work he just doesn't like it and no one knows where his money goes). He will move into the apartment for a few days and then rebound back to his mom's claiming some issue that prevents him from staying in the apartment (we have been there and there is nothing wrong with it except the fact that he has never unpacked his boxes or procured any furniture beyond a bed and a chair).

He has mental health issue and has been in treatment for a while. However I think the diagnosis is either incorrect or that needs to be diagnosed. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and depression and anxiety though he claims his depression is resolved. Sometimes I do think he might be getting better but when we visited two weeks ago I really felt he had regressed. And even when his mood is more stable this thing with him refusing to move out of his mom's house is so stressful.

It is clear she is afraid to stand up to him but feels desperate for a resolution. We don't know how to help her. She asked my DH to speak to his brother recently but that went very poorly -- BIL gets very angry at the idea of his "little brother" telling or asking anything of him. BIL also has this idea of himself as the patriarch of the family since their dad died.

I feel like the entire family including extended family walk on eggshells around BIL. DH and I are hoping to move into a larger house in the next few years and our hope is that she will at least be able to come stay with us for longer periods at that point if not move in. But I still don't think we'll be able to get BIL out of the house peacefully. I think he believes it is his house. I also know MIL is reluctant to leave the area where she lives as she has other family and many friends there.

Sometimes I think it will all work itself out and sometimes I think everything will go terribly wrong and we'll wish we'd dont something else sooner. But what.

I wish we had better options for people with mental illness in this country. I also have resentment towards DH's family who I think enabled this behavior for decades but they will not be the ones who have to deal with it ultimately. I think for a long time people believed that BIL would eventually get married and his wife would take on these issues. But that didn't happen for obvious reasons.[/quote]

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