Reply to Divorcing Spouse Because They Won't Condemn Parents.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DP and I have a slightly different perspective that I feel is important to acknowledge and that is that often what attracts us to our spouse can also be the Achilles heel if we allow it to be. 
If you are honest, OP, you were probably attracted to your DH’s easygoing nature and aversion to conflict—when it came to you. His non-confrontational style probably meshed well with your own direct assertiveness.
But this trait (that is attractive to you in a mate) is not useful in terms of his ability/willingness to stand up in support of you to his parents.
It might help your relationship for you to develop empathy to this fact and first recognize the challenge that it poses to his entire way of being in the world. It may not be that he doesn’t care. He just isn’t “built” that way and you knew this when you chose him. So it may take time and patience on your part if you expect him to handle this conflict or set this boundary with in-laws.[/quote]

20:03 here.  What you've described fits me and my DH. I come from a very volatile, dysfunctional family of origina and was/am definitely drawn to DH's easygoing nature and aversion to conflict.  Yet, I also really needed him to see that his family had their own dysfunction and that I was the target. It's not just that everyone deserves healthy relationships, I had worked really hard to overcome my background and he was expecting me to willingly and meekly go back into dysfunction and disrespect.  I didn't need them to like me but, now that I had a choice, I would not accept it.

It was tough and I can't say enough good things about the counselor we worked with.  We came to agreement that I would not attend any of his extended family events.  I didn't care what, if any, excuse DH gave to them but that I would not lie (or confirm his lies) about why I did not attend.  We had a very small wedding so there wasn't much drama with who did/did not get invited but I did insist that one person in particular not be invited.

After we had kids, a few extended olive branches and I, cautiously, accepted.  I still, however, would not go to larger, extended family events except weddings, funerals, etc.  As the older generation died off, things got a lot better. [/quote]

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