Dad died/I feel like crap

[Anonymous]

Everyone grieves differently and on different schedules. You need to let your husband know that you are still grieving and not ready to move on, so you'll need a bit more time. He should continue to be active and do things with the kids, but he needs to give you time for you to cope with the loss of your father.

[Anonymous]

Also, were you really involved in taking care of your dad, traveling, talking to drs, dealing with logistics during the long illness?

If so, aside from grief you might just be exhausted, and your family could give you some space. Any chance you could get away for a week on your own, sleep, read, stare at an ocean?

[Anonymous]

A month isn't long at all. For me, the deaths of my dad and 10 years later my brother were REALLY ROUGH for the first 3-6 months, and tolerable after about a year. In hindsight, I should have pushed to do grief counseling. Don't be too hard on yourself. And let others know what's going on. Those who have also lost loved ones will understand. And there is no "normal" for grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At present, I don't want to do anything. All i want to do is read, walk/run, take long showers, eat pasta, and watch crap TV in bed.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you're doing great for where you are and how long it's been -- you're reading, walking, running, and taking long showers, all of which are activities that people with depression really struggle to do. You're taking care of yourself, which you're entitled to do. Your husband and your kids don't have to join you in your grief -- it's different for them -- but in the same vein they need to respect that you're in a different space than they are.

Anticipatory grief is hard, and relief is normal when death is a release from suffering, but none of that shortcuts the grieving process or makes it easier to bounce back to "normal."

[Anonymous]

It is completely normal. And perhaps even necessary for healing. This is one of those "listen to your body" moments.

Please look into joining a grief support group. Even a remote one. Area hospices can connect you (even if you weren't a hospice patient, it's part of their federal subsidy obligations to do this for all). Another option is Griefshare.org, if you don't mind a Christian bent. There are private practice grief groups in DMV as well. Just pick one please because you need people who understand what you are going through and to help you know what's normal.

It is also truly ok to let some balls drop. They will bounce. The kids can miss an EC or a playdate or study on their own for a bit.

You are within rights to DH no more guests. Tell him if he doesn't get it he will when it's his turn and for now he needs to trust.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I hope God sends good people your way to care for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, were you really involved in taking care of your dad, traveling, talking to drs, dealing with logistics during the long illness?

If so, aside from grief you might just be exhausted, and your family could give you some space. Any chance you could get away for a week on your own, sleep, read, stare at an ocean?

Yes. My mother was the main caregiver but I was very involved. Visited every 2 days for months. Took turns sleeping at the hospice. Went to doc appointments. My mom's been staying with us the last 6 weeks (she will go to my brother's in a few weeks).

I spent all my vacation on his illness+ hospice....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At present, I don't want to do anything. All i want to do is read, walk/run, take long showers, eat pasta, and watch crap TV in bed.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you're doing great for where you are and how long it's been -- you're reading, walking, running, and taking long showers, all of which are activities that people with depression really struggle to do. You're taking care of yourself, which you're entitled to do. Your husband and your kids don't have to join you in your grief -- it's different for them -- but in the same vein they need to respect that you're in a different space than they are.

Anticipatory grief is hard, and relief is normal when death is a release from suffering, but none of that shortcuts the grieving process or makes it easier to bounce back to "normal."

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my dad died after a long illness. He was a very good Dad and I had a good relationship with him. No regrets, no guilt. I miss him.

However, I find myself feeling so lethargic now - I don't want to do anything. I have a job and married with 2 kids (tweens) and I can barely elicit the energy to do the minimum. It's a struggle to keep any momentum at work, and it's hard for me to be engaged in stuff related to the kids (their ECs, their camps, keeping up with their studying). Through the long illness, I tried to encourage my own immediate family to go about their business as best they could - they didn't have to miss or skip anything, except one day of school/work for the funeral. Now my husband keeps suggesting things to do - shows, museums, parties, movies. I am an introvert at baseline but usually game for all of that. At present, I don't want to do anything. All i want to do is read, walk/run, take long showers, eat pasta, and watch crap TV in bed. He has invited people over twice in the last month (once a family just for dinner, and now cousins for a long weekend). My kids (also social like their Dad) keep hosting playdates. It feels like having my teeth pulled. I don't dislike these people - I just don't want to see anyone. I find it exhausting to be positive and exhausting to even have a conversation.

Do you think this is when people get on meds? It's been about a month. To me, it feels like wanting mental space is a normal part of grieving but it seems like others think that the way I am not just "moving on" is grounds for getting on an antidepressant.

It's totally normal for you to be in deep grief after only a month. Let your husband and children know that having people over to the house isn't going to be possible for at least another month. They can go out if they need to socialize.

In the meantime, you need to do what you need to do.

I started talk therapy after my father died and I'm really glad I did. You might consider it, even if only for a while.

[Anonymous]

OP, in the "olden days" (like Victorian/Edwardian times) people would go into mourning for their parents for a full year. They would wear all black clothing for the first three months, at least, to show the world that they were in a delicate emotional state. Then continue with dark clothing after three months for a full year. They would not go out in public much at all for at least 6 weeks, and not resume normal social life (parties, etc) for at least 6 months.

You are very normal.

[Anonymous]

It’s so normal. When my Dad died, a friend of mine whose Dad had died a few years ago told me it would take me 2 years to feel right. He was right. It’s a process and a month is a short time. I did grief counseling for several months and it helped a lot. I also cried a lot, slept a lot and binge-watched reality TV like Kitchen Nightmares, not sure why that specific show. Death can really throw you for a loop.

[Anonymous]

You are grieving and it’s going to take quite a while to feel better. This is normal. It’s sad that our society today doesn’t know how to take care of people who are grieving in the same way that it used to. I honestly think we might do better to go back to wearing black as a signifier that mourning takes significant time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, in the "olden days" (like Victorian/Edwardian times) people would go into mourning for their parents for a full year. They would wear all black clothing for the first three months, at least, to show the world that they were in a delicate emotional state. Then continue with dark clothing after three months for a full year. They would not go out in public much at all for at least 6 weeks, and not resume normal social life (parties, etc) for at least 6 months.

You are very normal.

Oh that's very helpful to learn.

[Anonymous]

OP: it is totally understandable. I am dealing with the loss of both my parents (my father 3 years ago and my mother this past month). This is the first birthday that I had no wishes from either of them. I've tried to keep busy to not have to think about everything but once in a while it hits me. It will take time. In our culture, we don't celebrate any festivals or mark occasions for a whole year. That might be excessive but I can see the reasons why. What you are going through is quite normal.