Dad died/I feel like crap

[Anonymous]

So my dad died after a long illness. He was a very good Dad and I had a good relationship with him. No regrets, no guilt. I miss him.

However, I find myself feeling so lethargic now - I don't want to do anything. I have a job and married with 2 kids (tweens) and I can barely elicit the energy to do the minimum. It's a struggle to keep any momentum at work, and it's hard for me to be engaged in stuff related to the kids (their ECs, their camps, keeping up with their studying). Through the long illness, I tried to encourage my own immediate family to go about their business as best they could - they didn't have to miss or skip anything, except one day of school/work for the funeral. Now my husband keeps suggesting things to do - shows, museums, parties, movies. I am an introvert at baseline but usually game for all of that. At present, I don't want to do anything. All i want to do is read, walk/run, take long showers, eat pasta, and watch crap TV in bed. He has invited people over twice in the last month (once a family just for dinner, and now cousins for a long weekend). My kids (also social like their Dad) keep hosting playdates. It feels like having my teeth pulled. I don't dislike these people - I just don't want to see anyone. I find it exhausting to be positive and exhausting to even have a conversation.

Do you think this is when people get on meds? It's been about a month. To me, it feels like wanting mental space is a normal part of grieving but it seems like others think that the way I am not just "moving on" is grounds for getting on an antidepressant.

[Anonymous]

I think a month is not enough. Tell your husband he needs to respect your grief process and stop over scheduling. Give it two more months and then see about talk therapy and trying a med. Try to take care of your physical health at least.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. Please have patience with yourself and don't feel bad about asking your family to have patience. You can't rush grief and that is perfectly ok. I cried for months when after my father passed.

[Anonymous]

Hi Op. I'm so sorry. I would keep a close eye - the DSM-IV which is the diagnostic manual that mental health professionals/prescribers of meds use, is a bit complicated in this. Technically, within two months of a major death depression as a diagnosis isn't used as often because it is considered bereavement. But symptoms of grief are usually more related to longing, guilt, etc. and sometimes an event like this can trigger major depressive disorder. So, it is complicated and it may be depression. Initial grief symptoms can also develop into depression. The symptoms you describe are a little more aligned with depression, from what you've said. Anyway I say all this to say, I think you are right to consider reaching out for help. It may not be medication right away but that could be helpful down the line if symptoms continue. But getting connected to a therapist would be the first step.

[Anonymous]

I think I was a bit numb for about 6 months. I think part of that was just processing the chaos of health decline for several months prior. Life had been pretty intense for a long stretch of time. Time to heal and mentally work through everything took a bit.

[Anonymous]

It can take time to feel like a normal human after the death of someone so important. You are entitled to feel this way and it is ok to let your husband know those are not the things you want or need right now. It sounds like he is trying to be a really supportive spouse and 'brighten your day' but that just isn't how grief works. When my Dad first died, it felt like I was drowning and it was very strange watching everyone else go about their daily lives. Little by little, you come up for air and it gets easier and easier to breathe. If at no point do you feel like you can breathe, maybe then reach out for some help.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. Tell your husband and your kids you are grieving.

Please get plenty of rest and eat healthy. One month is very, very little time.

Mom died 8 weeks ago. I understand.

[Anonymous]

Has your husband lost a parent yet? It’s a very sad experience, at any age.

With the caveat that people experience emotions differently….I think the acute grief stage lasts 2-6 months. Give yourself that amount of time to feel really really down, cry almost daily, not feel like yourself etc.

I will say that you do have to go through the motions. You have to get up in the morning and eat and do basic caregiving for your kids, etc. It will feel hollow for that acute stage, and then you should start to feel the grief become ever so slightly more distant. The grief will be there in some form for the rest of your life but it will get less acutely painful over time.

If you had a major surgery (bypass or the like) 2-6 mo of recovery time is reasonable. If you had a baby you’d need at least 12 weeks. Same thing with a major emotional loss like this.

I think people are often surprised by the longevity of grief—especially when it is a relationship that is one of a kind (father, mother) and when that relationship was deep and meaningful.

But one reframe, when you’re ready for it: grief is evidence—certainty!—that what you had with your dad was really beautiful. That’s why it feels like such a loss. If you can, try to inch yourself toward gratitude: not everybody has a beautiful relationship with their parents, and the fact that you did was a gift. A gift that probably led you to other gifts. One downside of getting that gift is this grief. <3

[Anonymous]

You sound depressed.

[Anonymous]

You're grieving! It's okay to take your time and mourn. It's a process, not a flip of a switch. In my religion you acknowledge the death of a parent for 11 months, and mourn for a month. Because people keep pushing you to do things, you haven't gotten to indulge in your mourning, so it keeps getting pushed out. Tell your DH to let you dig in and wallow for a while.

(And if you want to take a low dose of anti-depressants, that's okay. If you want to wait and see how you feel at the end of July and end of August before deciding, that's ALSO okay.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I was a bit numb for about 6 months. I think part of that was just processing the chaos of health decline for several months prior. Life had been pretty intense for a long stretch of time. Time to heal and mentally work through everything took a bit.

This. And grief therapy even just one visit can help.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, OP. Just don't push it down and move on. Feel it as it comes, you need to process through it. PPs have given great advice. I would add to be really honest with your DH about what you think you need, which will change as you go. But if he wants to take the kids out and do stuff and stay busy, that could be a nice outlet for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. Tell your husband and your kids you are grieving.

Please get plenty of rest and eat healthy. One month is very, very little time.

Mom died 8 weeks ago. I understand.

OP, give yourself more time.

My mom and last parent died 5 months ago. I went to grief counseling today for my first of many sessions. Still dealing with so much. I will say that you’ll have a period of relative quiet or calm, think you’re making steps out of the fog of grief then something will bring an issue to the forefront. This week, I happened to get a copy of my mom’s death certificate - very jarring and sad.

And no, it’s very hard for even the patient and compassionate partners to understand the depths and duration of grief.

Then you’re going to have anniversaries to get through - your dad’s birthday, yours, holidays - all will be first without and you’ll need support.



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[Anonymous]

The length of time, a month, should not be a concern for you Op.