Teen dating

[Anonymous]

I think the gender really does matter. I wish it didn’t but these relationshios are still affected by historical gender noms that make some things harder for boys and some things harder for girls. I had a old teacher that used to say a girl needed to see a boy in three safe places before she’d feel ckmfortablf going out with him—that’s probably not quite right but I think there’s still some reluctance by a girl to go out with some rando because of safety issues (even if they won’t admit it). So building up experiences where the girl sees you with friends, sees you in a space she feels safe (church, her karate dojo, whatever) can really help.

Dating is in the end often a numbers game. Think about baseball batters who are considered phenomenal hitters if they hit one out of every three. Dating is probably like that or worse. You won’t get a yes everytime and accepting the no gracefully is one of the best skills you can learn. It’s great that they recognized after one date that person was not right for them — that’s a major success they should feel proud of. Too many young people waste months or years on relationships that are not right because they don’t know how to walk away. So I would really congratulate them on this as a real success. Dating is weird because it is, by design, something you will “fail” at multiple times and only “succeed” at once, if you are lucky. There are some movies and TV shows that make this point — you really need to know what’s wrong to figure out what’s right.

[Anonymous]

I have girl/boy twins who will be rising seniors and 18 in September and neither one has dated at all... as in not one date aside from nights at homecoming/prom/etc.
I get where you're coming from in your post. I too don't want them to have serious relationships but neither has any clue how to interact with the opposite gender at a romantic level or how to flirt. Like zero. They otherwise have a ton of friends, do well in school, are athletes, attractive etc.
I don't worry about this per say but it's just that their life experience in this regard is SO SO much different than my own. If anything I think it's kind of a bummer to not be holding hands, flirting, kissing boys (or girls) etc in high school. I have such fond memories of this. Dating in high school was just fun--no pressure, expectations, etc. The older you get the more complicated it is (and quickly).
Such is life and I'm not losing sleep over it but I get having a passing thought or two. I think it's reasonable to wonder about this once your kid gets close to 18.

[Anonymous]

Why are folks so concerned about this. They are still in HS and teens. They have their whole twenties to figure out romantic relationships. If this is different from your experience in HS, that’s fine. But there is no law that’s says folks must have so many dates under their belt by 18. Encourage them to hang out with people and get to know new people when the occasion arises. The key is making sure they gain confidence and social skills. The rest will work itself out with friends or on their own when they are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are folks so concerned about this. They are still in HS and teens. They have their whole twenties to figure out romantic relationships. If this is different from your experience in HS, that’s fine. But there is no law that’s says folks must have so many dates under their belt by 18. Encourage them to hang out with people and get to know new people when the occasion arises. The key is making sure they gain confidence and social skills. The rest will work itself out with friends or on their own when they are ready.

I think it's because dating seems to get so serious quickly in your 20's. Sex is expected, commitment is often expected, etc.
There is something to be said for the simplicity of high school dating that makes it a nice first step in learning more about yourself, what you want from the opposite sex, etc.
Also, in my kid's case I have no idea how she will learn to relate to boys on a romantic level (how to flirt) if she's never done it.
Right now (at 18) she has NO idea how to do it. So I'm wondering, is she suddenly going to learn at 19 or 21? Maybe? Probably?
Or will she just head off to college and silo herself into another group of girlfriends? (and no, she's not gay--she is actively interested in boys--just has zero idea of how to relate to them.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason you are being vague about your kids gender? Would be helpful to know girl/boy or if this is some sort of they/them situation. My answer will be a little different depending on this.

Not knowing that - my recommendation for your kid is to encourage opposite sex friendships first. Girls and boys who have opposite sex friends learn to talk/connect to boys/girls in a low pressure way and tend to have the easier time being confident later in dating. When teens only have same sex friends they tend to be awkward with the opposite sex and especially when trying to date.

Thought the same thing.

[Anonymous]

My 17 yo DD has not ever had a boyfriend, girlfriend or a date. She is bi, beautiful, highly intelligent, and somewhat social as in she is introverted but has a tight group of friends. I did worry about her missing out on that experience but she is fine and figuring things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 yo DD has not ever had a boyfriend, girlfriend or a date. She is bi, beautiful, highly intelligent, and somewhat social as in she is introverted but has a tight group of friends. I did worry about her missing out on that experience but she is fine and figuring things out.

So what makes her think she is bi if she has zero romantic experience with either sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have girl/boy twins who will be rising seniors and 18 in September and neither one has dated at all... as in not one date aside from nights at homecoming/prom/etc.
I get where you're coming from in your post. I too don't want them to have serious relationships but neither has any clue how to interact with the opposite gender at a romantic level or how to flirt. Like zero. They otherwise have a ton of friends, do well in school, are athletes, attractive etc.
I don't worry about this per say but it's just that their life experience in this regard is SO SO much different than my own. If anything I think it's kind of a bummer to not be holding hands, flirting, kissing boys (or girls) etc in high school. I have such fond memories of this. Dating in high school was just fun--no pressure, expectations, etc. The older you get the more complicated it is (and quickly).
Such is life and I'm not losing sleep over it but I get having a passing thought or two. I think it's reasonable to wonder about this once your kid gets close to 18.

Ok, you have framed it well and I agree with this sentiment. My rising freshman just started dating someone and it has me a little apprehensive. I didn’t expect it this young but I guess there is never perfect timing of these things