Saw my mom and cried at her condition

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry, OP. That’s a lot to handle. Take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this kindly, OP. You're going to have to toughen up. Your dear mother is going to get worse, and you'll have to be the person everyone relies on to figure things out.

Wishing you lots of strength in your ordeal.

I’ve buried a sibling, done vigils at bedsides of another parent and two grandparents. Two of them had long, slow pathways to death.

I say this kindly. You need to develop empathy.

You misunderstand. I have lots of sympathy, given my parents are going the same way. But it doesn't help to melt down in a puddle of tears. It's going to get worse before it gets over, so my advice to myself, and to OP, is to soldier on.

People can do hard things and also cry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this kindly, OP. You're going to have to toughen up. Your dear mother is going to get worse, and you'll have to be the person everyone relies on to figure things out.

Wishing you lots of strength in your ordeal.

I’ve buried a sibling, done vigils at bedsides of another parent and two grandparents. Two of them had long, slow pathways to death.

I say this kindly. You need to develop empathy.

You misunderstand. I have lots of sympathy, given my parents are going the same way. But it doesn't help to melt down in a puddle of tears. It's going to get worse before it gets over, so my advice to myself, and to OP, is to soldier on.

I will second this. I think the most empathetic thing you can say to a person is, yes, it's heartbreaking. But having been there, it is so much harder when your emotions swallow you up after every visit. This sounds really hard, OP. I die a little inside each time I'm met with some new affliction or issue with my parents or I hear that my father fell again or that my mother can't get out of bed today - the list goes on. I tied myself in knots and made my life so much harder but being emotional and frantic. I do cry sometimes still - when I'm alone in the car or other moments when I'm alone and can just let go. But I'm much happier drawing boundaries on both their needs, and my emotions. Believe me, this advise IS empathy. From all of those who have been there / are still in it.

Hugs to all.

[Anonymous]

I went through about a year and a half period of time with my mom who has dementia and aphasia that tore my soul apart. I wanted to fix her and help her and fix things and just couldn’t. I turned a corner when I accepted what was happening to her. She has moments of lucidity and sometimes is aware of what’s happening. We look at it as a disease of the brain where the brain is slowly dying. OP I think we’ve all been there, it is so incredibly hard at the beginning.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. I’m going through this right now too and have cried a lot. I definitely feel what someone said above, I’m mourning her while she’s still here. I’m so sorry you’re going through it too. It’s awful and strange and hard and confusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have the eloquent wording of some other posters, but I wanted to chime in to say I'm sorry, OP.

I hope you find some strength and comfort in the words others have shared in here, and I thank others for sharing their love and experience with OP.

Thank you so much.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Watching my dad's decline was so hard. It does get easier, the first few times are pretty jarring. You'll go through the stages of grief before she actually dies. I lost my dad while he was living. When he did eventually die, I wasn't heartbroken. I'd already mourned the loss of the dad I knew and I was glad he was finally a peace.

Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through that. You described my exact experience of losing my dad long before he died.

Today, I got my own terrible diagnosis and am dealing with a spouse’s diagnosis and a mentally ill sibling.

It’s a lot.

OP

That is a lot. And if the worst thing you did is cry a little in the bathroom, you are doing absolutely heroically.

That is lovely of you to say. Thank you so much.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this kindly, OP. You're going to have to toughen up. Your dear mother is going to get worse, and you'll have to be the person everyone relies on to figure things out.

Wishing you lots of strength in your ordeal.

I’ve buried a sibling, done vigils at bedsides of another parent and two grandparents. Two of them had long, slow pathways to death.

I say this kindly. You need to develop empathy.

You misunderstand. I have lots of sympathy, given my parents are going the same way. But it doesn't help to melt down in a puddle of tears. It's going to get worse before it gets over, so my advice to myself, and to OP, is to soldier on.

What's wrong with going to cry? You sound like the old generation who thinks crying is a form of weakness.

OP, it's ok to cry. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I cried when I left my parents after visiting this weekend. I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I will visit my dad and he will remember who I am. I'm trying to grieve as it comes rather than hold it all in for later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I cried when I left my parents after visiting this weekend. I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I will visit my dad and he will remember who I am. I'm trying to grieve as it comes rather than hold it all in for later.

Sorry, hit enter too soon. My point is to let the grief come when and how it will. Don't fight it, and there's nothing to be ashamed about. The PPs who say that it will continue are correct, but that doesn't mean you have to change how and when you grieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


That is a lot. And if the worst thing you did is cry a little in the bathroom, you are doing absolutely heroically.


That is lovely of you to say. Thank you so much.

OP

Absolutely. OP, you are doing great to hang in and meet your mother where she is at right now, and then cry in the bathroom. My aunt has dementia and my first cousin has absolutely turtled. He won't visit, he won't call. My 93 year old mom---her SIL---is at the same seniors facility and is mentally okay but physically frail. Nonetheless, she tootles down the hall every day on her walker to the memory unit to check on the woman she has loved like a sister even though it is distressing when my aunt talks about the imaginary people she sees. When I am feeling charitable, I think that my cousin simply can't handle the grief of seeing his mom failing. But despite her confusion, my aunt knows that her son isn't coming to see her or call her and it makes her so sad. So tough as it is, know that you are doing the right thing---hard as it is. And by doing the right thing now, you will not have regrets later.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. And perhaps this was a day when you felt like you really needed your mom. Wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

This. Is. So. Hard.

This forum makes it a little less awful.

Not OP but thanks to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this kindly, OP. You're going to have to toughen up. Your dear mother is going to get worse, and you'll have to be the person everyone relies on to figure things out.

Wishing you lots of strength in your ordeal.

I’ve buried a sibling, done vigils at bedsides of another parent and two grandparents. Two of them had long, slow pathways to death.

I say this kindly. You need to develop empathy.

You misunderstand. I have lots of sympathy, given my parents are going the same way. But it doesn't help to melt down in a puddle of tears. It's going to get worse before it gets over, so my advice to myself, and to OP, is to soldier on.

What's wrong with going to cry? You sound like the old generation who thinks crying is a form of weakness.

OP, it's ok to cry. Hugs.

I appreciate you. Thank you.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I cried when I left my parents after visiting this weekend. I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I will visit my dad and he will remember who I am. I'm trying to grieve as it comes rather than hold it all in for later.

That is a healthy way to do it. Letting it out helps us process. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

Hugs to you,

OP