Mom just chased us out of nursing home

[Anonymous]

I had a similar day, OP. I am so sorry you are going through this. Just give yourself a few days and try visiting again and hopefully it will be better.

[Anonymous]

That sucks. Sorry OP. I suggest waiting it out. If she does not treat you kindly in future visits, keep walking out. Nowhere else is society would we expect people to take such abuse

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry.

My father is declining and he has terrible outbursts if I visit for more than a few hours. He gets confused and thinks I’m still a teenager.

It hurts. It’s a brutal feeling. I’m sorry you are going through something similar but good that you have support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is normal with dementia. It's only going to get worse before she cannot speak at all. Ignore the crazy behavior and visit weekly. The more involved you are the better care she will get.

I agree with this, OP. I'm sorry about what happened, but I doubt it was intentional on your mom's part. She's probably still adjusting to the move, and possibly confused.

[Anonymous]

Hugs. I went through this with my mom and it was horrible. You might want to rotate who visits (if there is more than one family member) for a while to limit how rough it is for you. It’s a terrible disease. You’re a good daughter and are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

OP I think everyone who’s had a memory care situation has been through a day like that. It might get better, and it might not. Remember that something genuinely horrible IS happening to her, and it’s understandable why she would freak out even if you’re all doing the best you can. I don’t even think suicidal ideation is so outrageous if you’ve been moved to memory care. Keep showing up and working with the care team on meds, etc.

The goal I keep in mind is having the person feel safe and like themselves as much as possible. Your mom sounds like she was pretty aware of the situation and move to memory care that day, which makes “safe” pretty hard. I wouldn’t feel safe either. As that awareness shifts, it might get better!

[Anonymous]

Op has she had suicidal ideation before or did it start at the facility? I ask because my mom would say things like that got shock value and to get attention as a desperate plea for control. Keep an eye on it, alert the staff, bit it seems like she just wanted to take anger out on you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a question there? What are we supposed to do? If she has alzheimers she probably won't remember she did that. Just go back another day

You deserve a debilitating disease

[Anonymous]

OP my mom is quite a piece of work too. Do you know what meds she is on? I would consult with the team about whether they need to be adjusted. If she only behaves that way with you and behaves well otherwise. might be best to not agitate her. You can hire someone to check in and make sure she is well cared for if she will behave better for that person. If she is agitated with everyone, discuss meds adjustment.

If she only became that way over time, then keep your visits very short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my mom is quite a piece of work too. Do you know what meds she is on? I would consult with the team about whether they need to be adjusted. If she only behaves that way with you and behaves well otherwise. might be best to not agitate her. You can hire someone to check in and make sure she is well cared for if she will behave better for that person. If she is agitated with everyone, discuss meds adjustment.

If she only became that way over time, then keep your visits very short.

Thank you. To all who posted. I was not in a good place yesterday. I will check about the meds and her demeanor with others. I was really sad because my child was with us and saw the whole thing so I don't think I can ever take the kids with me again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP my mom is quite a piece of work too. Do you know what meds she is on? I would consult with the team about whether they need to be adjusted. If she only behaves that way with you and behaves well otherwise. might be best to not agitate her. You can hire someone to check in and make sure she is well cared for if she will behave better for that person. If she is agitated with everyone, discuss meds adjustment.

If she only became that way over time, then keep your visits very short.

Thank you. To all who posted. I was not in a good place yesterday. I will check about the meds and her demeanor with others. I was really sad because my child was with us and saw the whole thing so I don't think I can ever take the kids with me again.

I glad you are in a better place. You are far wiser than I was. I kept taking the kids as a buffer. It did a lot of damage. I should have pulled away faster and hired an advocate for her. She behaved for the advocate. I kept hoping meds or shorter visit or distractions or whatever would do the trick. Talking to eldercare experts, it's this taboo topic, but sometimes with dementia, they cannot be around particular loved ones without triggering awful behavior. Absolutely see if meds need to be adjusted and try different tricks, but if none of it works and you are a trigger (by no fault of your own), there is no shame is stepping back and allowing a professional to do the checking and advocating if you can afford it. To be honest, they know a lot more about what to look for, what to ask for and how to negotiate. I knew someone who's mom was really well-behaved and sweet and they got an advocate just to be an extra set of eyes and she knew about things to ask, that would have never occurred to them.

[Anonymous]

That title alone is awful. Hugs

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. They don’t know what they are saying.

My dad said he wanted to kill me. I interpreted that to mean, “I’m scared. Get me out of here.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think everyone who’s had a memory care situation has been through a day like that. It might get better, and it might not. Remember that something genuinely horrible IS happening to her, and it’s understandable why she would freak out even if you’re all doing the best you can. I don’t even think suicidal ideation is so outrageous if you’ve been moved to memory care. Keep showing up and working with the care team on meds, etc.

The goal I keep in mind is having the person feel safe and like themselves as much as possible. Your mom sounds like she was pretty aware of the situation and move to memory care that day, which makes “safe” pretty hard. I wouldn’t feel safe either. As that awareness shifts, it might get better!

+1 I'm so sorry, OP, I've been there and it's so horrible.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP, that’s heartbreaking. I hope she forgets and your next visit is a more positive one.