At what point does your happiness outweigh the happiness of your kids?

[Anonymous]

When your unhappiness starts to affect your kids negatively in a material way or for a sustained period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is no abuse and infidelity is involved and its only about mild to moderate differences, parents should stay together for the sake of little people they brought into this world.

However, if you sincerely feel that its a toxic set up hurting all involved than know that marriage isn't a life sentence, you can come out alive.

I agree with this. The tipping point is when the unhappiness in the marriage is creating unhappiness in the family that would be improved by divorce even thought here will also be negatives for the kids.

So I guess to answer OP's question, at no point does my happiness outweigh the happiness of my kids. But they are linked in that there is a point where I could be so unhappy that my kids are also unhappy. But I think it would have to be pretty bad because I also think that a family unit with two adults working together to raise kids is so much more efficient that you'd need to be VERY unhappy in your marriage for divorce to seem better for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Always. If you aren't happy, get out. Your kids will know that you're unhappy, you won't be as good of a parent, and they will wish you were happy.

Signed,
A child of divorce who was so happy when my parents finally divorced because they were both miserable in the marriage

My brother and I both separately, asked our dad to divorce our mom. They were so miserable. We thought he had a chance.

This is a case where the adults made the children miserable and unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always. If you aren't happy, get out. Your kids will know that you're unhappy, you won't be as good of a parent, and they will wish you were happy.

Signed,
A child of divorce who was so happy when my parents finally divorced because they were both miserable in the marriage

What if your parents spent very little time being married but are doting parents would that have been ok? We have separate bedrooms and social lives. We don't really interact outside of breakfast and dinner. We are happiest this way. And since we hardly see each other, it's naturally low conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the moment they are born, you should always put yourself first. Your kids will be happy when you are happy.

That's not true. If you have a kid who thrives on being social and you're happiest at home with a book every day, your kid will not be happy. If you're a simple eater who somehow birthed a foodie, as the adult you control the food and your kid will not be happy eating the same simple 7 dinners over and over. There are a million examples.

It's absolutely true. There have been tons of studies/articles that have shown that children are happier when mom is happy:

https://www.livescience.com/13541-happiness-survey-moms-children.html
https://ifstudies.org/blog/moms-happiness-and-family-well-being
https://www.mother.ly/life/happiness-can-be-contagious-the-scientific-benefits-of-happy-mothers-on-their-families/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My breaking point came when the emotional abuse became so bad that I was crying daily in front of my kids. I eventually became suicidal. All of the fighting, calling me names, and treating me bad piled up and I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I hit rock bottom. I wanted to fight for my life, for my sake and my kids sake, so the marriage ended. And once I left I wasn’t depressed anymore.

Glad you left

[Anonymous]

I just did a ton of research on this. Studies have shown that conflict between parents is equally damaging to kids in divorced families and intact families (and whether or not you think the kids see the conflict, they know).

If you can keep things genuinely calm and friendly, consider staying. If you are miserable, fighting, being abused, etc., get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Always. If you aren't happy, get out. Your kids will know that you're unhappy, you won't be as good of a parent, and they will wish you were happy.

Signed,
A child of divorce who was so happy when my parents finally divorced because they were both miserable in the marriage

What if your parents spent very little time being married but are doting parents would that have been ok? We have separate bedrooms and social lives. We don't really interact outside of breakfast and dinner. We are happiest this way. And since we hardly see each other, it's naturally low conflict.

No. Your kids know you don’t like each other. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. My kids know we don't like each other. That he is unkind to me. But they go into freeze/faun response with him and they don't want to live with him without me. I am afraid of making the wrong choice for them. I can suck it up, but I feel they will be distraught if they have to stay with him 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. My kids know we don't like each other. That he is unkind to me. But they go into freeze/faun response with him and they don't want to live with him without me. I am afraid of making the wrong choice for them. I can suck it up, but I feel they will be distraught if they have to stay with him 50/50.

I totally understand being worried about them being with him half the time. But the way it is now they are seeing an unhealthy relationship and they will likely mirror that themselves when they’re older. They’re better off having a happy healthy home with a happy healthy parent half the time. If you break the cycle they can go on to have healthy relationships of their own.

I know how hard and overwhelming it feels to leave when you’re in it. But you and your kids will be much happier and healthier on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Most divorced filed by women do not involve abuse or infidelity. I think at some point women get bored, want more sex, and who the f**k.knows what else....the grass is not always greener on the other side

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most divorced filed by women do not involve abuse or infidelity. I think at some point women get bored, want more sex, and who the f**k.knows what else....the grass is not always greener on the other side

No, honey, we’re done taking care of man children. We’re done doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, working full time, and doing all the emotional labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My happiness never is more important than my kids happiness.

FFS , what is wrong with you people?

Yup. I make my own happiness but it’s never more important than my children’s happiness. And seeing them happy make me happy. Seeing them unhappy is terrible. I can’t imagine a parent being happy yet knowing their child is unhappy. Just doesn’t make any sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. My kids know we don't like each other. That he is unkind to me. But they go into freeze/faun response with him and they don't want to live with him without me. I am afraid of making the wrong choice for them. I can suck it up, but I feel they will be distraught if they have to stay with him 50/50.

I totally understand being worried about them being with him half the time. But the way it is now they are seeing an unhealthy relationship and they will likely mirror that themselves when they’re older. They’re better off having a happy healthy home with a happy healthy parent half the time. If you break the cycle they can go on to have healthy relationships of their own.

I know how hard and overwhelming it feels to leave when you’re in it. But you and your kids will be much happier and healthier on the other side.

Thank you. I need to hear this. I know they see him emotionally abusing me, but it is killing me to leave them with him. I think maybe if they were older. But then I would have to stay here another six years.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. I find I have tremendous positive influence by having my child 50% versus being married. I make my half count. my relationship with my child is much closer, and my parenting is more effective without a spouse who undermines me in the moment. My child now gets to grow up in a house filled with peace, and that’s a gift.