Are 8th grade girls always mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Up until now, we hadn't experienced any of the mean girl stuff people always seem to talk about. But recently, the drama in 8th grade (public) has picked up. It's all very subtle but there is so much exclusion, mean spirited gossip, weird alignments, inability to mesh friends, strong convictions about things like clothing labels etc. No one seems to know how to behave without one best friend as a side kick but who that person is often circumstantial or a new friend with shine (often neglecting the old friend). It's exhausting for my DD. I am glad summer is upon us and I am wondering if this will all change in HS? Or will it get worse before it gets better?

Yes. The answer is yes.

[Anonymous]

When I was in 8th grade, this behavior reached its peak the spring of 8th grade. There is really nothing you can do- other than be a solid listening ear and source of support for your DD, validate her feelings, etc (something I never had as I never felt comfortable sharing this stuff with my parents). Take it as a good sign that your DD shares these concerns and hurts with you. Thankfully, HS is imminent- in my experience things got 99% better (FOR GIRLS) in HS.

[Anonymous]

just wait until the drinking, drugs and sex start in. That becomes a whole other level of alienation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is in 7th at a K-8. I think
The dynamic is different because while the MS curriculum is different and class schedule is MS style it’s not a whole new school. Some kids come and go but generally we don’t have huge drama issues. There are different groups bif kids seem to mesh back and forth depending on who’s in their classes etc. Hopefully it won’t change next year.

I also went to a (small) K-8 and everything OP describes is spot-on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a generalization. My child and her friends were not like this. I am sure it happens, but not everywhere. I am so sorry for kids of both genders who have difficult middle school experiences.

This parent is obviously the parent of a mean girl.

Oh no! My child Regina George never seems to have these issues....

DP. Not necessarily. My DD definitely experienced mean behavior from friends in 7th and 8th grade, but eventually found (or kept) friends who really didn’t act like that. There are lots kids who are not trying to be in the popular group who are much more chill.

[Anonymous]

Yes, very common. They are trying to figure out friendship dynamics and group dynamics and dealing with peer pressure and puberty and identity and fitting in. They aren't very good at any of it yet for the most part. Lots of insecurities and vulnerabilities and jockeying for position to avoid feeling excluded or unliked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very peer/friend group dependent. My 8th grader has none of this. My older DD’s friends were NOT as nice, and they were exclusionary and so forth. Pick friends carefully!

The point being that even "nice friends" subtly turn on their old friends when they make new friends. They're allowed to make new friends, right? Nothing wrong with that, right? But old friend is cast to the side...

Right. But the solution to that is to help your child be resilient, not to get on the internet and whine about how mean kids are. Your kid is probably a jerk to someone at some point! Allow some grace, and yes some mistakes, these kids are 13 years old.

Keep your kids busy, be there to listen, and stop villainizing every other kid.

[Anonymous]

I have an 11th grade girl and no, we’ve never had to deal with this. Have you read queen bees and wannabes? If your kid is around that group or wants to be, yes, there’s drama. If your kid avoids the drama, there are plenty of girls who don’t act like that. Teach your kid that if someone is being purposefully mean, they’re not your friend - she should seek out other friends who are kind.

But I will say some of it is also just humans being social beings - I’ve heard girls and moms complain of mean girl behavior, but the details of the story are just the other girl not acting the way the mom or girl thinks she should act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a generalization. My child and her friends were not like this. I am sure it happens, but not everywhere. I am so sorry for kids of both genders who have difficult middle school experiences.

This parent is obviously the parent of a mean girl.

Oh no! My child Regina George never seems to have these issues....

DP. Not necessarily. My DD definitely experienced mean behavior from friends in 7th and 8th grade, but eventually found (or kept) friends who really didn’t act like that. There are lots kids who are not trying to be in the popular group who are much more chill.

Again, nothing to do with being in the popular group! Even "chill" girls don't get this right as they make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Same with boys from my experience (at least with my older DS)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11th grade girl and no, we’ve never had to deal with this. Have you read queen bees and wannabes? If your kid is around that group or wants to be, yes, there’s drama. If your kid avoids the drama, there are plenty of girls who don’t act like that. Teach your kid that if someone is being purposefully mean, they’re not your friend - she should seek out other friends who are kind.

But I will say some of it is also just humans being social beings - I’ve heard girls and moms complain of mean girl behavior, but the details of the story are just the other girl not acting the way the mom or girl thinks she should act.

OP said it wasn't "purposeful" mean behavior. It was "subtle". Chill, nice girls also have trouble navigating new and old friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a generalization. My child and her friends were not like this. I am sure it happens, but not everywhere. I am so sorry for kids of both genders who have difficult middle school experiences.

It is everywhere. But most kids are not involved in it and don’t even know it’s happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a generalization. My child and her friends were not like this. I am sure it happens, but not everywhere. I am so sorry for kids of both genders who have difficult middle school experiences.

It is everywhere. But most kids are not involved in it and don’t even know it’s happening.

Most kids are not involved? Sure most kids aren't involved in all the drama all the time but I've never seen a friend group not experience some drama. This just shows some people have no idea what goes on at school all day to be so clueless.

[Anonymous]

DD's friend group went through a lot of turmoil in spring of 7th grade. Luckily, she had a really amazing 8th grade friend who was beloved by all, and showed essentially how to navigate these waters while staying above the fray. hings have been really stable in 8th grade.

DD's best friend is now going through some things, and DD is trying to be "that friend" that is a stable influence. She is not nearly as good at it, but at least she's trying.

[Anonymous]

Middle school will be rough on kids who are always playing fickle friend games in elementary school.