For those who struggled with respect for spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it never came back. He really only 'felt' it because it affected our sex life and he cared about that, but he never made the connection.

We divorced. It was easy enough for me because I had money. If I hadn't I would imagine we would be leading separate lives and it would have been awful for the kids.

Didn’t the divorce cost you a ton if you were the one with the money/income? It’s not easy parting with 1/2 of all you’ve earned/invested over the decades?

We had only been married 11 years. I had money and he had a high enough income. It was easy for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend dealt with this. She made it work as long as she could until the resentment got to be too much. She left when the kids were in middle and high school. She is very happy now. It’s been about 5 years, one kid is in college, the other high school. She’s early 50s and single but has a very healthy dating life.

What was her tipping point?
I do think about it but am not willing to divide time with the kids. Maybe later. It just infuses everything at this point.

I don't know that there was a tipping point; I think it was just a gradual buildup, and eventually, she knew even the kids were not reason enough to stay miserable. She felt like she was losing herself. She was very open and honest with him, and when she'd ask him about his own feelings, he always claimed to be happy and had no complaints. She felt like he glossed over everything and couldn't have an honest and vulnerable conversation with her. They were married a long time, over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has this with his wife who didn’t want to work even after the kids were in full time school and he was going crazy hours and traveling and wanted to pull back. They are room mate situation till the youngest graduates then the plan is divorce (they both agree). Ironically she has had to find a job anyway bc she won’t get alimony where they live unless she has a job too. Is kind of a shame she didn’t just do it earlier but could have made no difference also

I don’t understand why some people (men or women) think it’s ok to just drop the financial burden squarely on the other spouse. Even if one has a lower income potential than the other, it just makes the working spouse feel used if there is no effort at all.

Not justifying it… but to play devils advocate… there are situations I’ve seen where the men are more than happy to allow the women to carry the entire burden of taking care of the kids, house, everything when they are young. Then, as the kids get older, they switch it up and think the wife should go back to work. For one thing, it’s not that easy to jump back in when you’ve taken four or five years off, at least in some professions (it is easier in some than in others). Also, once kids are in school, it’s not as if there is absolutely nothing to do kid and house-wise. Some husband don’t understand this and expect the wives to be able to completely handle it all. They don’t understand that if their wives go back to work, as the husband, they will actually have to pick up some extra responsibilities at home themselves, and are resentful when asked to do this. You can’t have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has this with his wife who didn’t want to work even after the kids were in full time school and he was going crazy hours and traveling and wanted to pull back. They are room mate situation till the youngest graduates then the plan is divorce (they both agree). Ironically she has had to find a job anyway bc she won’t get alimony where they live unless she has a job too. Is kind of a shame she didn’t just do it earlier but could have made no difference also

I don’t understand why some people (men or women) think it’s ok to just drop the financial burden squarely on the other spouse. Even if one has a lower income potential than the other, it just makes the working spouse feel used if there is no effort at all.

Not justifying it… but to play devils advocate… there are situations I’ve seen where the men are more than happy to allow the women to carry the entire burden of taking care of the kids, house, everything when they are young. Then, as the kids get older, they switch it up and think the wife should go back to work. For one thing, it’s not that easy to jump back in when you’ve taken four or five years off, at least in some professions (it is easier in some than in others). Also, once kids are in school, it’s not as if there is absolutely nothing to do kid and house-wise. Some husband don’t understand this and expect the wives to be able to completely handle it all. They don’t understand that if their wives go back to work, as the husband, they will actually have to pick up some extra responsibilities at home themselves, and are resentful when asked to do this. You can’t have it both ways.

+1

[Anonymous]

I got divorced, so no, it never came back.

But, we hadn't had kids yet, thankfully, so it was a much easier decision. Now I'm married to someone else and we have kids and I'm infinitely happier.

What precipitated it was constant tales of what he was going to do followed by never following through any of it. Final straw was saying he wanted to do something new that he had never mentioned before and I just said I was done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rhiannon’s a very difficult situation. I would love to hear if anyone found respect for their spouse again after they changed their ways? Eg the DH who doesn’t have a good work history, if he were to start working reliably again, would the respect come back?

With all due respect, has your husband changed his ways and you're struggling with letting the past go?

Or are you saying IF he changes his ways will you be able to respect him again? I wouldn't get to the letter question until he has actually proven that he wants to and is capable of changing. Otherwise you're just grasping at straws. Might as well put your energy and efforts into dealing with the life you have rather than the one you want to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it never came back. He really only 'felt' it because it affected our sex life and he cared about that, but he never made the connection.

We divorced. It was easy enough for me because I had money. If I hadn't I would imagine we would be leading separate lives and it would have been awful for the kids.

Didn’t the divorce cost you a ton if you were the one with the money/income? It’s not easy parting with 1/2 of all you’ve earned/invested over the decades?

What's your happiness and sanity worth? You can always make more money.

I was a higher-earning spouse (woman) who got divorced due to ex-spouse's lack of action on anything. I had to pay him a ton of alimony but honestly it was fine. Sure, I'd rather have the money now but I will make more. At least now I'm not unhappy.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if a guy is not doing anything around the house, do you really think this guy is going to step up once divorced? I am sure initially he will want his 50%, but the reality will kick him in the a$$. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if a guy is not doing anything around the house, do you really think this guy is going to step up once divorced? I am sure initially he will want his 50%, but the reality will kick him in the a$$. Thoughts?

He’ll just get married to a new sucker. Then repeat the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if a guy is not doing anything around the house, do you really think this guy is going to step up once divorced? I am sure initially he will want his 50%, but the reality will kick him in the a$$. Thoughts?

He’ll just get married to a new sucker. Then repeat the cycle.

I posted above about getting divorced. This is exactly what happened but it did take longer than I thought. That said, I do like his wife and she seems more suited to play the role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it never came back. He really only 'felt' it because it affected our sex life and he cared about that, but he never made the connection.

We divorced. It was easy enough for me because I had money. If I hadn't I would imagine we would be leading separate lives and it would have been awful for the kids.

Didn’t the divorce cost you a ton if you were the one with the money/income? It’s not easy parting with 1/2 of all you’ve earned/invested over the decades?

What's your happiness and sanity worth? You can always make more money.

I was a higher-earning spouse (woman) who got divorced due to ex-spouse's lack of action on anything. I had to pay him a ton of alimony but honestly it was fine. Sure, I'd rather have the money now but I will make more. At least now I'm not unhappy.

Are you in VA? Could you share your salaries and how much you had to give him for alimony? And for how long?

I’m in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you do and did it ever come back? What precipitated loss of respect?

My issue is chronic lack of proactivity and organization resulting in extreme inequity that spouse is ok with.

(If this does not apply to you feel free to scroll by, would love to hear from those who have navigated)

Respect is earned. By action, manners, behaviors and consistency.

It is not earned by title, ie spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you do and did it ever come back? What precipitated loss of respect?

My issue is chronic lack of proactivity and organization resulting in extreme inequity that spouse is ok with.

(If this does not apply to you feel free to scroll by, would love to hear from those who have navigated)

No hasn’t come back.

It came from similar sources of his laziness, immaturity, unreliability and lying to cover it up.

[Anonymous]

I would demand spouse be evaluated for adhd. I don’t believe people are lazy and aren’t doing their best, I believe they are really struggling.

[Anonymous]

Lost respect due to his constant defensiveness and delusions; I’m not in a relationship with a real person living in reality, I am in a relationship with an ego that must be protected at all costs.

Still married but biding my time to divorce comfortably.