Recently widowed, grieving spouse support advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP.
My DH died last year after a long illness.
I have 3 teenagers. Each of them deals with grief in different ways. Only one (the oldest) sees a mental health counselor regularly. I saw one when he was first diagnosed for a few months but I didn’t find it helpful.
There are no rules here- each person deals with it differently and that’s ok. I found with children especially they didn’t verbalize that they were upset about their dad but it would come out in different ways. For instance, irrational anger at things like not having snacks in the house. It wasn’t about the snacks. I checked in with my mom, teachers and other parents about their observations about my kids because my mom pointed out they did not want to add to my grief. Family dinner and weekend breakfasts are important. My kids needed the structure and comfort. They needed reassurance, as much as I could give it, that I’m not going anywhere. I encouraged them to be with friends as much as possible. Sleepovers at home with pancakes in the morning were a big hit.
It’s important to me that my children have happy lives. Every day counts. Don’t wait for the big vacation. Go out for ice cream tonight.
Most people will bend over backward to help you. Some will say they will then they won’t. Some people will avoid you. Roll with it. Keep your sense of humor.
It’s going to be ok OP. Despite the awfulness and grief it’s ok to have happy times now too. Your children deserve it.

Oh and as for work- I function so much better now that I recognize most of what happens in the office as petty stuff. Not to say that there aren’t days I cry in the stairwell. But I’m usually more relaxed and don’t get caught in irrelevant drama and can focus on the important stuff. Listening to others complain about work and their lives I think you all have no idea.
I do try to be home for the kids by dinner time. Again- they need that reassurance.

[Anonymous]

While I'd recommend support groups just be aware that some women in these groups are vultures.

A friend also lost his wife of 20 years suddenly and the women were circling him just 2 weeks after her death.

Hang out with friends, get a new hobby or goal.

When I lost a good friend suddenly the gym was really helpful for getting our my negative emotions. Got in the best shape of my life. I also moved to a new place with lots of neighbors. I took cooking classes.

Recently I've really enjoyed sound bath classes, meditation and breath work classes, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. FWIW my friend last him mom in high school. His dad met his second wife at a grief support group and they have now been married 30 years. I wish you happiness OP. Please ask your community for help. We are here and want to help, just tell us what you need.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thank you so much for your responses and sharing your experiences!

Agree with a lot of the recommendations here - and have started on many of those areas like structure and quality time with kids, giving kids space and being more considerate, self care and hobbies, although the hobbies one seems to be hard one right now

thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely join a support group.

I joined a support group for divorcees. They are good for lifestyle and life arrangement changes. Hearing the similarities (and some differences) is useful. I used it to also identity people who seemed “stuck” after the tragic event. It made me reflect. You can leave when you no longer feel it’s useful to you.

+1 for support groups!!

[Anonymous]

Instacart delivers Costco and a million other stores

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for the late reply, and before I say anything else... Thank you for the kind words and advice. Also thank you for sharing your experiences as well, I do appreciate it.

Ill take a look at "Wintering" book, thank you

My general doctors have been amazing and have checked up on me a few times personally. I feel i'm fortunate in that respect. We are starting therapy, but therapists are in demand, so it's taking a little bit to get setup. We got recommendations for a few groups, and some like Wendt bubbled to the top in addition to some 1-1 grief therapists. Caring Matters was also recommended, thank you for mentioning that as well. I'm very skeptical of group support groups but should suspend my disbelief and try it.

The kids friends' parents have been great.. we've known many for over 14 years since the kids were in diapers together. I main issue I have (which is likely a me issue), at what point am I going to over-ask for help.... I mean, they have families and lives, and before this happened, i knew they were busy, so I don't want to impose, and also want to understand how to be self-sufficient and work through the changes we may need to do as a family. Not rushing to make any changes as that may shock the kids but need to know and not pass my welcome with friends.

The family weekly check in a great idea. I started a dinner routine with the kids... come home from school, ok run away to do homework or ger personal time, but then come for dinner - no devices, maybe on the patio, talk, and then go for a walk.... and after... they run away, but then come back down to hang out before going to bed... alternating family vs personal time to not make them feel they have to hang out with only dad now. So far seems to be working and they share ok. I haven't done a weekly checking in, will try that. Esp. with mothers day coming up.

I have also started looking at online delivery for food and groceries - good recommendation, my sister mentioned that too..... but its honestly.... unimpressed for the options i need. Giant does delivery and pick up so is easy. Trader Joes was a big part of our lives and none of the apps, or perhaps, trader joes does not allow shoppers, so im doing that once in a while. Honestly its nice to do that, i take the kids, and i get our more. Costco is its own beast.... we have a membership but the amount of time it takes... and no one delivers Costco... Someone recommended Shipt...while they do support costco not for my location

Thanks for the suggestion on developing autonomy with the kids, the older child (14 girl) is starting to do that, the younger (12 boy) is still whimsical but also very thoughtful and responsible... but not in a grocery/chores kind of way. More like gets me food cause i know likely missed the meal way.

Thanks for the tip on https://dcwidow.com/, will take a look.

Appreciate the memory box suggestion. My younger kid wants to make a memorial... but in practice its hard for them to get started ... memory box seems like a easier thing to have them start.

Leaving home or being busy is my self-defense mechanism, but i think it perhaps makes me not do my responsibilities.... I find any excuse to leave the house since being home, everything reminds me of my wife and it gets hard, esp. when kids doing their thing which they should , and im by myself.

Perhaps the trickiest bit is the last one... loneliness without feeling like I have to distract myself constantly. And, sleep. Thats a mess but improving.

Thank so much to everyone for sharing, appreciate it a lot

You sound like an amazing Dad. Your kids are so lucky to have you. I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP here... Sorry its been a while since i returned to the post. Thanks for the follow up responses, suggestions and kind words!

[Anonymous]

+1 on instacart from Costco - it’s almost comical how big the deliveries are!

Maybe you could make it a monthly family activity, to fill up the Costco order online?

Also, maybe it is worth thinking ahead to new family traditions (or the right way to keep old ones alive) ahead of this holiday season. Brainstorm with the kids what everyone’s favorite traditions were and figure out how you can do them together this year. Totally OK to change some traditions to “and this we pick up from Wegmans / restaurant / etc”, ditch some entirely, and some become group projects.

[Anonymous]

Ps - you got this Dad! (Pp)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is the right forum, so apologies in advance.

My wife passed away very recently and unexpectedly this year, and it’s me (husband) and two kids now - one in middle and one in high school.

I was looking to see if folks had advice on dealing with grief, dealing with the logistics of being a single parent, the emotional ups and downs, balancing work when it feels minuscule in the grand scheme of things but necessary, and filling in as a mom to the kids.

I am planning on getting all of us in therapy, but any advice in general as a grieving spouse and esp. on filling in for my kids mom would be appreciated. My wife used to active here and trusted dcumd a lot. Apologies if it’s little too broad of a question.

Thanks in advance!

Most churches and many hospitals have free grief counseling. I wish you peace and comfort

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. PPs have made some great suggestions. You might also consider subscriptions to Hello Fresh or something similar for meals 2-3x a week. It eliminates the mental drain of meal planning for some of your meals and the food is delivered to you. Recipes are easy to follow and your kids are old enough they can probably help make them. Just a thought to ease your burden slightly, especially as the school year is beginning.

My mom passed away after a long illness when I was young. I have three siblings and we were all in elementary school. Our community was a great support and my dad was terrific. A few things my dad did that I think are important.

-let your kids see you grieve. They need to see that you have good days and bad days. It’s ok to cry or be angry or frustrated in front of them. It’s ok to have a day where you just miss her and everything feels hard and you can tell them that. It gives them permission to cry in front of you. They might otherwise want to be strong for you and hide how they are feeling.

-talk about their mom. Talk about things she loved and memories of her with them when they were little. Things they remember and things they might not remember. My mom has been gone over 30 years and we still talk about her often. My kids know a lot about her.

-celebrate or at least acknowledge milestones. Celebrate her birthday, celebrate your anniversary (the day your family started), acknowledge the day she died. Tell stories, do something she loved, eat birthday cake, have a special meal, whatever feels right to you.

Wishing you peace along this journey.